I'm So GLAD, I Went to SOUTHERN U!

I'm so excited to back on my Blog Grind again….I've missed the therapeutic feeling of writing whatever comes to my head…or just reflecting on a lesson learned. Writing needs to be a priority of mine in 2011…I need to make sure that I'm always connected to a source of Peace!

On Christmas Day, I was blessed to spend time with some of my extended family. I could not have asked for a better day! One of my "babies" was talking to me about college and said that her Dad said she couldn't go to an HBCU…well right away, that struck a nerve with me. I'm a PROUD graduate of THE Southern University and A&M College! There is NOTHING that anyone can tell me about my school, or any other HBCU that won't set fire to my soul. But I'm trying to be better, so before I reacted, I had to take time to think about what she was saying, and what her Dad was trying to convey. Of course he wants the absolute best for his child, and rightful so, but does that mean that the "best" is NOT an HBCU? Most of my friends graduated from HBCU's and they are extremely successful. I might also add, that MOST of them have at LEAST 2 DEGREES. Yes, that's right, 2…as in more than one. So again, I'm thinking, "What makes an HBCU NOT the best?"

When I was applying to college, I applied to 2 HBCU's and 2 traditional state schools. I was accepted to all, and given scholarship money to all, but Southern University courted me…they took me by the hand, and welcomed me into a family of scholars and professors. I was given an extension of my family…..with the rules and all! I lived in the Honor's dorm, complete with a Dorm Mother (Ms. Owida Martin) and a staff of RA's. Yes, we had a dorm mother, and hunny, Owida DID NOT PLAY. She knew each of us by first and last name, who our "people" were, and our class schedules. LOL. Nothing got passed Ms. Martin….she let us know that we could be "fast" if we want too, but there would be consequences! LOL. Now, most traditional schools don't experience the pleasure of a Dorm Mother, but having Ms Martin around helped us when we were feeling homesick, or just to be a listening ear. It was comforting to have a familiar face at the front desk every time we walked into to the dorm. Let us not forget the RA's that helped us out of trouble! LOL. Shoutout to Rita Perrilloux-Bell….one of the best damn RA's ever!!!

But it wasn't just the at home atmosphere that made me fall in love with Southern, but it was all my academic experiences as well. My very 1st class as a college student was Chemistry 132 with Dr. Moore. Doc was a very gentle spirit, with a very calm voice, but his journey was extremely powerful. Dr. Moore was the 1st African-American to graduate from Princeton with a PhD in Chemistry. So every M, W, F, I got a chemistry lesson from someone that made HISTORY in his field. Dr. Moore could have taken his degrees to any traditional school in the country, but instead, he chose to grant Southern with his expertise. Now if he could make history, and then teach at an HBCU, who am I to be ashamed of making the decision to attend an HBCU?

Of course I'm partial to Southern, because it is where I matriculated, but there is a cluster of HBCUs that offer the same experiences to their students. They teach their students in the field of their choice, and then they prepare them for the reality of life. I don't find it strange or ironic that most of the people that I associate with have graduated from HBCU's….it's a common bond….a love that we have for the experiences we've shared. We know the love of bonding over that Engineering Exam, and the pains of waiting in the Financial Aid line….but even in the trying times, character is built. Had I not experienced what I did at Southern (good and bad), I wouldn't be half the woman that I am now…I wouldn't be driven to continue my education, and continue my quest for knowledge. So 10 years and 2. 5 degrees after I first arrived at SU, I will forever be in debt for the lessons that I've learned. So to me, and for me, there was no other nor better decision I could have made…..and I'll go 13 rounds with anyone that tries to tell me that I'm somehow "less than" because I didn't attend a "traditional" institution. To each his/her own…and I'll let you have that…make the decision for what's best for YOU. But don't EVER tell me that my decision wasn't good enough. Don't EVER let me hear you say that you "forbid" your child from going to ANY school because of some preconceived notion or stereotype you have….don't pass that ignorance on to your children…allow them to explore their options and select what will be right for them. HBCU's are NOT for every college-bound student….but that does not mean they are wrong either…..You will never hear me degrade any institution of higher learning (outside of Grambling State University….LOL), and how much better the world would be if everyone took that same stance!

Revelations

AND so here it is….the final days of 2010. As I look back over the last year, never in a million years could I have predicted how 2010 would end…..but I can't say that I would change anything. My character is being enriched, my skin is being tightened, and most importantly, God is at the forefront of my life. But as I look over the last few years, I realize that I've been holding myself back. I've gotten far too comfortable with my current surroundings…..I should have left Podunk-ville, USA about 2 years ago. But I didn't…out of fear…fear of the unknown…fear of starting over, and just plain fear of being alone. So instead, I stayed…I made the best of things, and then watched several trials and tribulations come my way…I thought it was a test by God, but now I see clearly that it was my "Get the HELL out of here" wake up call! I never, EVER wanted to come here….when I got my job offer, I actually cried because my heart longed for New York, NY or Atlanta, GA. Those were the places that I felt "fit" me….that's where I wanted to be…not in Podunk-ville. But who would have guessed that I would have found a family here, a church that I love dearly, and peace of mind…even through the worst experiences of my life….I had a home here.

But now, I see things for what they are. I've out-grown this pond, and it's time for me to move on…it's time for me to step out once again, and see what ELSE God has in store for me. As much as it will hurt to leave what I am comfortable with, I have to seek what I am longing for. So that is my goal…..to spend this final year in Podunkville, and then off to Atlanta, GA. I know a lot of folks might say, "why wait a whole year?". Well, I'm actually ready NOW, LOL, but I want to make sure I do this with God's direction and blessings, so that it may be a blessing to me, versus a struggle. I want to make sure that every loose end is forever tied up, that every lesson that I must learn here is learned and never repeated! I want to drive (or fly for those that know how much i HATE road trips…LOL) into ATL, with a calm mind….with absolutely NO REGRETS or questions about if this is the right move for me.

I also realize that I have 3 people that I am responsible for. My Grands and my Nanny. Since my mother passed, it's been hard for me to know that I'm so far from them….if something should ever happen, I want to know that I'm within an hour's flight of getting to their side….I want to be close enough to make surprise trips to take my Paw Paw to a Saint's game, and to walk through the local Wally with my Maw Maw and Nanny. I guess this is all apart of growing and maturing. I want them to know that I'm there and available at a moment's notice.

I'm going to be entering the LAST year of my 20s very soon…..I want it to be EPIC….I want it to be the best year to date….Wish me luck!

ATL BOUND SHAWTY!

Warning Labels

It’s been a long time (again), since I’ve been able to blog. I’ve had A LOT going on, as usual, and I haven’t had the time to tickle the keys, and get the literary juices flowing. I have been able to read some really good books, but will get into that at another time. But for now, I want to dig into this thing I like to call “Warning Labels”. One of my besties and I (shout out to Genese who is making that move to Orlando! Love you, ma), were on the phone, and we were discussing how we’ve dated some really great guys……ON PAPER, and then when we dug a little deeper, it was A HOT A** MESS! How can one be so well put together, and not have a thing together all at the same time? The only thing that I could come up with is that these people (I won’t just say MEN because my male readers would go IN on me….like Lamarr…LOL) need Warning Labels! They need a sign on their backs that say something like “Warning, I have all the things you want in man/woman, BUT, I have commitment issues!”, or “Warning, I cook, clean, take care of home, AND I’m successful, BUT, I have MAJOR BAGGAGE”.

Now don’t get me wrong, we all got SOMETHING that we aren’t too proud of…something that we are praying about, working through, being convicted on. But I’d like to think that some of us are man/woman enough to admit that…..”Hi, My name is Theryl, and I’m not great at saving money…Hi Theryl”. But at the same time, I’m not going around trying to pretend like I have this money saving thang on lock. I struggle in that area, and I would give MAD respect to anyone, male or female, who admits their own struggles. But what I can’t rock with, is someone portaying themselves as someone they are not. If you aren’t the one-woman type of man, TELL ME THAT….and then let me make my own decisions. Don’t let me like you, date you, bring you around the family and ‘nem, AND THEN, the other chick calls me asking me if I’m dealing with HER man??? Or, don’t introduce yourself as the good wholesome woman, who is about her business, trying to get her steps in order, ready for that big walk down the aisle, when really, you still SMASHING THE HOMIES behind my back…..No bueno!

I’ve said it before, and I truly mean, that I have A LOT of respect for the men and women who are very honest about themselves. I’ve met men who have said “Theryl, I like you, I think we would be great together, but I’ve never been faithful to any of my girlfriends”….now after I ran in the opposite direction (LOL), I had to tell him how much respect he gained from me. Now we will never be together, but the fact that I didn’t have to read his “Warning Label” was very IMPRESSIVE. This made me think about why some people choose to stay with folks that aren’t doing right (whatever your right is)? Why do they stay with all the drama? My theoretical answer is that they are staying with the dirt they know, versus going after some new, UNKNOWN dirt. At least their “dirt” was honest, and said “yo, I’m grimey, I’m dirty”….they didn’t have to deal with “I’m clean boo, I got you”…and then WHAM, the baby mama calls that you didn’t know about.

For a split second (ok, more like a minute), I thought about dating guys that were less than stellar. Because after all, whatever they were coming to the table with, they would be HONEST about that, and it would be MY CHOICE to stay or to leave…..the honesty is very attractive. It doesn’t always make up for the offense, but it’s that honesty that will lead to a mountain of respect. I decided against the “less than stellar” theory because I don’t want to EVER settle for less than JC (my homeboy for LIFE) has for me…..but I do think we need to make “Warning Labels” a MOVEMENT……beware ya’ll….they are out there….

I'm Scared of Lonely

First, let me apologize for not blogging in such a LONG TIME. My faithful readers (the few that I have), actually missed me, and have said I need to get back on it. (Shout out to Lamarr for the “encouragement”…LOL) So here I am…back on it. LOL. I’ve been so busy, that I really haven’t had time to feel/see/observe too much, but what I have been able to take in, I will share with you all in my next 3 blogs. I hope you enjoy the journey….and if not, at least take what you did enjoy with you!

There’s a lot to be said about having a lot of things on your plate. Something is always going on, something is always due, and someone always needs you. But one thing is for sure, you can have all of those things, and still be lonely. I’ve been introduced to lonely for quiet some time now, and I am NOT pleased to make his acquaintance. (For whatever reason, my lonely is a he….maybe I’ll blog about that later.) Lonely came into my life about 6 mos ago, and try as I did, I could not get rid of him. And he shows up at the most unexpected times…..when I have 17 million things to do, my mind is lonely for companionship. When I have a weekend full of “fun stuff”, I’d rather be at home, “hair tied, chillin wit no make up on”, with my boo, and him telling me “You’re the best”. But that’s just the problem….there is no boo….like I said, not to thrilled about Lonely.

I’m scared of lonely. Yes, I’m using Beyonce’s lyric’s! The statement is so powerful, and so fitting. I’m scared of my current existence, mainly because there is no end in sight. I can’t figure out if this is the way it will always be, or if this is temporary. My faith teaches me that God will grant me the desires of my heart, as long as they align with His will. My question is, how do I know that God’s will for me is to NOT be single?”. And furthermore, am I ok with that? N-O! But the reality is, it’s very possible. The plan for me could begin and end with me…..and that scares me. I want a husband (God-sent, God fearing…etc….), children….I want all of those things. Those are the desires of my heart. But is that apart of the plan??? I keep telling myself that God’s will is what I want for my life, but that’s not exactly true, and it’s not false either. I want what God wants for me, to be what I want for me….if that makes any sense. But what I do know, is that it doesn’t always work out that way. What if God says that I’m better off serving him as a single woman, than married? What happens to my desires for marriage and children? And what if I opt to do something about it……? Is it ok for me to have a back-up plan? If I can’t get the husband, can I at least get the children?? Is that selfish of me to want to bring a child/children into the world where there is only one permanent parent in the home? I was raised by a single parent (most of my life), and she did a helluva job!

So yeah, I’ve been getting to know lonely for a while now. And he doesn’t show up until Friday night, about 8pm, when all the homies have something else to do (and since most of my friends are married, they are doing married ppl stuff). Sometimes, I can give lonely a good fight, and still have some peace about the situation, and then other times, I succumb….to the fear, the anxiety, the worry of it all……I’m scared of lonely ya’ll….

Why Do Women Like Dboys?

This post comes from a friend of mine...written by her. I hope you enjoy.....

While talking to a friend, we were trying to figure out why Dboys are so appealing to corporate women that got it together and have A LOT to lose. The memory of what you saw when you were that freshman in high school trying to do the right thing. I was a freshman back in the late 90’s when all the Dboys had a Lexus or a Jag. We all dreamed about being that thick, big-bootied senior that was able to land one and ride on the passenger side. Or, even sometimes get the keys and pick up your girls and “circle the block”. Not realizing that that was NOT what’s up! Is it because women feel secure around them? I.e. without them or any man for that matter, they feel insecure. Or, is it simply a lack of self esteem?

Dboys lend a sense of security because they got all the “protection” in the world. But we fail to realize that it’s actually the opposite. They actually lend all the DANGER in the world. We don’t pay attention to the examples that we have in front of us. All the situations where the female that has nothing to do with the transaction, ends up in the trunk of the car, are not enough to wake us up. I guess like DMX, “Why Do Good Girls like Bad Guys?”

Maybe Dboys are simply exciting? They have more fun than the typical straight-laced guy who actually has a W-2 with some benefits to top it off. Everything is carefree with no worries. The only worry is where the next stray bullet will come from or, whether the police are staked out outside the house. But that is all the thrill, right? It’s a lot more to it than what we see on the surface. This is when good old fashion self – esteem comes into the picture.

You have to know your worth. And that night, week, month, etc. of fun could actually be a detriment. Not only a detriment to your life, but your reputation and career. Which, if I must say so myself, are all very important. So why take the chance? Talk about Russian roulette.

We Can't Be Friends

I got my “blog jones” back, so the thoughts are firing off all over the place. As you will to come know, most of my blog topics come from discussions with friends. I bet if we really put our minds to it, we could save the world. We have some of the most intellectual conversations! It’s amazing what you can learn from a simple exchange of words. During a recent exchange, a male friend was telling me that he was working on being friends with his ex. I asked him if he really thought it was possible, and he proceeded to say he didn’t really know, but he wanted to try. Hmm….try to be friends with an ex? Maybe…..NOT. So here are my top 5 reasons I can’t be friends with an ex:

1. I Don’t Downgrade…….
Yep, I don’t give up the position I formerly held, for something LESS. Now, you might say that the friendship is more important or more worthy than the man-woman relationship we had, but let’s face it…we don’t really believe that. We like that title…at least I do…we like the commitment that comes along with “this is my girlfriend/boyfriend”. So when you say “oh, this is just my friend”, that’s like saying, this is “what’s her name, she’s not important to me AT ALL”. I just can’t handle that. I don’t want to go from going to the family outings, and talking on the phone to your Mama, to being “oh-what’s-her-name FRIEND”. If I’m going to get my pink slip, let’s just part ways and let it be. Don’t offer me the consolation prize of being your friend……nah, I’m not with that.
2. You Know Too MuchSo now that I’ve been your girlfriend/wife, I’ve become vulnerable to you. I’ve opened my spirit to yours, and let you in on things that I only speak to God about. You know all my likes, dislikes, needs, wants, and desires…and frankly, I don’t always let my friends in on all of that. Even my BESTIES don’t get ALL OF THAT about EVERYTHING. But when you are my man, it’s a different story…I’m supposed to share those secrets with you. But if we don’t make it, and we must part ways, I forever know that you KNOW ME. That means you can predict my next move without me even mentioning what it will be. I’m not comfortable in that zone. And now you want to be my friend? So you can use what you know about me to your advantage….nope, not happening….. (Ok, I know I’m a lil paranoid, but don’t judge me!)
3. Blurred VisionEvery relationship has boundaries, no matter what kind of relationship it is, there are rules in place to keep everyone in the happy zone. Now, if I’m trying to transition from being your girlfriend/wife, to your friend, there is a new set of boundaries to live by. I no longer have the right to ask “babe, who was that calling”, or “where were you this afternoon, we missed each other”…NOT ALLOWED. That is by far, breaking the “friends only” boundaries. At some point, we will forget about those boundaries, and end up arguing about something we argued about as a couple, and forgetting that none of that matters anymore. But we don’t know that because are attempting to be “friends” when really, we are WAY past that stage
4. I’m Not Over it YETEven though I might tell you “I’m over it…I’m good”, there is a really good chance I’m doing this to save face at the very moment. Trying my very best not to let you see me sweat…after all, we broke up, so I want to protect my vulnerability. And while it’s not the most honest thing in the world, I’m not going to let you think you got me like that (even if you still do. LOL). So while I’m still trying to cope with our breakup, and still playing every sad song I have on my iPod that expresses how I feel, I don’t want to be your damn friend! I don’t want to have to look at you and be like, that’s him…MY FRIEND. So unless and until I’m really, truly, over it, and I’ve moved on……I don’t want to be your friend…
5. I Don’t Do DramaI like to live my life as drama-free as possible. While I haven’t had the worst time in life, I’ve been dealt some really hard blows….I’ve vowed to live by simplicity at ALL COSTS. So having to sit down with an ex, and reconfigure our “new relationship” so that we can be “friends” seems like a waste of time and energy to me. And without a doubt, this will cause DRAMA. At some point, one party is going to say “see, this is why we broke up in the first place”, and you are back to #3…blurred vision. I’d much rather spend that time trying to see if we can make this work then trying to transform the relationship to the “friend zone”. I don’t want that uncomfortable public appearance drama……I don’t want any drama at all, so yeah, I’d rather let go all together, than to hold on to the drama….

Knowing Your Limits

Recently, I was having a discussion with a friend of mine, and I mentioned that I didn’t have any desire to date a professional athlete. I’d just watched “NBA Wives” on E! and there were far MORE UNHAPPY endings than happy endings. I’m good…I’ll pass. She went on to tell me that some of her friends were dating/marrying athletes, and they weren’t all bad. She has also dated an athlete (both in college, and after he went pro), and things did not go so well. Yet, still she said he was a good guy, but they weren’t right for each other. I immediately pointed out to her all the things that tipped the scale for her ex from “good guy” to “not-so-good guy”, and she told me my standards were TOO HIGH, and at some point, I’d have to put up with SOMETHING. She followed that up with “you will be single forever”.

Initially, I was like, yeah, ok, whatever, but then, I really thought about it. She was right…I would have to put up with something, but shouldn’t I get to pick what that something is? Isn’t it my right to say “No, this is unacceptable, I will not tolerate….”? Now I come from a family of women who are completely NO NONSENSE. When it comes to foolishness, we have very short attention spans, and even worse, if drama ensues, you will most likely get cussed out AND cut off. I can recall my Nanny having a boyfriend that I really liked. He was nice to me, very polite and respectful to my family, just an overall good guy…..and then he cheated and got caught. He was not invited to family gatherings, he did not come over anymore…he was done…Nanny put her foot down, and down it stayed. So when you see that type of behavior growing up, that is what you know. It is what you come to believe as truth. So no, cheating is not something that I think I can tolerate. I say “think” because I’ve never known an instance where I’ve been cheated on. I’ve really only had one serious relationship, so my numbers aren’t that high to begin with. But even if they were, I don’t think I could tolerate that.

I think what really got my attention is how many women I see settling for less than what they require, just to say “he’s mine….I have a man”. Ok, then what? Sure it’s nice to have someone on your arm, and it’s great to have “date night”, but if he’s not what you really want/need, then it’s all smoke and mirrors…an illusion. As women, I believe we need to stop settling, and start evaluating. I’m not saying you need to have a “mythical checklist” (shout out to Jozen for his blog on this topic…www.untiligetmarried.com) of what he should have, but you need to know what you will/will not tolerate. I observe my friends’ relationships, and I see the interaction between the couples…for the most part, I aspire to have relationships like they have…but even with them, I see things that I don’t think I can handle…and I put those things in my memory. And I’m not getting ready so I can turn someone down…I’m preparing myself to be able to pick out the “right one”. See, I already know what “wrong” looks like…LOL…I’ve gotten some experience in that department, so my theory is that “right” will stick out like a sore thumb. But even in seeing “right”, I believe that I owe it to myself to know my limits.

So for now, I’m still single….and that’s ok….I’m exploring my limits.

Surprise Attack

They say that when it rains it pours…..well I feel like the last 24 hours of my life has been a monsoon! I’ve always been a sensitive person, so I’m not surprised that I’m easily swayed by someone else’s emotions (I’m the person that will cry with you, just at the sight of you crying…LOL). But I thought I was a big girl….that I could pretty much handle whatever came my way! After the death of my mother, I realized that there was no greater pain that I would ever feel, and if I could survive that, then everybody else could bring their best shot…and I’d be the last woman standing. But in feeling confident that no one could really ever hurt me again, I let my guard down. And BAM! I got a surprise attack…not from the Enemy, but from someone very, very real, someone that I’ve loved my whole life. Why is it that the people that are closest to you, can hurt you so badly?

I don’t understand people. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t get how people operate. I don’t know how the mind can convince you of something that doesn’t really exist. But what I really don’t understand is how grief operates. I’ve written before about the different stages of grief, and how they affected ME. But what I don’t get his how grief affects other people. So hats off to the counselors and doctors that guide people through grief, because that’s a big bad ugly wolf to slay. I know in my own grief, I felt a lot of internal hurt, and I was angry at God, but I didn’t push that on to other people. So now that I see someone’s grief causing them to be angry at other people, I’m baffled. Maybe it’s not for me to understand, and that’s ok.

But what I won’t be is your victim. I experience the same grief that you experience, so we can grieve together. But again, I’m not going sit by, and let you lash out at me because you don’t know what else to do. I did nothing to you, but love you. I’ve tried to love you despite it all. So now, I have to put a lot of space between us. For my own sanity, I have part ways. I pray that one day, things will be different. Until then, I hope you find peace.

It Could All Be So Simple....

I remember when things were simple. Life was all about what I would wear to school, which sneakers would match what outfit, and if my parents were going to buy me that cross-colors outfit. (Hey, stop laughing….I’m an 80s baby who grew up in the 90s! LOL). Back then, if a boy liked you, you could tell because they either tormented you at recess (pulling your hair, pushing you down, etc), or they flat out said it. I remember the first time I got my first “Do you like me?” note…..I was SO EXCITED. Now, it didn’t matter that I was only in the 2nd grade, and the note was from a boy who had been held back a lot…all that mattered was that somebody liked me! Of course, I circled the “YES” option, and sent the note back. Of course, because we were so young (at least I was), we really didn’t know what else to do besides smile at each other in class, and sit next to each other at lunch time. Things were so simple then. The complexity was non-existent. There was no “drama”….it was just simple expressions of “like”.

Fast forward to 6th grade…middle school! I’m so excited because I’m at the “big kid’s school”, I have on the fresh jeans and t-shirt, and the fresh shoes! Even better, is that the selection of boys at John Quincy Adams Middle School is quite impressive! It wasn’t long before I got my first “Do you like me?” note. But this time, it meant so much more….because there was an In-School Dance coming up! I could not believe that of all people, Whitney (yes, his name was Whitney, and YES, he was super cute!) wanted me to go to the dance with him. Now this was easy to pull off…the dance was in-school, so I didn’t have to worry about the parental units! (I wasn’t allowed to talk to boys on the phone yet, but of course, I got around that!). Whitney and I were a couple…a real live couple. He bought my ticket to the dance, and he bought my soda. I don’t remember if we actually danced or not, but I was in HEAVEN! Our relationship didn’t last much longer than that dance, because of course, it was 6th grade. But looking back on it now, I really want to find Whitney! LOL. He was such a gentlemen, and very concerned with my well-being. At this point in my life, I don’t get that treatment very often. I’m the person most concerned about my well-being. So needless to say, the search for Whitney is ON. Maybe we can re-kindle our 6th Grade romance and live happily ever after….if anybody knows Whitney, and he’s SINGLE, tell him to holla at me! :)

I guess the real point is that I miss simplicity. I miss the days when it was “ok” for a boy to tell you he liked you, and it was “ok” for you to say “I like you too”. As an adult, I see how much we complicate the process. We have all the steps….and not to actually dating the person; these steps are just to COMMUNICATE with them. Who should call who first, and who should ask who out first, and should I call him right back, or will that look desperate, and should I call her the night she gives me the number, or should I wait so I don’t seem THIRSTY? I’m worn out just typing all that! Can we please just go back to those days when it was as simple as passing a note? When writing each other letters in class about your night (because you couldn’t talk to them on the phone) was the highlight of your day. When adding his name to your name on your notebook let the whole SCHOOL know that ya’ll were a couple. I miss that! I want that back! I don’t want to wonder if he’s going to call, or wonder if I should call him. I just want us to act on how we feel. Far too many times, we get caught up in what society thinks we should do, and we forget about how we feel, and what we WANT to do. If you want to call me and say “I just wanted to hear your voice”, that should be OK. We allow our pride to intercede our good judgment. No one wants to be vulnerable, or get “played”. But such is life. Everybody plays the fool; there is no exception to the rule! So my new philosophy on it all is to go for it….we only life once, and life is TOO SHORT to be caught up in the details.

Lauryn Hill penned a masterpiece when she said “It could all be so simple/but you’d rather make it hard”……….well Lauryn, I’m making it simple!

My Thoughts on Teenage Pregnancy

So, this blogging thing is really working! I’m back to one of my first loves (writing), and folks are actually reading it! Not only that, people are actually requesting it!!!! (Shout out to Kelly Red for REQUESTING this one…thanks KEL!) I didn’t actually start writing because I was looking for fans or followers, but because there were a lot of things I wanted to get off my chest…more like a release than anything. My latest “burning platform” is Teen Parents. I’ve become a fan of MTV’s “Teen Mom” and “16 & Pregnant”. Not because I’m so eager to see teenagers make poor decisions, but because of the way the network portrays the stories. Just like with any other “reality” show, I’m sure MTV could use a lot of the “things are GREAT since I had a baby at 16” footage, but instead, they show the baby crying while you are trying to study or sleep, not having a social life because that requires a babysitter, or something even more serious…not being able to get your GED because you dropped out of school….because you were pregnant. So first and foremost, hats off to MTV for really “keeping it real” with these stories.

What I really want to tell these teenagers is that YOU ARE WORTH THE WAIT. Now I know I might sound like an after school special, but hear me out: You are worthy, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Before you were yet formed in your mother’s womb, God KNEW YOU. No, I’m not about to start a sermon, but sometimes, it’s as simple as telling someone that they are worthy changes their life! If just one teenager reads this blog, and decides that they are worthy, and worth the wait, then my job is done. Far too often, we don’t give our kids the power to say “no”. We make it easy for them to fall victim/prey to deception. We don’t empower our children with enough love and support. While I have not done clinical studies to support my hypothesis, I’ve mentored enough young ladies to know that what they really need are boundaries, love, and support. They will thrive and bloom far better than expected when given the right tools. But yet, somehow, we are missing the mark. Our sons and daughters are searching for love and validation in the hearts of each other, and not only coming up empty-handed, but they are also bringing forth life, when they don’t even understand it! Imagine being hired for a job that you are severely under-qualified for…..now imagine having to do that job for the next 18-21 years. That’s the predicament our children are in when they become parents too soon.

By no means am I trying to imply that Teenage Pregnancy is the fault of the parent. In fact, I believe the complete opposite. While I do think that parents need to give their children the right tools for life, we are all born with free will. We have the opportunity everyday to make good or bad decisions. So, the “blame” (for lack of a better word) is on the people in the moment, deciding that they are ready to alter the rest of their lives. Now of course, they don’t think about it that way, which is why I wrote it that way. Every time a couple engages in sexual activity, they are attempting to pro-create. It’s that simple. I will re-state it: Every time a couple engages in sexual activity, they are attempting to pro-create. That is the biblical purpose for the act…to bring forth life. So if you engage in something that is MEANT to bring forth life, you are not allowed to be surprised at the ending that includes you, him, and a baby stroller! WAKE UP! You are not invincible! You are not outside, above, below, or around the RULES. Everything applies to YOU! Where do you think they get these statistics about teenage pregnancy? “Other people?”. NO! People who look like you, dress like you, talk like you, and sometimes, go to your school!

And as for the “happily ever after” that you THINK this baby will help you make? I can promise that the outcome you have planned is FAR different than what will actually happen. As my mother used to tell me “He will promise you the moon and the stars, and in the end, it will be the JUDGE that will give it to you!”. Now, you had to know my mother and her story to really appreciate that laugh break (I still LOL every time I say it), but she was RIGHT. People usually have the best intentions until LIFE HAPPENS….and it will. Life will take over, and the fantasy will be over, and the baby will be crying, and you will be out of money, but still needing diapers, and you and him are fighting but don’t know why……BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO YOUNG. You are NOT equipped (physically, mentally, spiritually, or emotionally) to raise a child, much less co-parent. I know ADULTS who can’t co-parent. There is a reason that it becomes SO HARD to deal with….you aren’t supposed to be dealing with these types of problems at 16…..you are not qualified.

So now what? That’s a good question….but only you have the answer. Just as I wrote my thoughts in this blog, you have the power to write your own story. You have the power of choice….deciding which path you will take. But please know, that whatever you do, and whatever you choose, you are WORTHY.

It's In The Music

As I watched the “Celebration of Gospel” on BET, and between shouting (this is when you are filled with the holy spirit, overcome with joy, and just have to let it OUT), and laughing, I realized something….music is such a driving force of our emotional well-being. Think about it: When we are happy or sad, glad, or blue, we are attracted to music that will help us express where we are at that moment. I find this to be particularly relevant in Gospel, R&B, Rap, and Country Western. Yes, I said Country Western! (Don’t judge me! LOL).

As a child, I laughed in church at the “mothers” that would get so full that they would have to shout (see explanation above). Again, don’t judge me, because I wasn’t the only one LAUGHING! LOL. What I couldn’t figure out is why they were so excited. I mean the choir was good, (enough entertainment to keep my 7 year old self occupied), but I had no idea what the Pastor was saying, so I didn’t know what the hype was about. And then, when someone would say “It’s like FIYAH (fire) shut up in my bones”, I’d be like “OMG, that lady is on fire, somebody HELP”. Yeah, I just didn’t get it then, but NOW. If a Donald Lawrence, Kirk Franklin, Fred Hammond, Mary Mary, Hezekiah Walker jam comes on the radio, I just can’t help myself…I have to move, I have to praise Him, I have to get involved! I guess it’s that’s FIYAH that is sending me over the edge. On the flip side, if I’m battling with God and I just don’t get what he’s trying to say, the music will soothe my soul, and help me get back on the right path. If nothing else, it helps me tell God what I want to say, but don’t have the words for. Of course I trust and believe that God knows our hearts, and can hear us even when we can’t speak, but there is nothing like being able to confess to God what is on your mind……talk about freeing yourself! See, I’m about to shout right now at the very thought of it.

And then you have those moments when you are feelin like you were the 5th cast member of “Waiting To Exhale”, and you need hear somebody ask you why it hurts so bad, or when you need to ask that rhetorical question of yourself. You know those moments, when you are speechless at what he did, or when you can’t believe she chose HIM over YOU. That’s when you go through your iPod, and find every song that says “Why did I let you get to me?”. When Beyonce’ released “Irreplaceable”, you couldn’t go 3 mins without hearing “To the left/to the left”….LOL. Not because every woman was goin through, but we found an anthem…one that spoke to our souls….we found comfort in the music. And I’m sure most men have had their “Cause I love you” moments (Lenny Williams)…..when they are so far deep in love, that Lenny is the only person that can speak to them, and help them get through…..it’s that music….it’s there to soothe you and keep you afloat. Personally, when I listen to music, I also listen to myself…how I feel when the song comes on….am I happy, crunk, sad, disgusted, MAD, or pleasantly surprised??? It was that same music that made you realize you had your first crush, or that you were really in “luh” (almost love, but not quite) with your boo. I’m talking about the days when your boo would dub (record) songs off the radio, carefully editing out the commercials, just to show you how he/she felt! Remember how that music made you feel when you pushed “eject” on your tape player (yes, TAPES, I’m an 80s baby, so we rocked TAPES HARD), and put in side A, and listened to the words that your boo was either too scared to too shy to tell you in person. I still have some of those “tapes”…made a few myself….even made some CDs a time or two.

But what’s even BETTER is when your music tells a story. No disrespect to my R&B, Neo-Soul, Rap, or Gospel (because I truly adore you all), but nothing can top a story told in Country & Western. It’s something about those guitar strings that will have my heart strings all in a knot. And even if it’s more upbeat, they still tell a story from beginning to end! My personal faves are Bonnie Rait, Kenny Chesney, Carrie Underwood, Clint Black….they all just speak to me. They tell me how glad they were to see her drive off, or how sad they were that she stayed….with the other dude, not them. They paint a picture, and for someone who is as imaginative as I am, it just feeds me.

But no matter the genre, it’s the music that speaks to me. Sometimes it can help me figure out what’s wrong, because sometimes, I don’t know. It will lead me in the path in which I should go, or even tell me it’s ok to be imperfect for this moment in time. It makes me remember that no, he should not be in my heart because he doesn’t deserve it….and I listen! But it’s that music…..the music that will have you floating on cloud 9 somewhere, for hours on end…..it’s that music that I love so much!

Dedicated to the music lovers everywhere.

1-9-1-3

97 years ago, 22 bold, courageous, trend-setting women set out to make their mark on their immediate community, and the WORLD. Almost immediately, these women sprang into action by marching for Women’s Suffrage. From that moment on, the women of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc., have set out to make a difference…to touch the lives of their communities and to leave legacies for future Delta Women to uphold. We have educated ourselves, our families, and others, all while devoting our lifetimes to an organization built on Christian principles.

So today, as we celebrate, reflect, and maintain our illustrious organization, let us not forget that the journey, by far, has not ended. Instead, it has only just begun! There are more to educate, more to uplift, more to carry, and more to mend. We are needed, my fellow sisters, more than we’ve ever been needed before! Our communities need us…..to fill in where others are missing, and to push forward those that don’t recognize their own potential. So yes, my dear sorors, there is still work to be done!

And just maybe, you need to reconnect with your sisters. Maybe the years have passed, and life has changed, and time is more precious than ever….but there is a void….something is missing….that sisterly bond that you formed so many years ago is not present anymore. I encourage you to seek our your sisters, near and far, if only to say “Soror, how I’ve missed you”. I challenge you to find your soror “niche” and become active in a chapter near you…..because again my sisters, our work has just begun….

As I write this, I am so inspired by the works of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc. (past, present, and future). I strived for a very long time to become apart of this organization, and on that most special day, when I was done with the ways of intention, and became a Delta, I shed tears of joy…..because I was joining something much bigger than myself. I was a Delta Woman! A woman of class, honor, distinction, and humility. The pride I carry with me daily for Delta is overwhelming….not because of superficial reasons, but because I see the work in action. I see the national initiatives being carried out in my own community…..I see the pieces of the puzzle interlocking to tell our great story.

So, my dear sorors, let us take this day, and further commit ourselves to the name of Delta, and move forward with even greater passion and zeal. Let us keep the spirits of the 22 with us always, and let them guide us forevermore.

Happy Founder’s Day to my beloved Sorors……EVERYWHERE.

Dedicated to memory and works of:

Osceola Macarthy Adams
Marguerite Young Alexander
Winona Cargile Alexander
Ethel Cuff Black
Zephyr Chisom Carter
Bertha Pitts Campbell
Edna Brown Coleman
Jessie McGuire Dent
Fredrica Chase Dodd
Myra Davis Hemmings
Olive Jones
Jimmie Bugg Middleton
Pauline Oberdorfer Minor
Vashti Turley Murphy
Naomi Sewell Richardson
Mamie Reddy Rose
Eliza P. Shippen
Florence Letcher Toms
Ethel Carr Watson
Wertie Blackwell Weaver
Madree Penn White
Edith Mott Young

Consciously Selfish

So, it’s a new year, and like many people, I pondered on whether or not I’d make resolutions, or if I would just opt for “being better”. Initially, I said, “being better”, but as I began to think about my year (especially the last 3 months), I decided that I needed to resolve not only to be better, but to do things differently. There were a lot of unhappy days for me in those last 3 months, and I vowed to never, ever, ever, be in that position again. I had my joy and peace back, God guiding my foot steps, so I was empowered to end the cycle.

The first thing I had to do was analyze everything that I was doing. Church, Sorority, Professional Societies, Socializing, etc…..but in everything that I was doing (outside of church) had very little to do with the upliftment of ME. So yes, I had a list of “to-do” items, but taking care of me was not on the list. I took care of everything and everyone very passionately, but I left myself out in the cold. So it shouldn’t have been a surprise that I ended up with a lot of sleepless nights….more tears than I could wipe away, and a feeling of emptiness. I was pouring out blessings and showering love on everything and everyone I loved, but NOT ME. How could I forget about me? After all, I’m the only me I have…..

I am, by omission, and extremely giving and caring person….to a fault. If there is a need, I want to meet the need, if there is an issue, I want to be the problem solver. That is how I was raised….you help those that can’t (or won’t) help themselves. You go out of your way to bless someone (even at your own expense), and God will bless you. But in all of that, no one ever told me to make sure I take care of myself. No one said “Theryl, I love you, but you must love you MORE than I do”. So I let myself fall…..if it came down to me taking some “me time” or giving that time to someone or something else that was more “deserving”, I always lost. The only time that I would take a break is if I had been stressed to the point of an anxiety attack….yes, it got that bad….I wouldn’t even acknowledge everything I was doing until I was in full attack, asking how I got to that place.

So after years and years of living this way, I’m fed up! I want to be a better person….I want to develop myself into the vessel that God wants me to be. I struggle with this decision, because, again, I am who I am. I can’t NOT be giving, caring, and selfless…but I can be MORE concerned about my own welfare. I can say “no” even when I really want to say “YES”. Most of my unhappiness about me (body image, career, goals, etc) was because I wasn’t spending enough time working on those very things. If I really wanted to have a better body image, I had to MAKE time for that….if I wanted to enhance my career, I had to MAKE time, to do things that would aid in that effort.

In 2010, my mantra will be “Consciously Selfish”. Now that may come of as harsh, or even self-serving, but at this point, I have to be #2 on my list (under God). There is no one else that will put me in that position in their lives, therefore, I must! I pray that when I am tempted to put myself aside, I read this blog…….