It’s been SO LONG since I updated my blog. I’m ashamed of myself…and I apologize to those that read and support it. Well, I’M BACK! I hope ya’ll had a great Christmas!!! Mine was….exactly what I thought it would be and none of what I expected. Another blog, another time!
Anywhoo, my 30th birthday is FASTLY APPROACHING, and I am BEYOND excited…let’s just say, I’m ECSTATIC about entering a new decade. Although I’m grateful for my life, my 20’s were such a treacherous and tormented time in my life. Too many life lessons, reality checks, disappointment….and that was just 26! LOL. My 30s have GOT to be better…I’m not settling for anything else! I’ve been preparing for my birthday for a while now, because I want my mentality to be different. Each year, since I can remember, I’ve focused on 2 things around my birthday: Getting a man, and losing weight….that’s it. For shame and how dreadful! Not that these aren’t good things to focus on, I realized that I lost ME. I wasn’t focusing on how I can make Theryl the very best she can be, I was focusing on making me better for someone to choose me. Again, For shame!!! Where was I in this equation? So if I finally did get “chose” and lost weight, then what? Was that all that I had to offer? And who wants a partner that doesn’t have anything else going on but body issues and man issues?? Yep, NOBODY!
But this upcoming year, The Year of the 30, is going to be totally different (Tamar Braxton Voice.) My focus is on God (putting him absolutely first, at all times, regardless of what I face), and being directed to a better me. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I want more! I want to be the person that I seek in a mate, and if I’m honest with myself, I’m not there yet. I want to enjoy being me, and enjoy building me. I don’t want to be wrapped up in “is this the one?”, and “is he thinking about me”…that’s them 20’s and we off that! LOL. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I don’t want to be married…oh no, I absolutely do. What I’m doing now is called preparation. I’m preparing myself to be whole, complete, and ready for that blessing. I respect the sanctity of marriage far too much to disrespect it by asking for what I’m not prepared to give.
So how am I preparing? I’m dating myself….I’m focusing all my energy on me, and peeling back all my layers, getting rid of all the junk, and putting more good stuff in. I’m finally getting rid of this unwanted weight. I’m letting go all of the things that weigh me down, including me! As I’ve said in previous blog entries, I’ve fought this physical me fight for a LONG TIME. I’m sick and damn tired of it! I need to free up this mental space to focus on something else. I’ve removed all of the excuses, the low self-esteem, the laziness, and I’m just DOING IT. And I’m not waiting on the year to turn, or an hour to come before I start…I’m doing it NOW. Stay tuned….
Monday, December 26, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
It Is Well
It’s been a while since I’ve had the chance to post a blog. I’ve written some, just didn’t feel the need to post them…writing is my release, so sometimes, I just need to let it out, and then I feel better. LOL. Other times, I feel like what I’m going through will help someone, so I post it. Well I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend! Let me first say THANK YOU JESUS, FOR THE REST! I definitely needed some time just to rest my mind and body, so that I can be healthy. Believe it or not, sleep is a key aspect to being or becoming healthy, and I’m not very good about making sure I get enough rest. I’m a night owl, so it’s hard to go to bed early…we’ll see how this works out. Stay tuned.
Initially, when I knew that I was moving to Atlanta, I told myself it would be a year before I began to look for a new church home. Not because I’m against going to church, I just felt like my work/time with my existing church wasn’t over just because I moved away. I’m still very much connected, and intend to keep that relationship alive forever. My purpose for not searching for a church home was that I wanted to make sure my home was in order first. Most times, we forget that serving God doesn’t just happen within the church, but it happens (or should happen) everyday, all day. I wanted to make sure that when I made this transition, that I was doing everything God wanted me to do. Church family is HUGE for me. I’ve been blessed to have 2 in my lifetime, and I’m still very much so attached to them. This is one of the most important relationships you can have…who you fellowship with, and how you fellowship is extremely important to your walk with Christ. I don’t want to be a “church hopper” and just run from church to church. I want God to direct me to a place where he’s prepared them and me for what’s to come.
For the super holy, super church going folk, let’s get this out of the way. Yes, God encourages us to fellowship with each other, to spread the gospel, and to make fishers of men (going to church, ministering to people, etc), but if you read your bibles, you know that this does NOT always happen within the confines of a church. I can minister to a stranger that God leads me to, just as I can be ministered to by a Pastor of a church. I’m not making excuses about not attending church….I know what it does for me and what I gain from it. But what I am saying is that I’m not going to rush an important decision to make myself seem more “Christian” or to be able to say I’m in church every Sunday. Newsflash: Satan is in church every Sunday as well…does that mean he’s any closer to heaven? Just a little food for thought. The decision on where I will fellowship is not one I will make in haste, and I continue to pray for guidance on where I will be served and where I can serve.
My biggest challenge in my prayers is not allowing my trust issues to interfere with receiving the word of God. There are very FEW people that obtain my trust, especially when it comes to feeding me spiritually. Yes, I know it’s not the man, but the God that resides in the man, but as a man, you are wrapped in flesh, just as I, and face the same, if not MORE temptation. I see a lot of shepherds making poor decisions concerning their flock, and it’s scary. My previous and current Pastors have made it very hard for me to move forward, and I’m ok with that….LOL. I trust that they will make Godly decisions for themselves, their families, and their flock. I know that they are human, and will not always make the right choice, but I trust that they love God enough to always make things right with him. Now you might say that it was just a matter of me getting to know them that led me to feel this way, but it was not. My first Pastor knew me before I knew me…LOL, and my current pastor, there was just something in his spirit that allowed me to immediately see God working through him and on him. God led me to my church, and I haven’t had a single regret. Why would I not trust him to lead me to another church, IN HIS TIMING? I’ve learned that this walk doesn’t have copy-cat instructions…the same rules don’t always apply to everyone’s journey.
Initially, when I knew that I was moving to Atlanta, I told myself it would be a year before I began to look for a new church home. Not because I’m against going to church, I just felt like my work/time with my existing church wasn’t over just because I moved away. I’m still very much connected, and intend to keep that relationship alive forever. My purpose for not searching for a church home was that I wanted to make sure my home was in order first. Most times, we forget that serving God doesn’t just happen within the church, but it happens (or should happen) everyday, all day. I wanted to make sure that when I made this transition, that I was doing everything God wanted me to do. Church family is HUGE for me. I’ve been blessed to have 2 in my lifetime, and I’m still very much so attached to them. This is one of the most important relationships you can have…who you fellowship with, and how you fellowship is extremely important to your walk with Christ. I don’t want to be a “church hopper” and just run from church to church. I want God to direct me to a place where he’s prepared them and me for what’s to come.
For the super holy, super church going folk, let’s get this out of the way. Yes, God encourages us to fellowship with each other, to spread the gospel, and to make fishers of men (going to church, ministering to people, etc), but if you read your bibles, you know that this does NOT always happen within the confines of a church. I can minister to a stranger that God leads me to, just as I can be ministered to by a Pastor of a church. I’m not making excuses about not attending church….I know what it does for me and what I gain from it. But what I am saying is that I’m not going to rush an important decision to make myself seem more “Christian” or to be able to say I’m in church every Sunday. Newsflash: Satan is in church every Sunday as well…does that mean he’s any closer to heaven? Just a little food for thought. The decision on where I will fellowship is not one I will make in haste, and I continue to pray for guidance on where I will be served and where I can serve.
My biggest challenge in my prayers is not allowing my trust issues to interfere with receiving the word of God. There are very FEW people that obtain my trust, especially when it comes to feeding me spiritually. Yes, I know it’s not the man, but the God that resides in the man, but as a man, you are wrapped in flesh, just as I, and face the same, if not MORE temptation. I see a lot of shepherds making poor decisions concerning their flock, and it’s scary. My previous and current Pastors have made it very hard for me to move forward, and I’m ok with that….LOL. I trust that they will make Godly decisions for themselves, their families, and their flock. I know that they are human, and will not always make the right choice, but I trust that they love God enough to always make things right with him. Now you might say that it was just a matter of me getting to know them that led me to feel this way, but it was not. My first Pastor knew me before I knew me…LOL, and my current pastor, there was just something in his spirit that allowed me to immediately see God working through him and on him. God led me to my church, and I haven’t had a single regret. Why would I not trust him to lead me to another church, IN HIS TIMING? I’ve learned that this walk doesn’t have copy-cat instructions…the same rules don’t always apply to everyone’s journey.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
This Is The Song That Never Ends.... (NEW LIFE SERIES)
This Is The Song That Never Ends…
Hey yall! I’m back again…blogging feels so good! Life is good…I’m good…everything is just GOOD. There is always just this one thing that’s never quite so good with me. My size….for as long as I can remember, it’s been an issue with me. My very first memory of being different was in Kindergarten. I used to be the tallest kid in my class, so I always stuck out, but I was traditionally bigger than the rest of the girls. Even though I wasn’t teased, I always felt like I was different…like I just wished that I could be the girl that wasn’t noticed….in THAT way. Let me just say, I’ve NEVER been a skinny girl….NEVER…and if God says the same, I NEVER will be. It’s not something I’m concerned with, but I do want to be happy with what I see when I wake up in the morning. Now I also have to keep in mind that I am A WOMAN, so there is a GOOD chance that I will always find something wrong, but for the most part, I want to be content with what I see and how I feel. If I’m being honest, I’ve never been in that space. I’ve pretended to be ok with it, and I’ve forced confidence upon myself, but I don’t think I’ve ever really felt that…it’s a first that I’m looking forward to.
I’m not ashamed to say I’ve tried a little of everything to lose weight….and I do mean a little of everything. At one point, I spent most of my free time trying to figure out how to lose weight. If there was a new fad diet, I knew the ends and outs of it, and would beg my parents to get me whatever I needed. I may lose a few pounds, get bored, and then go back to my normal. Years and years of yo-yo dieting has taken a toll on my body. Because I would do things to manipulate my metabolism, (speeding it way up, and then stopping the diet), I now have Hypothyroidism. In lamens terms, my metabolism does not work on it’s own. With a normal person, they will intake food, and then their thyroid will work to help burn it off to prepare for the next meal. With me, I always feel full (if I’m not on my meds), and never have an actual appetite. I also tend to slowly gain weight, which is the complete OPPOSITE direction that I want to go in. So on top of everything else, now I have to battle a disease that keeps weight ON me? Seriously? Where is the “Punked” cameras???
I’m so sick and tired TO DEATH of this never-ending song. I want to hit the “Next” button, and MOVE ON. The one thing I’ve never done to feel and look better is to commit to a workout routine. Since my move, I’ve actually committed myself to working out and trying to eat in smaller portions. I started with Zumba, which I highly recommend, and now I’m in boot camp, which is hell on earth. Seriously. I don’t know who actually LIKES boot camp, but it is a means to an end for me. I absolutely HATE waking up at 5am and working OUT, but I need this…I need to finally do this….I need this to work so that I can get to the next song!!!!
So I’m putting my deepest insecurity out here in cyberspace, because I’m TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT IT…I feel like if I give it over to the net, then it’s forever gone, and I can move FORWARD. Dedicated to @Foxy_Roxy911 & @GiGi17 LES GEAUX!!!!
Hey yall! I’m back again…blogging feels so good! Life is good…I’m good…everything is just GOOD. There is always just this one thing that’s never quite so good with me. My size….for as long as I can remember, it’s been an issue with me. My very first memory of being different was in Kindergarten. I used to be the tallest kid in my class, so I always stuck out, but I was traditionally bigger than the rest of the girls. Even though I wasn’t teased, I always felt like I was different…like I just wished that I could be the girl that wasn’t noticed….in THAT way. Let me just say, I’ve NEVER been a skinny girl….NEVER…and if God says the same, I NEVER will be. It’s not something I’m concerned with, but I do want to be happy with what I see when I wake up in the morning. Now I also have to keep in mind that I am A WOMAN, so there is a GOOD chance that I will always find something wrong, but for the most part, I want to be content with what I see and how I feel. If I’m being honest, I’ve never been in that space. I’ve pretended to be ok with it, and I’ve forced confidence upon myself, but I don’t think I’ve ever really felt that…it’s a first that I’m looking forward to.
I’m not ashamed to say I’ve tried a little of everything to lose weight….and I do mean a little of everything. At one point, I spent most of my free time trying to figure out how to lose weight. If there was a new fad diet, I knew the ends and outs of it, and would beg my parents to get me whatever I needed. I may lose a few pounds, get bored, and then go back to my normal. Years and years of yo-yo dieting has taken a toll on my body. Because I would do things to manipulate my metabolism, (speeding it way up, and then stopping the diet), I now have Hypothyroidism. In lamens terms, my metabolism does not work on it’s own. With a normal person, they will intake food, and then their thyroid will work to help burn it off to prepare for the next meal. With me, I always feel full (if I’m not on my meds), and never have an actual appetite. I also tend to slowly gain weight, which is the complete OPPOSITE direction that I want to go in. So on top of everything else, now I have to battle a disease that keeps weight ON me? Seriously? Where is the “Punked” cameras???
I’m so sick and tired TO DEATH of this never-ending song. I want to hit the “Next” button, and MOVE ON. The one thing I’ve never done to feel and look better is to commit to a workout routine. Since my move, I’ve actually committed myself to working out and trying to eat in smaller portions. I started with Zumba, which I highly recommend, and now I’m in boot camp, which is hell on earth. Seriously. I don’t know who actually LIKES boot camp, but it is a means to an end for me. I absolutely HATE waking up at 5am and working OUT, but I need this…I need to finally do this….I need this to work so that I can get to the next song!!!!
So I’m putting my deepest insecurity out here in cyberspace, because I’m TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT IT…I feel like if I give it over to the net, then it’s forever gone, and I can move FORWARD. Dedicated to @Foxy_Roxy911 & @GiGi17 LES GEAUX!!!!
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Back On My Grind...(NEW LIFE SERIES)
Hey ya’ll! I would have posted sooner, but the laptop went on the fritz, and I was out of commission. Well it’s official….I’m employed!!! For the first time EVER, I’m really excited about my job…and not just because I’m getting a paycheck. LOL. I’m really happy about the company and my position. For those of you that absolutely love what you do, be GRATEFUL. I’ve been in Corporate America for 7 years, and I’ve held various positions, and this is the FIRST time, that I’m really looking forward to going to a job. Now to our parents’ generation, this is/was normal, but to us, we expect to love or at least LIKE what we do. We are taught that you get an education or some sort of training, and you get a job, and then you live happily ever after. What “they” forget to tell you is that there is NO GAURANTEE that you will even like what you do, but because you are an official grown-up, you have to suck it up, hold your chin up, and do the job that you are being paid to do!
When I graduated college (Shout out to THE SOUTHERN UNIVERSITY AND A&M COLLEGE….JAGUAR NATION STAND UP!!!) in 2004, my mother promptly told me that I was not coming home. Ya’ll would have to know Mrs. Faye to understand her humor (but she wasn’t playing tho. LOL)..I had to get a job, and be out on my own. There was no room to “find myself”, or to even figure out what I really wanted to do…college degree = J-O-B. So when I got a decent offer from a decent company, she accepted the offer for me. I had interned with the company, and it was good time. I liked my fellow interns, and quite a few of us were returning as full time employees. I really DID NOT like the city, however. I cried for weeks on end because I did NOT want to go….I wanted to be in Atlanta…I was calling in favors, and applying to every company that was remotely close to ATL. But God said otherwise. About 3 weeks before my start date, and I had no housing, no transportation, and no interest in getting either. I reluctantly booked a flight to get my affairs in order. This was supposed to be the happiest time in my life, and I was completely unhappy. I had to pack up my college apartment and really start living like and adult in NO-WHERESVILLE, USA. Looking back, I see that my attitude towards my living environment set the tone for how I felt about the company I was working for. I wasn’t happy, and unhappy employees don’t perform at 100%...they collect paychecks to keep the lights on. BIG DIFFERENCE.
I spent over 6 years at that company, and I can’t really say that I was ever happy…I tolerated, I pretended, I cried, I was depressed, but happiness never happened. Contentment was even a far cry from where I was. I often prayed about why I was in there, and what my purpose was for working for the company?? Why would God want me to be unhappy? I had to realize that this entire journey was preparation for what He had in store for me. God never gives us more than we can handle…most times we think about a bad situation we are in, but that saying also relates to the abundant blessings he will give us. I wasn’t ready to handle everything that God had in store for me, so he had to prepare me for it. I had to go through some things so that I would be stronger, wiser, and more mature. A lot of that happened at my place of worship, St. Paul Baptist Church (Shout out to my SPBC FAM!!). I had to be there in order to grow into the woman I am today. So yes, there were a lot of tears, a lot of unhappy times, and a lot of frustration, but I wouldn’t change anything. I’m fully prepared to live out my inheritance. I have the job I desired…with boundless opportunities. Safe to say, the journey was well worth it!!!
When I graduated college (Shout out to THE SOUTHERN UNIVERSITY AND A&M COLLEGE….JAGUAR NATION STAND UP!!!) in 2004, my mother promptly told me that I was not coming home. Ya’ll would have to know Mrs. Faye to understand her humor (but she wasn’t playing tho. LOL)..I had to get a job, and be out on my own. There was no room to “find myself”, or to even figure out what I really wanted to do…college degree = J-O-B. So when I got a decent offer from a decent company, she accepted the offer for me. I had interned with the company, and it was good time. I liked my fellow interns, and quite a few of us were returning as full time employees. I really DID NOT like the city, however. I cried for weeks on end because I did NOT want to go….I wanted to be in Atlanta…I was calling in favors, and applying to every company that was remotely close to ATL. But God said otherwise. About 3 weeks before my start date, and I had no housing, no transportation, and no interest in getting either. I reluctantly booked a flight to get my affairs in order. This was supposed to be the happiest time in my life, and I was completely unhappy. I had to pack up my college apartment and really start living like and adult in NO-WHERESVILLE, USA. Looking back, I see that my attitude towards my living environment set the tone for how I felt about the company I was working for. I wasn’t happy, and unhappy employees don’t perform at 100%...they collect paychecks to keep the lights on. BIG DIFFERENCE.
I spent over 6 years at that company, and I can’t really say that I was ever happy…I tolerated, I pretended, I cried, I was depressed, but happiness never happened. Contentment was even a far cry from where I was. I often prayed about why I was in there, and what my purpose was for working for the company?? Why would God want me to be unhappy? I had to realize that this entire journey was preparation for what He had in store for me. God never gives us more than we can handle…most times we think about a bad situation we are in, but that saying also relates to the abundant blessings he will give us. I wasn’t ready to handle everything that God had in store for me, so he had to prepare me for it. I had to go through some things so that I would be stronger, wiser, and more mature. A lot of that happened at my place of worship, St. Paul Baptist Church (Shout out to my SPBC FAM!!). I had to be there in order to grow into the woman I am today. So yes, there were a lot of tears, a lot of unhappy times, and a lot of frustration, but I wouldn’t change anything. I’m fully prepared to live out my inheritance. I have the job I desired…with boundless opportunities. Safe to say, the journey was well worth it!!!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Everybody Won't Make The Journey....(NEW LIFE Series)
Man it has been a MINUTE since I’ve been able to blog. While I’ve had some time on my hands, I’ve spent the last 5 weeks of my life grindin’…HARD. In case you missed the announcement, I’ve officially relocated to ATL SHAWTY..LOL. I’m so in love…I never thought it was possible to be in love with a city, but this city right here (in my Tamar Braxton Voice..LOL) is EVERYTHING. It literally gives me LIFE. I ride up and down 75/85 (still don’t quite know how all that works just yet, but I’m working on it..LOL) and I’m like a little kid. I really live here! I made it…God gave me the desires of my heart…and then the tears start to flow. I’ve wanted to live here since I was 14 years old. I remember crying because my Daddy told me he would not support me living in Atlanta (he lived here once upon a time…I assume he cut the FOOL..LOL) and that college here was out of the question. I cried myself to sleep that night…but I knew it wasn’t over! LOL. So yeah, I obeyed him and didn’t go to college here, and try as I did, I didn’t move here when I graduated….oh but NOW, the last year of my 20s…it’s about to be ON! LOL. I came here with a mission: START LIVING. It’s been so hard to really live since I lost my parents. Your life changes, you change, and nothing feels the same anymore. Happy is even different. Your happy is a new happy…weird, but true. My first challenge was finding a job. The week I got here the interviews started. I went hard for 5 weeks, and finally got that job offer! Thank you, Lord! Now it’s on to the living…
What I’ve realized (sometimes painfully) is that everyone can’t make every journey with you. It’s simply not possible. God brings different people in and out of our lives so that we can accomplish goals, and to aid in our journey. Whether we feel it’s good or bad, they are there to get us to the next mark in our journey. My issue is that I wanted to pack everyone up, put them in my suitcases, and start this new journey with them. The problem is, God asked me “What the devil are YOU doing?” He had to remind me that I asked for this NEW LIFE. I asked to be transformed…I asked to live life to the fullest….and he’s given me all of that…but he never said the people in my past and present would be my future. That knocked me flat out….but it explained a lot about why there were differences in relationships that I once had, and why everyone didn’t seem to remember that I had once been their support system. I took this very personally…even got mad…I mean I was HEATED…LOL. How dare they not support me? I was there for you! I was your rock when everyone else was too busy! And now your forget? Yeah, I clicked out…LOL. And then, while talking to God, he reminded me that these people that I had anger towards each aided me in my journey. They got me to a specific place, and then their time in my life was complete. It wasn’t a good or a bad thing, it was a purpose thing. Their purpose had been served, and now it was time to move forward. Don’t get me wrong, I still got my aces in my back pocket. Those people that God has blessed me with forever, and to them, I’m forever grateful! The point of it all is that everybody isn’t designed to be with you on every journey. Some folks you will pick up for a short period of time, and then they will get off because their job is done. Others will ride with you until the end of time. It’s just the ways things are. Don’t force anyone to take YOUR journey. Pray for guidance, and God will strategically place everyone and everything you need, right before your feet. How do I feel now about those that didn’t make the journey with me? I still get a bit upset from time to time, because I invested a lot of time into those relationships, but I try to remind myself that it was a plan and a purpose…and both were fulfilled. Like the old folks say, I wouldn’t take NOTHIN for my journey now….
What I’ve realized (sometimes painfully) is that everyone can’t make every journey with you. It’s simply not possible. God brings different people in and out of our lives so that we can accomplish goals, and to aid in our journey. Whether we feel it’s good or bad, they are there to get us to the next mark in our journey. My issue is that I wanted to pack everyone up, put them in my suitcases, and start this new journey with them. The problem is, God asked me “What the devil are YOU doing?” He had to remind me that I asked for this NEW LIFE. I asked to be transformed…I asked to live life to the fullest….and he’s given me all of that…but he never said the people in my past and present would be my future. That knocked me flat out….but it explained a lot about why there were differences in relationships that I once had, and why everyone didn’t seem to remember that I had once been their support system. I took this very personally…even got mad…I mean I was HEATED…LOL. How dare they not support me? I was there for you! I was your rock when everyone else was too busy! And now your forget? Yeah, I clicked out…LOL. And then, while talking to God, he reminded me that these people that I had anger towards each aided me in my journey. They got me to a specific place, and then their time in my life was complete. It wasn’t a good or a bad thing, it was a purpose thing. Their purpose had been served, and now it was time to move forward. Don’t get me wrong, I still got my aces in my back pocket. Those people that God has blessed me with forever, and to them, I’m forever grateful! The point of it all is that everybody isn’t designed to be with you on every journey. Some folks you will pick up for a short period of time, and then they will get off because their job is done. Others will ride with you until the end of time. It’s just the ways things are. Don’t force anyone to take YOUR journey. Pray for guidance, and God will strategically place everyone and everything you need, right before your feet. How do I feel now about those that didn’t make the journey with me? I still get a bit upset from time to time, because I invested a lot of time into those relationships, but I try to remind myself that it was a plan and a purpose…and both were fulfilled. Like the old folks say, I wouldn’t take NOTHIN for my journey now….
Sunday, May 1, 2011
When It Hurt's So Bad.....
When it hurts so bad that what you take for granted every day becomes a task and a challenge. When you can’t muster up the energy or motivation to get out of the bed, you just accept that today is one of “them days”. But it’s so much more than that…it’s a fight for your life, literally. Clinical depression and Anxiety disorders are REAL people. I’m not going to spit a bunch of facts and statistics at you, because that’s not my story. My story has nothing to do with numbers, and facts, but of what I struggle with daily. At 19, I was diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder. Basically, my mind and body absorb stress abnormally. There is no “shut down” for my mind, it just continues to think/worry/take in, whatever situation I’m in. At the time, I’d just completed my freshman year in college, and was trying to get approval for a surgery. Anyone that’s ever dealt with Insurance Companies can probably “Amen” how daunting and difficult a task it can be. I was working part-time, and so most of the “fight” (phone calls, etc) was on my hands. My family supported me tremendously, but I was the one at home, on the phones, praying that I could get this surgery. I’d been experiencing some weird stuff with my body. I felt like my blood sugar was low all the time, I had very little energy, and I felt like my “insides” were shaking at all times. It’s very difficult to explain, but imagine having seizure-like tremors going on inside of your body…you can’t see them, but you can feel it. This went on for about a week, and finally, IT HAPPENED. I had a full-on anxiety attack. Thankfully, my family was with me, but it was the scariest moment of my life. I could not control the tremors, and was crying uncontrollably. Of course the paramedics were called because no one knew what was going on. After following up with my doctor, she told me that I had this disorder, and I needed to go on meds ASAP. I absolutely refused! Medicine for “mental illness” in the African-American community was not only shunned, but it showed weakness. You can’t take a lil pressure? Only the STRONG SURVIVE? You MUST not be PRAYING ENOUGH! I bought into all of the hype…because I was the hype. I’d said those very things about people that I knew that were “crazy”, but it wasn’t until I was one of those people that I realized how hurtful and harmful these words are. Mental illness is REAL ya’ll! Not only is it REAL, but it’s genetic. My Maternal Grandmother’s sister suffered with similar symptoms for years, and we never knew what it was, or what to call it. My grandmother also has had anxiety attacks. To top it all off, it is suspected that my biological Paternal Grandmother suffered from some sort of Mental Illness. Because she was not officially diagnosed (to my knowledge), it is a toss up between Paranoid Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder. She suffered her entire life, acting out, and there was no help for her. There was no place outside of an insane asylum that she could get the help that she needed. Furthermore, when you are poor, your options are even more limited. It’s hard to get a penicillin shot, much less treatment for Mental Illness!
I lived with my disorder for a long time without seeking any type of medications. There would be times that I would have attacks, and afterwards, I’d take a nap (after all, a nap cures EVERYTHING, RIGHT? LOL), and get right back on my grind. It wasn’t until my mother’s illness, and then death, that things tipped over. I could no longer control what was going on. I couldn’t sleep at night, I cried uncontrollably; I distanced myself from family and friends, and often couldn’t get out of the bed. Yep, on top of my disorder, depression set in. Even though I had an ailing mother that was 1,000 miles away, I’m working a full time job, full time graduate student, trying to be Delta of the Year (shout out to my sorors!!! LOL), and hold the family down, I STILL couldn’t rationalize getting on any medicine. Now pay close attention, because this is what is important. Depression is not just mental, but it manifests itself in physical ways. For over a year, I had severe stomach issues. There would be this crippling pain that I felt in my upper GI track that could not be diagnosed. I’d been on several medications, and even through several tests, and everything came back normal. There would be these “flare-ups” that did not make sense. Finally, after suffering, my doctor sat me down and told me that this was Depression taking over my body. I was becoming physically ill because I was not mentally prepared to deal with all the things going on in my life. I could not mentally process things, so my body would physically process them through pain. Basically, the pain that my mind took in, my body felt. Thank GOD for Dr. Paige Murray! I truly believe that I became her patient so that she could help me get to a place where I could accept that I needed help. Why is that so hard for us to accept and take in? Life is HARD. Not just for me, but for people in general. We are but mere mortals, yet we expect to just be able to take LIFE on like superman. Jesus WEPT. He felt tremendous pain and suffering. So why do we NOT believe that we can’t feel these things? We suppress, and suppress, until one day it becomes too much and we either explode or implode, but the result is brokenness. My friends and I often talk about Mental Health in our community, and we all feel like everyone would be better off with a few sessions with a therapist. Yes, this means YOU. I’m sure you’ve dealt with some things in life that were hard, and it took you THROUGH. Please do not get me wrong, I’m a whole-hearted believer in prayer, and it’s power. But I also believe that God gives us what we need. If there were not a NEED for therapists and counselors, then they would not exist. God brings people to us for us to either help them, or for them to help us, it’s just that simple. What’s even more disappointing is that most Church’s don’t have any type of counseling available for their followers. They still believe that if you just put a lil Jesus on it, everything will be ok. Really? Is that so? So I can just put some Jesus on my problem (like I’m sprinkling season salt on some food), and that’s it? There aren’t any residual emotions that follow that? Jesus asked God to take the cup FROM HIM, before he went to the cross. So even He felt OVERWHELMED. Yes, I believe that God is my everything, and he can do everything! Can’t nobody tell me differently, but I also know that I’ve prayed that prayer, I’ve stood in the midst of my storm and told it to pass because God already claimed me victorious! I’ve stood up to Satan and told him that he was a liar, a thief, and he was NOT welcomed in my life. But even after all of that, I still had these residual feelings that came along with that. I still had to deal with these thoughts in my head, all the pain and emotion of my storm that was all still very, very real.
I eventually did begin a regimen of medication for my Anxiety Disorder because I could no longer live as if it did not exist. It was VERY scary to be on medicine because I was so afraid of the side effects. I did not want to lose my right mind, or to fall deeper than I already was. Thankfully, my doctor was super awesome, and did lots of research for me, and we got the right medicine with the right dosage, so that I could begin to actually cope. When you do have anxiety, you don’t really deal with the things that are going on with your life. You take them in, and you store them, but you don’t ever really bring them to surface because you can’t. You just hold on to all that “stuff.” I began my regimen in 2008, and I’m so thankful that I was brave enough to take that step. I no longer suffered in silence. I got the assistance that I needed. I’m sure some of you will read this and write me off as “crazy”…that’s cool. I understand your thought process, so no harm, no foul. My prayer is that someone will read this, and reach out to SOMEONE to get the help you need. There is no strength in silence. When you speak of what you feel, you are empowered to fight! Please reach out to your Pastor, a community center, a support group….but do not suffer in silence.
From a girl who came undone, but found the strength to put the pieces back together……
I lived with my disorder for a long time without seeking any type of medications. There would be times that I would have attacks, and afterwards, I’d take a nap (after all, a nap cures EVERYTHING, RIGHT? LOL), and get right back on my grind. It wasn’t until my mother’s illness, and then death, that things tipped over. I could no longer control what was going on. I couldn’t sleep at night, I cried uncontrollably; I distanced myself from family and friends, and often couldn’t get out of the bed. Yep, on top of my disorder, depression set in. Even though I had an ailing mother that was 1,000 miles away, I’m working a full time job, full time graduate student, trying to be Delta of the Year (shout out to my sorors!!! LOL), and hold the family down, I STILL couldn’t rationalize getting on any medicine. Now pay close attention, because this is what is important. Depression is not just mental, but it manifests itself in physical ways. For over a year, I had severe stomach issues. There would be this crippling pain that I felt in my upper GI track that could not be diagnosed. I’d been on several medications, and even through several tests, and everything came back normal. There would be these “flare-ups” that did not make sense. Finally, after suffering, my doctor sat me down and told me that this was Depression taking over my body. I was becoming physically ill because I was not mentally prepared to deal with all the things going on in my life. I could not mentally process things, so my body would physically process them through pain. Basically, the pain that my mind took in, my body felt. Thank GOD for Dr. Paige Murray! I truly believe that I became her patient so that she could help me get to a place where I could accept that I needed help. Why is that so hard for us to accept and take in? Life is HARD. Not just for me, but for people in general. We are but mere mortals, yet we expect to just be able to take LIFE on like superman. Jesus WEPT. He felt tremendous pain and suffering. So why do we NOT believe that we can’t feel these things? We suppress, and suppress, until one day it becomes too much and we either explode or implode, but the result is brokenness. My friends and I often talk about Mental Health in our community, and we all feel like everyone would be better off with a few sessions with a therapist. Yes, this means YOU. I’m sure you’ve dealt with some things in life that were hard, and it took you THROUGH. Please do not get me wrong, I’m a whole-hearted believer in prayer, and it’s power. But I also believe that God gives us what we need. If there were not a NEED for therapists and counselors, then they would not exist. God brings people to us for us to either help them, or for them to help us, it’s just that simple. What’s even more disappointing is that most Church’s don’t have any type of counseling available for their followers. They still believe that if you just put a lil Jesus on it, everything will be ok. Really? Is that so? So I can just put some Jesus on my problem (like I’m sprinkling season salt on some food), and that’s it? There aren’t any residual emotions that follow that? Jesus asked God to take the cup FROM HIM, before he went to the cross. So even He felt OVERWHELMED. Yes, I believe that God is my everything, and he can do everything! Can’t nobody tell me differently, but I also know that I’ve prayed that prayer, I’ve stood in the midst of my storm and told it to pass because God already claimed me victorious! I’ve stood up to Satan and told him that he was a liar, a thief, and he was NOT welcomed in my life. But even after all of that, I still had these residual feelings that came along with that. I still had to deal with these thoughts in my head, all the pain and emotion of my storm that was all still very, very real.
I eventually did begin a regimen of medication for my Anxiety Disorder because I could no longer live as if it did not exist. It was VERY scary to be on medicine because I was so afraid of the side effects. I did not want to lose my right mind, or to fall deeper than I already was. Thankfully, my doctor was super awesome, and did lots of research for me, and we got the right medicine with the right dosage, so that I could begin to actually cope. When you do have anxiety, you don’t really deal with the things that are going on with your life. You take them in, and you store them, but you don’t ever really bring them to surface because you can’t. You just hold on to all that “stuff.” I began my regimen in 2008, and I’m so thankful that I was brave enough to take that step. I no longer suffered in silence. I got the assistance that I needed. I’m sure some of you will read this and write me off as “crazy”…that’s cool. I understand your thought process, so no harm, no foul. My prayer is that someone will read this, and reach out to SOMEONE to get the help you need. There is no strength in silence. When you speak of what you feel, you are empowered to fight! Please reach out to your Pastor, a community center, a support group….but do not suffer in silence.
From a girl who came undone, but found the strength to put the pieces back together……
Sunday, April 17, 2011
When Life Happens
When Life Happens
Hey Ya’ll! *Britney Spears Voice* LOL. It’s been a minute since I’ve written a blog. A lot is going on right now. Life is definitely happening for me. I’m not sure what the end result will be, but I do know that once again, I’m being transformed into a different person. I’m being grown and my skin is shedding. For a person who gets very comfortable in who she is, this is a very, very scary time for me. I’m not a person who has a lot of fear, but when things become topsy turvy in my life, and I don’t know where I’m going or how I’m getting there, I’m scared as hell!
Outside of trying to embark on a new journey career-wise and life wise, God is teaching me a lot about whom I depend on in times of trouble and need. Of course we all like to say that we seek God first, and for some of us, that’s true, but it’s also great to have a set of sister-friends or homeboys that you can vent to, cry to, serve, and be served. I’m a very giving person by nature…in fact, my entire family is that way. We are very self-less, and where there is a need, we strive to meet that need…now you might get cussed out depending on the situation, but hey, at least the need was met. LOL. The problem is that when you have a heart to give, and do so freely, you can end up very vulnerable to those that don’t have that same spirit. Everyone is not the same, and God created us that way intentionally, however, he also created the Body of Christ so that we could be of service and be served by each other. In other words, this walk ain’t a one-way street…to whom much is given, much is required. I have to admit that I’m struggling with that right now. Some of the people that I expected to be in my corner and cheering me on, have become a bit silent, and those that I never dreamed to be compassionate have knocked me on my feet. I was blown away when a proclaimed non-believer of Christ showed me incredible, God-like compassion while I was “goin thru”. I battled with that…because although I know that God is amazing and can do works in so many ways, but at the same time, what was going on with the folks around me who were believers and who KNOW what I’m trying to do? Why did I feel so disconnected from them? Of course I know that they love me, but I felt like they really didn’t understand my place in life. It’s difficult to be in relationship with someone, and not understand each other’s needs. Regardless of the type of relationship, one should never take for granted that they “know” what the other person needs, is going through, or needs to let go of.
Because I trust my Pastor completely, I had a discussion with him about everything that’s going on in my life, and how overwhelmed I was feeling. He was able to get me to understand that my issues weren’t with the actual situations that I was facing, but the hurt I was feeling by the people I held close to my heart. Their response (or lack thereof) was the most difficult part to get over. Mainly because there is never a time when someone has to ASK me for anything. If I know that you need something, and I have the ability to meet that need, then I will. That is my nature. While I understand that is MY nature, I’ve learned that at times, I require reciprocity. I need someone to hear my cry and wipe the tears. I don’t expect someone to be or do as I would, because we are all individuals, but when life happens, and the walls start to close in, you need a support system to not only pray for you, and with you, but to spring you into action. Sometimes you don’t need anything tangible, but just a clear head and a sound mind to direct your path. So for that, I’m eternally grateful.
And because I DO have those people in my life that challenge me, and help me spring into action, I’m able to see clearly…I’m able to see past the emotions I’m feeling, and actually get some stuff done. And to top it all off, I have some folks that have picked up the pom poms and are cheering me on to victory. None of this changes the fact that life is happening and it will continue to happen, but when you know where to go to get your head and heart right, life ain’t so bad after all……
Dedicated to Genese, Rachel, Danielle, & The Brown’s……
Hey Ya’ll! *Britney Spears Voice* LOL. It’s been a minute since I’ve written a blog. A lot is going on right now. Life is definitely happening for me. I’m not sure what the end result will be, but I do know that once again, I’m being transformed into a different person. I’m being grown and my skin is shedding. For a person who gets very comfortable in who she is, this is a very, very scary time for me. I’m not a person who has a lot of fear, but when things become topsy turvy in my life, and I don’t know where I’m going or how I’m getting there, I’m scared as hell!
Outside of trying to embark on a new journey career-wise and life wise, God is teaching me a lot about whom I depend on in times of trouble and need. Of course we all like to say that we seek God first, and for some of us, that’s true, but it’s also great to have a set of sister-friends or homeboys that you can vent to, cry to, serve, and be served. I’m a very giving person by nature…in fact, my entire family is that way. We are very self-less, and where there is a need, we strive to meet that need…now you might get cussed out depending on the situation, but hey, at least the need was met. LOL. The problem is that when you have a heart to give, and do so freely, you can end up very vulnerable to those that don’t have that same spirit. Everyone is not the same, and God created us that way intentionally, however, he also created the Body of Christ so that we could be of service and be served by each other. In other words, this walk ain’t a one-way street…to whom much is given, much is required. I have to admit that I’m struggling with that right now. Some of the people that I expected to be in my corner and cheering me on, have become a bit silent, and those that I never dreamed to be compassionate have knocked me on my feet. I was blown away when a proclaimed non-believer of Christ showed me incredible, God-like compassion while I was “goin thru”. I battled with that…because although I know that God is amazing and can do works in so many ways, but at the same time, what was going on with the folks around me who were believers and who KNOW what I’m trying to do? Why did I feel so disconnected from them? Of course I know that they love me, but I felt like they really didn’t understand my place in life. It’s difficult to be in relationship with someone, and not understand each other’s needs. Regardless of the type of relationship, one should never take for granted that they “know” what the other person needs, is going through, or needs to let go of.
Because I trust my Pastor completely, I had a discussion with him about everything that’s going on in my life, and how overwhelmed I was feeling. He was able to get me to understand that my issues weren’t with the actual situations that I was facing, but the hurt I was feeling by the people I held close to my heart. Their response (or lack thereof) was the most difficult part to get over. Mainly because there is never a time when someone has to ASK me for anything. If I know that you need something, and I have the ability to meet that need, then I will. That is my nature. While I understand that is MY nature, I’ve learned that at times, I require reciprocity. I need someone to hear my cry and wipe the tears. I don’t expect someone to be or do as I would, because we are all individuals, but when life happens, and the walls start to close in, you need a support system to not only pray for you, and with you, but to spring you into action. Sometimes you don’t need anything tangible, but just a clear head and a sound mind to direct your path. So for that, I’m eternally grateful.
And because I DO have those people in my life that challenge me, and help me spring into action, I’m able to see clearly…I’m able to see past the emotions I’m feeling, and actually get some stuff done. And to top it all off, I have some folks that have picked up the pom poms and are cheering me on to victory. None of this changes the fact that life is happening and it will continue to happen, but when you know where to go to get your head and heart right, life ain’t so bad after all……
Dedicated to Genese, Rachel, Danielle, & The Brown’s……
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