It’s been SO LONG since I updated my blog. I’m ashamed of myself…and I apologize to those that read and support it. Well, I’M BACK! I hope ya’ll had a great Christmas!!! Mine was….exactly what I thought it would be and none of what I expected. Another blog, another time!
Anywhoo, my 30th birthday is FASTLY APPROACHING, and I am BEYOND excited…let’s just say, I’m ECSTATIC about entering a new decade. Although I’m grateful for my life, my 20’s were such a treacherous and tormented time in my life. Too many life lessons, reality checks, disappointment….and that was just 26! LOL. My 30s have GOT to be better…I’m not settling for anything else! I’ve been preparing for my birthday for a while now, because I want my mentality to be different. Each year, since I can remember, I’ve focused on 2 things around my birthday: Getting a man, and losing weight….that’s it. For shame and how dreadful! Not that these aren’t good things to focus on, I realized that I lost ME. I wasn’t focusing on how I can make Theryl the very best she can be, I was focusing on making me better for someone to choose me. Again, For shame!!! Where was I in this equation? So if I finally did get “chose” and lost weight, then what? Was that all that I had to offer? And who wants a partner that doesn’t have anything else going on but body issues and man issues?? Yep, NOBODY!
But this upcoming year, The Year of the 30, is going to be totally different (Tamar Braxton Voice.) My focus is on God (putting him absolutely first, at all times, regardless of what I face), and being directed to a better me. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I want more! I want to be the person that I seek in a mate, and if I’m honest with myself, I’m not there yet. I want to enjoy being me, and enjoy building me. I don’t want to be wrapped up in “is this the one?”, and “is he thinking about me”…that’s them 20’s and we off that! LOL. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I don’t want to be married…oh no, I absolutely do. What I’m doing now is called preparation. I’m preparing myself to be whole, complete, and ready for that blessing. I respect the sanctity of marriage far too much to disrespect it by asking for what I’m not prepared to give.
So how am I preparing? I’m dating myself….I’m focusing all my energy on me, and peeling back all my layers, getting rid of all the junk, and putting more good stuff in. I’m finally getting rid of this unwanted weight. I’m letting go all of the things that weigh me down, including me! As I’ve said in previous blog entries, I’ve fought this physical me fight for a LONG TIME. I’m sick and damn tired of it! I need to free up this mental space to focus on something else. I’ve removed all of the excuses, the low self-esteem, the laziness, and I’m just DOING IT. And I’m not waiting on the year to turn, or an hour to come before I start…I’m doing it NOW. Stay tuned….
Monday, December 26, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
It Is Well
It’s been a while since I’ve had the chance to post a blog. I’ve written some, just didn’t feel the need to post them…writing is my release, so sometimes, I just need to let it out, and then I feel better. LOL. Other times, I feel like what I’m going through will help someone, so I post it. Well I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend! Let me first say THANK YOU JESUS, FOR THE REST! I definitely needed some time just to rest my mind and body, so that I can be healthy. Believe it or not, sleep is a key aspect to being or becoming healthy, and I’m not very good about making sure I get enough rest. I’m a night owl, so it’s hard to go to bed early…we’ll see how this works out. Stay tuned.
Initially, when I knew that I was moving to Atlanta, I told myself it would be a year before I began to look for a new church home. Not because I’m against going to church, I just felt like my work/time with my existing church wasn’t over just because I moved away. I’m still very much connected, and intend to keep that relationship alive forever. My purpose for not searching for a church home was that I wanted to make sure my home was in order first. Most times, we forget that serving God doesn’t just happen within the church, but it happens (or should happen) everyday, all day. I wanted to make sure that when I made this transition, that I was doing everything God wanted me to do. Church family is HUGE for me. I’ve been blessed to have 2 in my lifetime, and I’m still very much so attached to them. This is one of the most important relationships you can have…who you fellowship with, and how you fellowship is extremely important to your walk with Christ. I don’t want to be a “church hopper” and just run from church to church. I want God to direct me to a place where he’s prepared them and me for what’s to come.
For the super holy, super church going folk, let’s get this out of the way. Yes, God encourages us to fellowship with each other, to spread the gospel, and to make fishers of men (going to church, ministering to people, etc), but if you read your bibles, you know that this does NOT always happen within the confines of a church. I can minister to a stranger that God leads me to, just as I can be ministered to by a Pastor of a church. I’m not making excuses about not attending church….I know what it does for me and what I gain from it. But what I am saying is that I’m not going to rush an important decision to make myself seem more “Christian” or to be able to say I’m in church every Sunday. Newsflash: Satan is in church every Sunday as well…does that mean he’s any closer to heaven? Just a little food for thought. The decision on where I will fellowship is not one I will make in haste, and I continue to pray for guidance on where I will be served and where I can serve.
My biggest challenge in my prayers is not allowing my trust issues to interfere with receiving the word of God. There are very FEW people that obtain my trust, especially when it comes to feeding me spiritually. Yes, I know it’s not the man, but the God that resides in the man, but as a man, you are wrapped in flesh, just as I, and face the same, if not MORE temptation. I see a lot of shepherds making poor decisions concerning their flock, and it’s scary. My previous and current Pastors have made it very hard for me to move forward, and I’m ok with that….LOL. I trust that they will make Godly decisions for themselves, their families, and their flock. I know that they are human, and will not always make the right choice, but I trust that they love God enough to always make things right with him. Now you might say that it was just a matter of me getting to know them that led me to feel this way, but it was not. My first Pastor knew me before I knew me…LOL, and my current pastor, there was just something in his spirit that allowed me to immediately see God working through him and on him. God led me to my church, and I haven’t had a single regret. Why would I not trust him to lead me to another church, IN HIS TIMING? I’ve learned that this walk doesn’t have copy-cat instructions…the same rules don’t always apply to everyone’s journey.
Initially, when I knew that I was moving to Atlanta, I told myself it would be a year before I began to look for a new church home. Not because I’m against going to church, I just felt like my work/time with my existing church wasn’t over just because I moved away. I’m still very much connected, and intend to keep that relationship alive forever. My purpose for not searching for a church home was that I wanted to make sure my home was in order first. Most times, we forget that serving God doesn’t just happen within the church, but it happens (or should happen) everyday, all day. I wanted to make sure that when I made this transition, that I was doing everything God wanted me to do. Church family is HUGE for me. I’ve been blessed to have 2 in my lifetime, and I’m still very much so attached to them. This is one of the most important relationships you can have…who you fellowship with, and how you fellowship is extremely important to your walk with Christ. I don’t want to be a “church hopper” and just run from church to church. I want God to direct me to a place where he’s prepared them and me for what’s to come.
For the super holy, super church going folk, let’s get this out of the way. Yes, God encourages us to fellowship with each other, to spread the gospel, and to make fishers of men (going to church, ministering to people, etc), but if you read your bibles, you know that this does NOT always happen within the confines of a church. I can minister to a stranger that God leads me to, just as I can be ministered to by a Pastor of a church. I’m not making excuses about not attending church….I know what it does for me and what I gain from it. But what I am saying is that I’m not going to rush an important decision to make myself seem more “Christian” or to be able to say I’m in church every Sunday. Newsflash: Satan is in church every Sunday as well…does that mean he’s any closer to heaven? Just a little food for thought. The decision on where I will fellowship is not one I will make in haste, and I continue to pray for guidance on where I will be served and where I can serve.
My biggest challenge in my prayers is not allowing my trust issues to interfere with receiving the word of God. There are very FEW people that obtain my trust, especially when it comes to feeding me spiritually. Yes, I know it’s not the man, but the God that resides in the man, but as a man, you are wrapped in flesh, just as I, and face the same, if not MORE temptation. I see a lot of shepherds making poor decisions concerning their flock, and it’s scary. My previous and current Pastors have made it very hard for me to move forward, and I’m ok with that….LOL. I trust that they will make Godly decisions for themselves, their families, and their flock. I know that they are human, and will not always make the right choice, but I trust that they love God enough to always make things right with him. Now you might say that it was just a matter of me getting to know them that led me to feel this way, but it was not. My first Pastor knew me before I knew me…LOL, and my current pastor, there was just something in his spirit that allowed me to immediately see God working through him and on him. God led me to my church, and I haven’t had a single regret. Why would I not trust him to lead me to another church, IN HIS TIMING? I’ve learned that this walk doesn’t have copy-cat instructions…the same rules don’t always apply to everyone’s journey.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
This Is The Song That Never Ends.... (NEW LIFE SERIES)
This Is The Song That Never Ends…
Hey yall! I’m back again…blogging feels so good! Life is good…I’m good…everything is just GOOD. There is always just this one thing that’s never quite so good with me. My size….for as long as I can remember, it’s been an issue with me. My very first memory of being different was in Kindergarten. I used to be the tallest kid in my class, so I always stuck out, but I was traditionally bigger than the rest of the girls. Even though I wasn’t teased, I always felt like I was different…like I just wished that I could be the girl that wasn’t noticed….in THAT way. Let me just say, I’ve NEVER been a skinny girl….NEVER…and if God says the same, I NEVER will be. It’s not something I’m concerned with, but I do want to be happy with what I see when I wake up in the morning. Now I also have to keep in mind that I am A WOMAN, so there is a GOOD chance that I will always find something wrong, but for the most part, I want to be content with what I see and how I feel. If I’m being honest, I’ve never been in that space. I’ve pretended to be ok with it, and I’ve forced confidence upon myself, but I don’t think I’ve ever really felt that…it’s a first that I’m looking forward to.
I’m not ashamed to say I’ve tried a little of everything to lose weight….and I do mean a little of everything. At one point, I spent most of my free time trying to figure out how to lose weight. If there was a new fad diet, I knew the ends and outs of it, and would beg my parents to get me whatever I needed. I may lose a few pounds, get bored, and then go back to my normal. Years and years of yo-yo dieting has taken a toll on my body. Because I would do things to manipulate my metabolism, (speeding it way up, and then stopping the diet), I now have Hypothyroidism. In lamens terms, my metabolism does not work on it’s own. With a normal person, they will intake food, and then their thyroid will work to help burn it off to prepare for the next meal. With me, I always feel full (if I’m not on my meds), and never have an actual appetite. I also tend to slowly gain weight, which is the complete OPPOSITE direction that I want to go in. So on top of everything else, now I have to battle a disease that keeps weight ON me? Seriously? Where is the “Punked” cameras???
I’m so sick and tired TO DEATH of this never-ending song. I want to hit the “Next” button, and MOVE ON. The one thing I’ve never done to feel and look better is to commit to a workout routine. Since my move, I’ve actually committed myself to working out and trying to eat in smaller portions. I started with Zumba, which I highly recommend, and now I’m in boot camp, which is hell on earth. Seriously. I don’t know who actually LIKES boot camp, but it is a means to an end for me. I absolutely HATE waking up at 5am and working OUT, but I need this…I need to finally do this….I need this to work so that I can get to the next song!!!!
So I’m putting my deepest insecurity out here in cyberspace, because I’m TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT IT…I feel like if I give it over to the net, then it’s forever gone, and I can move FORWARD. Dedicated to @Foxy_Roxy911 & @GiGi17 LES GEAUX!!!!
Hey yall! I’m back again…blogging feels so good! Life is good…I’m good…everything is just GOOD. There is always just this one thing that’s never quite so good with me. My size….for as long as I can remember, it’s been an issue with me. My very first memory of being different was in Kindergarten. I used to be the tallest kid in my class, so I always stuck out, but I was traditionally bigger than the rest of the girls. Even though I wasn’t teased, I always felt like I was different…like I just wished that I could be the girl that wasn’t noticed….in THAT way. Let me just say, I’ve NEVER been a skinny girl….NEVER…and if God says the same, I NEVER will be. It’s not something I’m concerned with, but I do want to be happy with what I see when I wake up in the morning. Now I also have to keep in mind that I am A WOMAN, so there is a GOOD chance that I will always find something wrong, but for the most part, I want to be content with what I see and how I feel. If I’m being honest, I’ve never been in that space. I’ve pretended to be ok with it, and I’ve forced confidence upon myself, but I don’t think I’ve ever really felt that…it’s a first that I’m looking forward to.
I’m not ashamed to say I’ve tried a little of everything to lose weight….and I do mean a little of everything. At one point, I spent most of my free time trying to figure out how to lose weight. If there was a new fad diet, I knew the ends and outs of it, and would beg my parents to get me whatever I needed. I may lose a few pounds, get bored, and then go back to my normal. Years and years of yo-yo dieting has taken a toll on my body. Because I would do things to manipulate my metabolism, (speeding it way up, and then stopping the diet), I now have Hypothyroidism. In lamens terms, my metabolism does not work on it’s own. With a normal person, they will intake food, and then their thyroid will work to help burn it off to prepare for the next meal. With me, I always feel full (if I’m not on my meds), and never have an actual appetite. I also tend to slowly gain weight, which is the complete OPPOSITE direction that I want to go in. So on top of everything else, now I have to battle a disease that keeps weight ON me? Seriously? Where is the “Punked” cameras???
I’m so sick and tired TO DEATH of this never-ending song. I want to hit the “Next” button, and MOVE ON. The one thing I’ve never done to feel and look better is to commit to a workout routine. Since my move, I’ve actually committed myself to working out and trying to eat in smaller portions. I started with Zumba, which I highly recommend, and now I’m in boot camp, which is hell on earth. Seriously. I don’t know who actually LIKES boot camp, but it is a means to an end for me. I absolutely HATE waking up at 5am and working OUT, but I need this…I need to finally do this….I need this to work so that I can get to the next song!!!!
So I’m putting my deepest insecurity out here in cyberspace, because I’m TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT IT…I feel like if I give it over to the net, then it’s forever gone, and I can move FORWARD. Dedicated to @Foxy_Roxy911 & @GiGi17 LES GEAUX!!!!
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Back On My Grind...(NEW LIFE SERIES)
Hey ya’ll! I would have posted sooner, but the laptop went on the fritz, and I was out of commission. Well it’s official….I’m employed!!! For the first time EVER, I’m really excited about my job…and not just because I’m getting a paycheck. LOL. I’m really happy about the company and my position. For those of you that absolutely love what you do, be GRATEFUL. I’ve been in Corporate America for 7 years, and I’ve held various positions, and this is the FIRST time, that I’m really looking forward to going to a job. Now to our parents’ generation, this is/was normal, but to us, we expect to love or at least LIKE what we do. We are taught that you get an education or some sort of training, and you get a job, and then you live happily ever after. What “they” forget to tell you is that there is NO GAURANTEE that you will even like what you do, but because you are an official grown-up, you have to suck it up, hold your chin up, and do the job that you are being paid to do!
When I graduated college (Shout out to THE SOUTHERN UNIVERSITY AND A&M COLLEGE….JAGUAR NATION STAND UP!!!) in 2004, my mother promptly told me that I was not coming home. Ya’ll would have to know Mrs. Faye to understand her humor (but she wasn’t playing tho. LOL)..I had to get a job, and be out on my own. There was no room to “find myself”, or to even figure out what I really wanted to do…college degree = J-O-B. So when I got a decent offer from a decent company, she accepted the offer for me. I had interned with the company, and it was good time. I liked my fellow interns, and quite a few of us were returning as full time employees. I really DID NOT like the city, however. I cried for weeks on end because I did NOT want to go….I wanted to be in Atlanta…I was calling in favors, and applying to every company that was remotely close to ATL. But God said otherwise. About 3 weeks before my start date, and I had no housing, no transportation, and no interest in getting either. I reluctantly booked a flight to get my affairs in order. This was supposed to be the happiest time in my life, and I was completely unhappy. I had to pack up my college apartment and really start living like and adult in NO-WHERESVILLE, USA. Looking back, I see that my attitude towards my living environment set the tone for how I felt about the company I was working for. I wasn’t happy, and unhappy employees don’t perform at 100%...they collect paychecks to keep the lights on. BIG DIFFERENCE.
I spent over 6 years at that company, and I can’t really say that I was ever happy…I tolerated, I pretended, I cried, I was depressed, but happiness never happened. Contentment was even a far cry from where I was. I often prayed about why I was in there, and what my purpose was for working for the company?? Why would God want me to be unhappy? I had to realize that this entire journey was preparation for what He had in store for me. God never gives us more than we can handle…most times we think about a bad situation we are in, but that saying also relates to the abundant blessings he will give us. I wasn’t ready to handle everything that God had in store for me, so he had to prepare me for it. I had to go through some things so that I would be stronger, wiser, and more mature. A lot of that happened at my place of worship, St. Paul Baptist Church (Shout out to my SPBC FAM!!). I had to be there in order to grow into the woman I am today. So yes, there were a lot of tears, a lot of unhappy times, and a lot of frustration, but I wouldn’t change anything. I’m fully prepared to live out my inheritance. I have the job I desired…with boundless opportunities. Safe to say, the journey was well worth it!!!
When I graduated college (Shout out to THE SOUTHERN UNIVERSITY AND A&M COLLEGE….JAGUAR NATION STAND UP!!!) in 2004, my mother promptly told me that I was not coming home. Ya’ll would have to know Mrs. Faye to understand her humor (but she wasn’t playing tho. LOL)..I had to get a job, and be out on my own. There was no room to “find myself”, or to even figure out what I really wanted to do…college degree = J-O-B. So when I got a decent offer from a decent company, she accepted the offer for me. I had interned with the company, and it was good time. I liked my fellow interns, and quite a few of us were returning as full time employees. I really DID NOT like the city, however. I cried for weeks on end because I did NOT want to go….I wanted to be in Atlanta…I was calling in favors, and applying to every company that was remotely close to ATL. But God said otherwise. About 3 weeks before my start date, and I had no housing, no transportation, and no interest in getting either. I reluctantly booked a flight to get my affairs in order. This was supposed to be the happiest time in my life, and I was completely unhappy. I had to pack up my college apartment and really start living like and adult in NO-WHERESVILLE, USA. Looking back, I see that my attitude towards my living environment set the tone for how I felt about the company I was working for. I wasn’t happy, and unhappy employees don’t perform at 100%...they collect paychecks to keep the lights on. BIG DIFFERENCE.
I spent over 6 years at that company, and I can’t really say that I was ever happy…I tolerated, I pretended, I cried, I was depressed, but happiness never happened. Contentment was even a far cry from where I was. I often prayed about why I was in there, and what my purpose was for working for the company?? Why would God want me to be unhappy? I had to realize that this entire journey was preparation for what He had in store for me. God never gives us more than we can handle…most times we think about a bad situation we are in, but that saying also relates to the abundant blessings he will give us. I wasn’t ready to handle everything that God had in store for me, so he had to prepare me for it. I had to go through some things so that I would be stronger, wiser, and more mature. A lot of that happened at my place of worship, St. Paul Baptist Church (Shout out to my SPBC FAM!!). I had to be there in order to grow into the woman I am today. So yes, there were a lot of tears, a lot of unhappy times, and a lot of frustration, but I wouldn’t change anything. I’m fully prepared to live out my inheritance. I have the job I desired…with boundless opportunities. Safe to say, the journey was well worth it!!!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Everybody Won't Make The Journey....(NEW LIFE Series)
Man it has been a MINUTE since I’ve been able to blog. While I’ve had some time on my hands, I’ve spent the last 5 weeks of my life grindin’…HARD. In case you missed the announcement, I’ve officially relocated to ATL SHAWTY..LOL. I’m so in love…I never thought it was possible to be in love with a city, but this city right here (in my Tamar Braxton Voice..LOL) is EVERYTHING. It literally gives me LIFE. I ride up and down 75/85 (still don’t quite know how all that works just yet, but I’m working on it..LOL) and I’m like a little kid. I really live here! I made it…God gave me the desires of my heart…and then the tears start to flow. I’ve wanted to live here since I was 14 years old. I remember crying because my Daddy told me he would not support me living in Atlanta (he lived here once upon a time…I assume he cut the FOOL..LOL) and that college here was out of the question. I cried myself to sleep that night…but I knew it wasn’t over! LOL. So yeah, I obeyed him and didn’t go to college here, and try as I did, I didn’t move here when I graduated….oh but NOW, the last year of my 20s…it’s about to be ON! LOL. I came here with a mission: START LIVING. It’s been so hard to really live since I lost my parents. Your life changes, you change, and nothing feels the same anymore. Happy is even different. Your happy is a new happy…weird, but true. My first challenge was finding a job. The week I got here the interviews started. I went hard for 5 weeks, and finally got that job offer! Thank you, Lord! Now it’s on to the living…
What I’ve realized (sometimes painfully) is that everyone can’t make every journey with you. It’s simply not possible. God brings different people in and out of our lives so that we can accomplish goals, and to aid in our journey. Whether we feel it’s good or bad, they are there to get us to the next mark in our journey. My issue is that I wanted to pack everyone up, put them in my suitcases, and start this new journey with them. The problem is, God asked me “What the devil are YOU doing?” He had to remind me that I asked for this NEW LIFE. I asked to be transformed…I asked to live life to the fullest….and he’s given me all of that…but he never said the people in my past and present would be my future. That knocked me flat out….but it explained a lot about why there were differences in relationships that I once had, and why everyone didn’t seem to remember that I had once been their support system. I took this very personally…even got mad…I mean I was HEATED…LOL. How dare they not support me? I was there for you! I was your rock when everyone else was too busy! And now your forget? Yeah, I clicked out…LOL. And then, while talking to God, he reminded me that these people that I had anger towards each aided me in my journey. They got me to a specific place, and then their time in my life was complete. It wasn’t a good or a bad thing, it was a purpose thing. Their purpose had been served, and now it was time to move forward. Don’t get me wrong, I still got my aces in my back pocket. Those people that God has blessed me with forever, and to them, I’m forever grateful! The point of it all is that everybody isn’t designed to be with you on every journey. Some folks you will pick up for a short period of time, and then they will get off because their job is done. Others will ride with you until the end of time. It’s just the ways things are. Don’t force anyone to take YOUR journey. Pray for guidance, and God will strategically place everyone and everything you need, right before your feet. How do I feel now about those that didn’t make the journey with me? I still get a bit upset from time to time, because I invested a lot of time into those relationships, but I try to remind myself that it was a plan and a purpose…and both were fulfilled. Like the old folks say, I wouldn’t take NOTHIN for my journey now….
What I’ve realized (sometimes painfully) is that everyone can’t make every journey with you. It’s simply not possible. God brings different people in and out of our lives so that we can accomplish goals, and to aid in our journey. Whether we feel it’s good or bad, they are there to get us to the next mark in our journey. My issue is that I wanted to pack everyone up, put them in my suitcases, and start this new journey with them. The problem is, God asked me “What the devil are YOU doing?” He had to remind me that I asked for this NEW LIFE. I asked to be transformed…I asked to live life to the fullest….and he’s given me all of that…but he never said the people in my past and present would be my future. That knocked me flat out….but it explained a lot about why there were differences in relationships that I once had, and why everyone didn’t seem to remember that I had once been their support system. I took this very personally…even got mad…I mean I was HEATED…LOL. How dare they not support me? I was there for you! I was your rock when everyone else was too busy! And now your forget? Yeah, I clicked out…LOL. And then, while talking to God, he reminded me that these people that I had anger towards each aided me in my journey. They got me to a specific place, and then their time in my life was complete. It wasn’t a good or a bad thing, it was a purpose thing. Their purpose had been served, and now it was time to move forward. Don’t get me wrong, I still got my aces in my back pocket. Those people that God has blessed me with forever, and to them, I’m forever grateful! The point of it all is that everybody isn’t designed to be with you on every journey. Some folks you will pick up for a short period of time, and then they will get off because their job is done. Others will ride with you until the end of time. It’s just the ways things are. Don’t force anyone to take YOUR journey. Pray for guidance, and God will strategically place everyone and everything you need, right before your feet. How do I feel now about those that didn’t make the journey with me? I still get a bit upset from time to time, because I invested a lot of time into those relationships, but I try to remind myself that it was a plan and a purpose…and both were fulfilled. Like the old folks say, I wouldn’t take NOTHIN for my journey now….
Sunday, May 1, 2011
When It Hurt's So Bad.....
When it hurts so bad that what you take for granted every day becomes a task and a challenge. When you can’t muster up the energy or motivation to get out of the bed, you just accept that today is one of “them days”. But it’s so much more than that…it’s a fight for your life, literally. Clinical depression and Anxiety disorders are REAL people. I’m not going to spit a bunch of facts and statistics at you, because that’s not my story. My story has nothing to do with numbers, and facts, but of what I struggle with daily. At 19, I was diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder. Basically, my mind and body absorb stress abnormally. There is no “shut down” for my mind, it just continues to think/worry/take in, whatever situation I’m in. At the time, I’d just completed my freshman year in college, and was trying to get approval for a surgery. Anyone that’s ever dealt with Insurance Companies can probably “Amen” how daunting and difficult a task it can be. I was working part-time, and so most of the “fight” (phone calls, etc) was on my hands. My family supported me tremendously, but I was the one at home, on the phones, praying that I could get this surgery. I’d been experiencing some weird stuff with my body. I felt like my blood sugar was low all the time, I had very little energy, and I felt like my “insides” were shaking at all times. It’s very difficult to explain, but imagine having seizure-like tremors going on inside of your body…you can’t see them, but you can feel it. This went on for about a week, and finally, IT HAPPENED. I had a full-on anxiety attack. Thankfully, my family was with me, but it was the scariest moment of my life. I could not control the tremors, and was crying uncontrollably. Of course the paramedics were called because no one knew what was going on. After following up with my doctor, she told me that I had this disorder, and I needed to go on meds ASAP. I absolutely refused! Medicine for “mental illness” in the African-American community was not only shunned, but it showed weakness. You can’t take a lil pressure? Only the STRONG SURVIVE? You MUST not be PRAYING ENOUGH! I bought into all of the hype…because I was the hype. I’d said those very things about people that I knew that were “crazy”, but it wasn’t until I was one of those people that I realized how hurtful and harmful these words are. Mental illness is REAL ya’ll! Not only is it REAL, but it’s genetic. My Maternal Grandmother’s sister suffered with similar symptoms for years, and we never knew what it was, or what to call it. My grandmother also has had anxiety attacks. To top it all off, it is suspected that my biological Paternal Grandmother suffered from some sort of Mental Illness. Because she was not officially diagnosed (to my knowledge), it is a toss up between Paranoid Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder. She suffered her entire life, acting out, and there was no help for her. There was no place outside of an insane asylum that she could get the help that she needed. Furthermore, when you are poor, your options are even more limited. It’s hard to get a penicillin shot, much less treatment for Mental Illness!
I lived with my disorder for a long time without seeking any type of medications. There would be times that I would have attacks, and afterwards, I’d take a nap (after all, a nap cures EVERYTHING, RIGHT? LOL), and get right back on my grind. It wasn’t until my mother’s illness, and then death, that things tipped over. I could no longer control what was going on. I couldn’t sleep at night, I cried uncontrollably; I distanced myself from family and friends, and often couldn’t get out of the bed. Yep, on top of my disorder, depression set in. Even though I had an ailing mother that was 1,000 miles away, I’m working a full time job, full time graduate student, trying to be Delta of the Year (shout out to my sorors!!! LOL), and hold the family down, I STILL couldn’t rationalize getting on any medicine. Now pay close attention, because this is what is important. Depression is not just mental, but it manifests itself in physical ways. For over a year, I had severe stomach issues. There would be this crippling pain that I felt in my upper GI track that could not be diagnosed. I’d been on several medications, and even through several tests, and everything came back normal. There would be these “flare-ups” that did not make sense. Finally, after suffering, my doctor sat me down and told me that this was Depression taking over my body. I was becoming physically ill because I was not mentally prepared to deal with all the things going on in my life. I could not mentally process things, so my body would physically process them through pain. Basically, the pain that my mind took in, my body felt. Thank GOD for Dr. Paige Murray! I truly believe that I became her patient so that she could help me get to a place where I could accept that I needed help. Why is that so hard for us to accept and take in? Life is HARD. Not just for me, but for people in general. We are but mere mortals, yet we expect to just be able to take LIFE on like superman. Jesus WEPT. He felt tremendous pain and suffering. So why do we NOT believe that we can’t feel these things? We suppress, and suppress, until one day it becomes too much and we either explode or implode, but the result is brokenness. My friends and I often talk about Mental Health in our community, and we all feel like everyone would be better off with a few sessions with a therapist. Yes, this means YOU. I’m sure you’ve dealt with some things in life that were hard, and it took you THROUGH. Please do not get me wrong, I’m a whole-hearted believer in prayer, and it’s power. But I also believe that God gives us what we need. If there were not a NEED for therapists and counselors, then they would not exist. God brings people to us for us to either help them, or for them to help us, it’s just that simple. What’s even more disappointing is that most Church’s don’t have any type of counseling available for their followers. They still believe that if you just put a lil Jesus on it, everything will be ok. Really? Is that so? So I can just put some Jesus on my problem (like I’m sprinkling season salt on some food), and that’s it? There aren’t any residual emotions that follow that? Jesus asked God to take the cup FROM HIM, before he went to the cross. So even He felt OVERWHELMED. Yes, I believe that God is my everything, and he can do everything! Can’t nobody tell me differently, but I also know that I’ve prayed that prayer, I’ve stood in the midst of my storm and told it to pass because God already claimed me victorious! I’ve stood up to Satan and told him that he was a liar, a thief, and he was NOT welcomed in my life. But even after all of that, I still had these residual feelings that came along with that. I still had to deal with these thoughts in my head, all the pain and emotion of my storm that was all still very, very real.
I eventually did begin a regimen of medication for my Anxiety Disorder because I could no longer live as if it did not exist. It was VERY scary to be on medicine because I was so afraid of the side effects. I did not want to lose my right mind, or to fall deeper than I already was. Thankfully, my doctor was super awesome, and did lots of research for me, and we got the right medicine with the right dosage, so that I could begin to actually cope. When you do have anxiety, you don’t really deal with the things that are going on with your life. You take them in, and you store them, but you don’t ever really bring them to surface because you can’t. You just hold on to all that “stuff.” I began my regimen in 2008, and I’m so thankful that I was brave enough to take that step. I no longer suffered in silence. I got the assistance that I needed. I’m sure some of you will read this and write me off as “crazy”…that’s cool. I understand your thought process, so no harm, no foul. My prayer is that someone will read this, and reach out to SOMEONE to get the help you need. There is no strength in silence. When you speak of what you feel, you are empowered to fight! Please reach out to your Pastor, a community center, a support group….but do not suffer in silence.
From a girl who came undone, but found the strength to put the pieces back together……
I lived with my disorder for a long time without seeking any type of medications. There would be times that I would have attacks, and afterwards, I’d take a nap (after all, a nap cures EVERYTHING, RIGHT? LOL), and get right back on my grind. It wasn’t until my mother’s illness, and then death, that things tipped over. I could no longer control what was going on. I couldn’t sleep at night, I cried uncontrollably; I distanced myself from family and friends, and often couldn’t get out of the bed. Yep, on top of my disorder, depression set in. Even though I had an ailing mother that was 1,000 miles away, I’m working a full time job, full time graduate student, trying to be Delta of the Year (shout out to my sorors!!! LOL), and hold the family down, I STILL couldn’t rationalize getting on any medicine. Now pay close attention, because this is what is important. Depression is not just mental, but it manifests itself in physical ways. For over a year, I had severe stomach issues. There would be this crippling pain that I felt in my upper GI track that could not be diagnosed. I’d been on several medications, and even through several tests, and everything came back normal. There would be these “flare-ups” that did not make sense. Finally, after suffering, my doctor sat me down and told me that this was Depression taking over my body. I was becoming physically ill because I was not mentally prepared to deal with all the things going on in my life. I could not mentally process things, so my body would physically process them through pain. Basically, the pain that my mind took in, my body felt. Thank GOD for Dr. Paige Murray! I truly believe that I became her patient so that she could help me get to a place where I could accept that I needed help. Why is that so hard for us to accept and take in? Life is HARD. Not just for me, but for people in general. We are but mere mortals, yet we expect to just be able to take LIFE on like superman. Jesus WEPT. He felt tremendous pain and suffering. So why do we NOT believe that we can’t feel these things? We suppress, and suppress, until one day it becomes too much and we either explode or implode, but the result is brokenness. My friends and I often talk about Mental Health in our community, and we all feel like everyone would be better off with a few sessions with a therapist. Yes, this means YOU. I’m sure you’ve dealt with some things in life that were hard, and it took you THROUGH. Please do not get me wrong, I’m a whole-hearted believer in prayer, and it’s power. But I also believe that God gives us what we need. If there were not a NEED for therapists and counselors, then they would not exist. God brings people to us for us to either help them, or for them to help us, it’s just that simple. What’s even more disappointing is that most Church’s don’t have any type of counseling available for their followers. They still believe that if you just put a lil Jesus on it, everything will be ok. Really? Is that so? So I can just put some Jesus on my problem (like I’m sprinkling season salt on some food), and that’s it? There aren’t any residual emotions that follow that? Jesus asked God to take the cup FROM HIM, before he went to the cross. So even He felt OVERWHELMED. Yes, I believe that God is my everything, and he can do everything! Can’t nobody tell me differently, but I also know that I’ve prayed that prayer, I’ve stood in the midst of my storm and told it to pass because God already claimed me victorious! I’ve stood up to Satan and told him that he was a liar, a thief, and he was NOT welcomed in my life. But even after all of that, I still had these residual feelings that came along with that. I still had to deal with these thoughts in my head, all the pain and emotion of my storm that was all still very, very real.
I eventually did begin a regimen of medication for my Anxiety Disorder because I could no longer live as if it did not exist. It was VERY scary to be on medicine because I was so afraid of the side effects. I did not want to lose my right mind, or to fall deeper than I already was. Thankfully, my doctor was super awesome, and did lots of research for me, and we got the right medicine with the right dosage, so that I could begin to actually cope. When you do have anxiety, you don’t really deal with the things that are going on with your life. You take them in, and you store them, but you don’t ever really bring them to surface because you can’t. You just hold on to all that “stuff.” I began my regimen in 2008, and I’m so thankful that I was brave enough to take that step. I no longer suffered in silence. I got the assistance that I needed. I’m sure some of you will read this and write me off as “crazy”…that’s cool. I understand your thought process, so no harm, no foul. My prayer is that someone will read this, and reach out to SOMEONE to get the help you need. There is no strength in silence. When you speak of what you feel, you are empowered to fight! Please reach out to your Pastor, a community center, a support group….but do not suffer in silence.
From a girl who came undone, but found the strength to put the pieces back together……
Sunday, April 17, 2011
When Life Happens
When Life Happens
Hey Ya’ll! *Britney Spears Voice* LOL. It’s been a minute since I’ve written a blog. A lot is going on right now. Life is definitely happening for me. I’m not sure what the end result will be, but I do know that once again, I’m being transformed into a different person. I’m being grown and my skin is shedding. For a person who gets very comfortable in who she is, this is a very, very scary time for me. I’m not a person who has a lot of fear, but when things become topsy turvy in my life, and I don’t know where I’m going or how I’m getting there, I’m scared as hell!
Outside of trying to embark on a new journey career-wise and life wise, God is teaching me a lot about whom I depend on in times of trouble and need. Of course we all like to say that we seek God first, and for some of us, that’s true, but it’s also great to have a set of sister-friends or homeboys that you can vent to, cry to, serve, and be served. I’m a very giving person by nature…in fact, my entire family is that way. We are very self-less, and where there is a need, we strive to meet that need…now you might get cussed out depending on the situation, but hey, at least the need was met. LOL. The problem is that when you have a heart to give, and do so freely, you can end up very vulnerable to those that don’t have that same spirit. Everyone is not the same, and God created us that way intentionally, however, he also created the Body of Christ so that we could be of service and be served by each other. In other words, this walk ain’t a one-way street…to whom much is given, much is required. I have to admit that I’m struggling with that right now. Some of the people that I expected to be in my corner and cheering me on, have become a bit silent, and those that I never dreamed to be compassionate have knocked me on my feet. I was blown away when a proclaimed non-believer of Christ showed me incredible, God-like compassion while I was “goin thru”. I battled with that…because although I know that God is amazing and can do works in so many ways, but at the same time, what was going on with the folks around me who were believers and who KNOW what I’m trying to do? Why did I feel so disconnected from them? Of course I know that they love me, but I felt like they really didn’t understand my place in life. It’s difficult to be in relationship with someone, and not understand each other’s needs. Regardless of the type of relationship, one should never take for granted that they “know” what the other person needs, is going through, or needs to let go of.
Because I trust my Pastor completely, I had a discussion with him about everything that’s going on in my life, and how overwhelmed I was feeling. He was able to get me to understand that my issues weren’t with the actual situations that I was facing, but the hurt I was feeling by the people I held close to my heart. Their response (or lack thereof) was the most difficult part to get over. Mainly because there is never a time when someone has to ASK me for anything. If I know that you need something, and I have the ability to meet that need, then I will. That is my nature. While I understand that is MY nature, I’ve learned that at times, I require reciprocity. I need someone to hear my cry and wipe the tears. I don’t expect someone to be or do as I would, because we are all individuals, but when life happens, and the walls start to close in, you need a support system to not only pray for you, and with you, but to spring you into action. Sometimes you don’t need anything tangible, but just a clear head and a sound mind to direct your path. So for that, I’m eternally grateful.
And because I DO have those people in my life that challenge me, and help me spring into action, I’m able to see clearly…I’m able to see past the emotions I’m feeling, and actually get some stuff done. And to top it all off, I have some folks that have picked up the pom poms and are cheering me on to victory. None of this changes the fact that life is happening and it will continue to happen, but when you know where to go to get your head and heart right, life ain’t so bad after all……
Dedicated to Genese, Rachel, Danielle, & The Brown’s……
Hey Ya’ll! *Britney Spears Voice* LOL. It’s been a minute since I’ve written a blog. A lot is going on right now. Life is definitely happening for me. I’m not sure what the end result will be, but I do know that once again, I’m being transformed into a different person. I’m being grown and my skin is shedding. For a person who gets very comfortable in who she is, this is a very, very scary time for me. I’m not a person who has a lot of fear, but when things become topsy turvy in my life, and I don’t know where I’m going or how I’m getting there, I’m scared as hell!
Outside of trying to embark on a new journey career-wise and life wise, God is teaching me a lot about whom I depend on in times of trouble and need. Of course we all like to say that we seek God first, and for some of us, that’s true, but it’s also great to have a set of sister-friends or homeboys that you can vent to, cry to, serve, and be served. I’m a very giving person by nature…in fact, my entire family is that way. We are very self-less, and where there is a need, we strive to meet that need…now you might get cussed out depending on the situation, but hey, at least the need was met. LOL. The problem is that when you have a heart to give, and do so freely, you can end up very vulnerable to those that don’t have that same spirit. Everyone is not the same, and God created us that way intentionally, however, he also created the Body of Christ so that we could be of service and be served by each other. In other words, this walk ain’t a one-way street…to whom much is given, much is required. I have to admit that I’m struggling with that right now. Some of the people that I expected to be in my corner and cheering me on, have become a bit silent, and those that I never dreamed to be compassionate have knocked me on my feet. I was blown away when a proclaimed non-believer of Christ showed me incredible, God-like compassion while I was “goin thru”. I battled with that…because although I know that God is amazing and can do works in so many ways, but at the same time, what was going on with the folks around me who were believers and who KNOW what I’m trying to do? Why did I feel so disconnected from them? Of course I know that they love me, but I felt like they really didn’t understand my place in life. It’s difficult to be in relationship with someone, and not understand each other’s needs. Regardless of the type of relationship, one should never take for granted that they “know” what the other person needs, is going through, or needs to let go of.
Because I trust my Pastor completely, I had a discussion with him about everything that’s going on in my life, and how overwhelmed I was feeling. He was able to get me to understand that my issues weren’t with the actual situations that I was facing, but the hurt I was feeling by the people I held close to my heart. Their response (or lack thereof) was the most difficult part to get over. Mainly because there is never a time when someone has to ASK me for anything. If I know that you need something, and I have the ability to meet that need, then I will. That is my nature. While I understand that is MY nature, I’ve learned that at times, I require reciprocity. I need someone to hear my cry and wipe the tears. I don’t expect someone to be or do as I would, because we are all individuals, but when life happens, and the walls start to close in, you need a support system to not only pray for you, and with you, but to spring you into action. Sometimes you don’t need anything tangible, but just a clear head and a sound mind to direct your path. So for that, I’m eternally grateful.
And because I DO have those people in my life that challenge me, and help me spring into action, I’m able to see clearly…I’m able to see past the emotions I’m feeling, and actually get some stuff done. And to top it all off, I have some folks that have picked up the pom poms and are cheering me on to victory. None of this changes the fact that life is happening and it will continue to happen, but when you know where to go to get your head and heart right, life ain’t so bad after all……
Dedicated to Genese, Rachel, Danielle, & The Brown’s……
Friday, March 4, 2011
HELL NAW I don't want to JUST Be Your Friend
Hell NAW, I don’t wanna JUST be your friend! I’ve found myself saying this more and more frequently. A friend of mine used to say this all the time about girls that put him in the “friend zone”, and I’d laugh. Now that I’m older, I realize he had the RIGHT IDEA. In theory, a man and woman meet, form a friendship or other bond, begin to date (court), marry, and live on. Well for me, I have an issue with the friendship part of that story. Yes, I have male friends, and I love and appreciate them dearly. But unless/until I’m married or boo’d up, there will be no more making of male friends for me. Especially if I’m attracted to you, and you are attracted to me. What’s the point exactly? Why are we in this “friendship” knowing that at any given moment, we will want to take it to the next level. Why not start at the next level? I think it’s a BAD IDEA to be friends with someone that you find attractive…because one day, when you least expect it, those feelings will come to the surface, and you might find yourself in a “My Best Friend’s Wedding” type situation…and you are NOT Cameron Diaz…you, my friend, are Julia Roberts.
On one of my recent excursions, my girl invited a guy she knew to come catch up…see her, and hang out. Well, I guess he figured he shouldn’t come alone, so he bought a friend. And friend was handsome! LOL. Just as southern and charming as he wanted to be. So I’m looking at him like, yeah, ok, I SEE YOU. LOL….so yeah, I was a wee bit impressed. During our initial conversation, we talked about the “Friendship”, and I point blank told him, “uh, I have no interest in being your friend!”. He was completely floored by that statement. Well, he proceeded to tell me about this “friend” of his that cooks and cleans at his house, prepares for company, etc. All the things a GIRLFRIEND OR WIFE does, yet she’s just a “friend”. CHILE PLEASE! I let him know quickly, boo, she may be your friend, but that’s not the title she’s after…she’s after YOU. He DID NOT believe me at ALL. So we set out to prove it. Yes, yes, a bit childish, but don’t you dare judge me! LOL. My girl and I met up with that same set of guys later on, and they brought the infamous “friend”, and let me tell you how miss hunny’s face was all the way TURNT UP when she saw us. Initially she was very warm and welcoming, almost like the lady of the house! But as the night went on, sistah girl CHANGED. It went from offering us sweet tea and food, to lookin us up and down, rolling of the eyes…and what not. All of this from a FRIEND….yeah RIGHT. After pointing all of this out, they STILL didn’t concede, but clearly my theory was RIGHT.
At 29, I’m looking to be found, not to be put in the friend zone. I have plenty of friends…great friends…guy friends…all types of friends. What I want is companionship….a marriage..a family. That doesn’t usually happen being just a “friend”. I don’t want to be JUST the chick to watch the game with, I want to be the one you go home to after the game ALSO. Mr. Southern & Charming let me know that a “friendship” is a must, before anything else, similar to what he had/has with Miss Face Turnt Up….and I’ve played that role, and crapped out. I can’t be the hopeful lady in waiting anymore. Hoping and praying that THIS time he will notice that I’m doing far more than I should, and it will hit him that I’m the one. In most cases, they knew from the beginning what your plans were, and played you like a good hand of spades. LOL. So yeah, I’m done with the friendship zone…friendship without the specific purpose of courting is #NoBueno. In the words of one of my favorite rappers, T.I., I’m STRAIGHT!
On one of my recent excursions, my girl invited a guy she knew to come catch up…see her, and hang out. Well, I guess he figured he shouldn’t come alone, so he bought a friend. And friend was handsome! LOL. Just as southern and charming as he wanted to be. So I’m looking at him like, yeah, ok, I SEE YOU. LOL….so yeah, I was a wee bit impressed. During our initial conversation, we talked about the “Friendship”, and I point blank told him, “uh, I have no interest in being your friend!”. He was completely floored by that statement. Well, he proceeded to tell me about this “friend” of his that cooks and cleans at his house, prepares for company, etc. All the things a GIRLFRIEND OR WIFE does, yet she’s just a “friend”. CHILE PLEASE! I let him know quickly, boo, she may be your friend, but that’s not the title she’s after…she’s after YOU. He DID NOT believe me at ALL. So we set out to prove it. Yes, yes, a bit childish, but don’t you dare judge me! LOL. My girl and I met up with that same set of guys later on, and they brought the infamous “friend”, and let me tell you how miss hunny’s face was all the way TURNT UP when she saw us. Initially she was very warm and welcoming, almost like the lady of the house! But as the night went on, sistah girl CHANGED. It went from offering us sweet tea and food, to lookin us up and down, rolling of the eyes…and what not. All of this from a FRIEND….yeah RIGHT. After pointing all of this out, they STILL didn’t concede, but clearly my theory was RIGHT.
At 29, I’m looking to be found, not to be put in the friend zone. I have plenty of friends…great friends…guy friends…all types of friends. What I want is companionship….a marriage..a family. That doesn’t usually happen being just a “friend”. I don’t want to be JUST the chick to watch the game with, I want to be the one you go home to after the game ALSO. Mr. Southern & Charming let me know that a “friendship” is a must, before anything else, similar to what he had/has with Miss Face Turnt Up….and I’ve played that role, and crapped out. I can’t be the hopeful lady in waiting anymore. Hoping and praying that THIS time he will notice that I’m doing far more than I should, and it will hit him that I’m the one. In most cases, they knew from the beginning what your plans were, and played you like a good hand of spades. LOL. So yeah, I’m done with the friendship zone…friendship without the specific purpose of courting is #NoBueno. In the words of one of my favorite rappers, T.I., I’m STRAIGHT!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Because It's Carn-i-val Tiiiiimmmeee...Everybody's havin FUN!
BECAUSE IT’S CARNIVAL TIME….EVERY-BODY’S HAVIN’ FUN!!!
Greetings ya’ll from my hometown of New Orleans, LA. Coincidentally, I’m here during one of the MOST festive times for the city….Mardi Gras. (pronounced Mah-dee Gras by the natives..LOL). This is NOT just another party or another festival for my city, this is a way of life. This is a time when we are most festive, most care-free, and probably the drunkest you will ever be in your life! LOL. Contrary to popular opinion, Mardi Gras is a SEASON, not just one day of fun. Depending on when Easter is (that determines Mardi Gras. Count 41 days from Good Friday, and you can calculate Mardi Gras…more on that later). If Easter is “early”, meaning March, then Mardi Gras will be early, and the season will start early, probably the end of January. There are several parades that roll each season, and each Krewe (yes, I spelled that correctly) has their own way, shape, and form about them. These Krewe’s are usually social and pleasure clubs, or organizations that work year ‘round on their floats, decorations, and outfits for the season.
Mardi Gras is not just for the party-goes alike, there are also very classy balls, crownings, and corornations that go on during the season. The more well-known Krewe’s (Bachus, Zulu, Rex, Endymion) have balls each season where they name their royal court. The Zulu Social and Pleasure Club (founded in 1909) is the oldest, African-American Krewe in the city. From politicians to blue-collar workers, the Krewe of Zulu knows how to bring love and joy into the city. Every year, on the Friday before Mardi Gras, Zulu hosts their famous Zulu Ball. The ball is a celebration of all the hard work done in the year leading up to Mardi Gras, as well as to introduce King & Queen Zulu. Traditionally, the king is a seasoned member of the club, and his daughter or granddaughter will be named Queen. There are also Princesses for the royal court Now this is NOT your ordinary ball with nasty food and boring entertainment. Each year, the excitement about the Zulu Ball is who will be the main performer. This year, Frankie Beverly & Maze will grace the stage! (*Insert faint for me…..LOVE THEM*). In years passed, Keith Sweat, Mystikal, and others have graced the stage. The party starts at 6pm, and ends at 3am…yes, you read that correctly. And please don’t think this ball is not free of dress code. It would be in your best interest to adhere to the strict dress code of tuxedos and floor-length ball gowns, lest you be turned away!!!! By far, the most grand ceremony for Rex and Zulu is the recognition by the city. Every Lundi Gras (Fat Monday), the mayor of New Orleans will Toast to Rex & his Queen, as well as King & Queen Zulu. This tradition is the official kick-off to Mardi Gras…it’s the Mayor’s way of saying, “Let the party BEGIN”.
I can’t say enough about how the culture of my city is fixated and formulated by Mardi Gras. The French brought us this great celebration, as they did with other parts of their culture, and we’ve been going ever since. Traditionally, New Orleans has a very high Catholic population. During Lenten season, a period of sacrifice is observed. You are encouraged to do without something you would normally incorporate in your life as a sacrifice to become closer to God. While many people did and still do participate in “Lent”, there were those that wanted “one last party” before giving everything up, thus Mardi Gras is born! LOL. Ash Wednesday follows Mardi Gras so that you may repent for your sins, and start anew. The literally translation of Mardi Gras is Fat Tuesday, meaning over-indulgence, and let me tell you, they do NOT skip out on the “over” or the “indulgence”. If you’ve never experienced a Mardi Gras in New Orleans, then I HIGHLY recommend you visit and observe. Go to the parades, catch beads and what-nots, shout “Throw me sumn Mista!” (just as I typed it…they won’t understand you if your all proper! LOL). Hang out with the Mardi Gras Indians (as seen on “Treme”) and appreciate their hand-sewn costumes…tell the King “Oooh King, you so pretty” to get a good photo with him! Ask somebody about Mardi Gras under the bridge, and they will show you where the real parties are! On Mardi Gras day, you and your family have to get a “spot” along a parade route, to see Rex and Zulu run, and to get on the grill, or break-out the pre-ordered Popeyes fried chicken (yes, they take pre-orders for Mardi Gras), or the boiled crawfish….and lest we mention the spirits! But beware….there is NO PLACE TO PEE ON MARDI GRAS DAY! LOL. The businesses that are open DO NOT allow you to just potty….you must be a patron….which causes for lots of “accidently on purpose peeing on the street”, but hey, it’s Mardi Gras day…..let the good times roll!
For your listening and viewing pleasure:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nCJIlOOg9Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wNSHPQj0W8&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axNmY5nnmjA
Greetings ya’ll from my hometown of New Orleans, LA. Coincidentally, I’m here during one of the MOST festive times for the city….Mardi Gras. (pronounced Mah-dee Gras by the natives..LOL). This is NOT just another party or another festival for my city, this is a way of life. This is a time when we are most festive, most care-free, and probably the drunkest you will ever be in your life! LOL. Contrary to popular opinion, Mardi Gras is a SEASON, not just one day of fun. Depending on when Easter is (that determines Mardi Gras. Count 41 days from Good Friday, and you can calculate Mardi Gras…more on that later). If Easter is “early”, meaning March, then Mardi Gras will be early, and the season will start early, probably the end of January. There are several parades that roll each season, and each Krewe (yes, I spelled that correctly) has their own way, shape, and form about them. These Krewe’s are usually social and pleasure clubs, or organizations that work year ‘round on their floats, decorations, and outfits for the season.
Mardi Gras is not just for the party-goes alike, there are also very classy balls, crownings, and corornations that go on during the season. The more well-known Krewe’s (Bachus, Zulu, Rex, Endymion) have balls each season where they name their royal court. The Zulu Social and Pleasure Club (founded in 1909) is the oldest, African-American Krewe in the city. From politicians to blue-collar workers, the Krewe of Zulu knows how to bring love and joy into the city. Every year, on the Friday before Mardi Gras, Zulu hosts their famous Zulu Ball. The ball is a celebration of all the hard work done in the year leading up to Mardi Gras, as well as to introduce King & Queen Zulu. Traditionally, the king is a seasoned member of the club, and his daughter or granddaughter will be named Queen. There are also Princesses for the royal court Now this is NOT your ordinary ball with nasty food and boring entertainment. Each year, the excitement about the Zulu Ball is who will be the main performer. This year, Frankie Beverly & Maze will grace the stage! (*Insert faint for me…..LOVE THEM*). In years passed, Keith Sweat, Mystikal, and others have graced the stage. The party starts at 6pm, and ends at 3am…yes, you read that correctly. And please don’t think this ball is not free of dress code. It would be in your best interest to adhere to the strict dress code of tuxedos and floor-length ball gowns, lest you be turned away!!!! By far, the most grand ceremony for Rex and Zulu is the recognition by the city. Every Lundi Gras (Fat Monday), the mayor of New Orleans will Toast to Rex & his Queen, as well as King & Queen Zulu. This tradition is the official kick-off to Mardi Gras…it’s the Mayor’s way of saying, “Let the party BEGIN”.
I can’t say enough about how the culture of my city is fixated and formulated by Mardi Gras. The French brought us this great celebration, as they did with other parts of their culture, and we’ve been going ever since. Traditionally, New Orleans has a very high Catholic population. During Lenten season, a period of sacrifice is observed. You are encouraged to do without something you would normally incorporate in your life as a sacrifice to become closer to God. While many people did and still do participate in “Lent”, there were those that wanted “one last party” before giving everything up, thus Mardi Gras is born! LOL. Ash Wednesday follows Mardi Gras so that you may repent for your sins, and start anew. The literally translation of Mardi Gras is Fat Tuesday, meaning over-indulgence, and let me tell you, they do NOT skip out on the “over” or the “indulgence”. If you’ve never experienced a Mardi Gras in New Orleans, then I HIGHLY recommend you visit and observe. Go to the parades, catch beads and what-nots, shout “Throw me sumn Mista!” (just as I typed it…they won’t understand you if your all proper! LOL). Hang out with the Mardi Gras Indians (as seen on “Treme”) and appreciate their hand-sewn costumes…tell the King “Oooh King, you so pretty” to get a good photo with him! Ask somebody about Mardi Gras under the bridge, and they will show you where the real parties are! On Mardi Gras day, you and your family have to get a “spot” along a parade route, to see Rex and Zulu run, and to get on the grill, or break-out the pre-ordered Popeyes fried chicken (yes, they take pre-orders for Mardi Gras), or the boiled crawfish….and lest we mention the spirits! But beware….there is NO PLACE TO PEE ON MARDI GRAS DAY! LOL. The businesses that are open DO NOT allow you to just potty….you must be a patron….which causes for lots of “accidently on purpose peeing on the street”, but hey, it’s Mardi Gras day…..let the good times roll!
For your listening and viewing pleasure:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nCJIlOOg9Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wNSHPQj0W8&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axNmY5nnmjA
Saturday, January 29, 2011
21 Days of CHANGE
I’m back at it again…I really love that I’m being faithful to my blog. Last year, I treated this blog as the “side piece”, only coming to it when everything else failed…this year, I’m determined to make it my one and only! LOL. I’m on the heels of a 21 Day Financial Fast with my church family. Every year in January, we embark on some sort of fast to help us grow spiritually. We’ve done traditional fasts where we don’t eat food from 6am-6pm, media fasts (yes, media…ALL MEDIA not work related…thank goodness I didn’t have FB or Twitter then…I would have #FAILED..LOL), and finally, the Financial Fast. Initially, I really didn’t pay much attention to the Fast because I had a lot of things going on. It was in the back of my mind, and I knew we would eventually start, but it wasn’t a priority of mine. All I knew was that I had to shop till I dropped before January 9. LOL. After that, all bets were off. The details of the fast were:
1. Only necessary purchases can be made (meaning if you won’t die without purchasing, it’s a NO!)
2. CASH ONLY…yep, that’s right..no credit card, no debt cards, just good ol’ cash
3. Read and journal daily about the devotional readings throughout the book.
For those of you that know me personally, you know that I have a strong liking to eBay and Amazon (you say addiction, I say “strong liking”..LOL). I am a sucker for a good deal. I RARELY purchase things at the retail price, and if I do, you can bet that it’s a WONDERFUL deal, or it’s super last minute and I didn’t plan properly. I’m not ashamed AT ALL to admit that some of the best purchases that I’ve made for myself and others have come off the ‘net. Someone else’s “stuff” is always my treasure. I love the fact that I can also be “wise” (or so I thought) with my money by saving on purchases I made. So in my head, if I’m being wise about the purchases that I make, spending less than what the item is really worth, and STILL getting great quality, then I’m WINNING right? I’ll take “wrong as hell for $200, Alex!”
As an aide to the 21 Day Fast, our pastor introduced us to “The Power to Prosper, 21 Days to Financial Freedom” by Michelle Singletary. He is an avid reader, so we always have reference points, books, and articles to help us along. As a good steward, I purchased the book, and dove right into this fast. And then, like a thief in the night, I was slapped upside the head with conviction, sadness, and defeat. I realized very early on in the book that the way I lived and treated my finances were the complete OPPOSITE of everything God said about money. Traditionally, I tithed, gave my offerings, and even contributed to our “Bridging The Gap” campaign to enlarge our ministry. But I still had the wrong ideas about money. I treated money as if it was entitled to me…something that I was always supposed to have because I work everyday and DESERVE it. I understood that God was my ultimate provider, but I didn’t treat him that way with my money. God was not first on the list if I got extra money, or if I got a bonus. I infamously made lists of things to purchase or pay off from the last purchase, and God never quite made the list.
As I continued through the book, I realized that a lot of the trials and tribulations that I encountered prior to the fast were direct reflections of my views. God tells us that if we are not faithful over little, we cannot be faithful over much. In other words, why would God bless you financially, with an increase, if you can’t manage what you have currently? DEEP, I KNOW! The other realization I came to was that I was obsessively spoiled as a child. We were by no means rich, but there was very little that I “wanted” for. What I did want for was as a result of my mother just saying “no, you don’t need that”. Otherwise, it was mine for the taking. My grandfather made it his business for me to always feel like his baby girl…his princess. I had all the love that 10 little girls could stand…and the toys too! LOL. As an adult, I realize how much that affected my mentality. In my mind, there was NO LIMIT to the things I could obtain. As long as my bills were paid, and there was a positive balance in my checking account, WHY NOT? This fast helped me understand that I had a mentality of entitlement and excess….MORE, MORE, MORE. I never really knew how I got the things that I got (of course I knew SOMEBODY paid for them, but I didn’t know to what extent they went to secure that purchase), and I never really bothered to find out. Make no mistake, I don’t fault my family AT ALL for how I was raised…they did a wonderful job. All they wanted for me was more than they had for themselves, and I applaud their efforts.
After crying out to God for forgiveness, and asking for a clean heart and a right spirit, I knew I could no longer live the same way. I could not continue to treat money as if it would last forever, and I HAD to make God my 1st priority in everything and in every way. I asked God to show me myself, and to rid me of what needed to go! This is HARD, I will not lie, but it is so rewarding. I am seeing how God works when you are obedient. Because I am denying MYSELF, and following HIM, I am being blessed abundantly. The blessings are coming in all shapes and sizes, yet I recognize them because I’m more in synch with what I’m SUPPOSED to be doing.
So am I forever cured? I’m not sure. Will I continue to purchase on eBay? Absolutely. But now, I examine these purchases thoroughly, and SAVE for what I want. No more impulse purchases (as of now), and no more shopping out of boredom. What I can say is that I’m a work in progress…
1. Only necessary purchases can be made (meaning if you won’t die without purchasing, it’s a NO!)
2. CASH ONLY…yep, that’s right..no credit card, no debt cards, just good ol’ cash
3. Read and journal daily about the devotional readings throughout the book.
For those of you that know me personally, you know that I have a strong liking to eBay and Amazon (you say addiction, I say “strong liking”..LOL). I am a sucker for a good deal. I RARELY purchase things at the retail price, and if I do, you can bet that it’s a WONDERFUL deal, or it’s super last minute and I didn’t plan properly. I’m not ashamed AT ALL to admit that some of the best purchases that I’ve made for myself and others have come off the ‘net. Someone else’s “stuff” is always my treasure. I love the fact that I can also be “wise” (or so I thought) with my money by saving on purchases I made. So in my head, if I’m being wise about the purchases that I make, spending less than what the item is really worth, and STILL getting great quality, then I’m WINNING right? I’ll take “wrong as hell for $200, Alex!”
As an aide to the 21 Day Fast, our pastor introduced us to “The Power to Prosper, 21 Days to Financial Freedom” by Michelle Singletary. He is an avid reader, so we always have reference points, books, and articles to help us along. As a good steward, I purchased the book, and dove right into this fast. And then, like a thief in the night, I was slapped upside the head with conviction, sadness, and defeat. I realized very early on in the book that the way I lived and treated my finances were the complete OPPOSITE of everything God said about money. Traditionally, I tithed, gave my offerings, and even contributed to our “Bridging The Gap” campaign to enlarge our ministry. But I still had the wrong ideas about money. I treated money as if it was entitled to me…something that I was always supposed to have because I work everyday and DESERVE it. I understood that God was my ultimate provider, but I didn’t treat him that way with my money. God was not first on the list if I got extra money, or if I got a bonus. I infamously made lists of things to purchase or pay off from the last purchase, and God never quite made the list.
As I continued through the book, I realized that a lot of the trials and tribulations that I encountered prior to the fast were direct reflections of my views. God tells us that if we are not faithful over little, we cannot be faithful over much. In other words, why would God bless you financially, with an increase, if you can’t manage what you have currently? DEEP, I KNOW! The other realization I came to was that I was obsessively spoiled as a child. We were by no means rich, but there was very little that I “wanted” for. What I did want for was as a result of my mother just saying “no, you don’t need that”. Otherwise, it was mine for the taking. My grandfather made it his business for me to always feel like his baby girl…his princess. I had all the love that 10 little girls could stand…and the toys too! LOL. As an adult, I realize how much that affected my mentality. In my mind, there was NO LIMIT to the things I could obtain. As long as my bills were paid, and there was a positive balance in my checking account, WHY NOT? This fast helped me understand that I had a mentality of entitlement and excess….MORE, MORE, MORE. I never really knew how I got the things that I got (of course I knew SOMEBODY paid for them, but I didn’t know to what extent they went to secure that purchase), and I never really bothered to find out. Make no mistake, I don’t fault my family AT ALL for how I was raised…they did a wonderful job. All they wanted for me was more than they had for themselves, and I applaud their efforts.
After crying out to God for forgiveness, and asking for a clean heart and a right spirit, I knew I could no longer live the same way. I could not continue to treat money as if it would last forever, and I HAD to make God my 1st priority in everything and in every way. I asked God to show me myself, and to rid me of what needed to go! This is HARD, I will not lie, but it is so rewarding. I am seeing how God works when you are obedient. Because I am denying MYSELF, and following HIM, I am being blessed abundantly. The blessings are coming in all shapes and sizes, yet I recognize them because I’m more in synch with what I’m SUPPOSED to be doing.
So am I forever cured? I’m not sure. Will I continue to purchase on eBay? Absolutely. But now, I examine these purchases thoroughly, and SAVE for what I want. No more impulse purchases (as of now), and no more shopping out of boredom. What I can say is that I’m a work in progress…
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Let It GO
Well it’s about that time again….time for a new blog entry. Anyone with access to blogs or social media has been exposed to the latest “Revenge Fest” going on by wives/ex-wives of athletes, entertainers, and celebrities. So at first glance, I’m like ok, cool….you reap what you sow. So if at some point in your relationship, you broke your vows, or you betrayed your partner, or even led them astray, then this is only getting that same crop. But then, as with all things social media, there began to be an extreme emphasis on bringing the spouse or ex DOWN…not just with putting them “on blast” in an interview or two…but now we are going to court and suing folks, making videos and uploading them onto the WORLD WIDE WEB. Both examples are open and available for public viewing, indefinitely, so basically, what you say today, lasts forever. Please do not get me wrong, or misunderstand, I have been HURT, disappointed, deceived, led astray, and out right LIED TO. BUT, in all of that, and in all of my anger, the thought of causing that person pain (in whatever form), didn’t make me feel better…not permanently. Sure, the thought of making them feel the pain I’m feeling SOUNDS appealing, but here’s the catch: We are all individuals, and we all react differently. So your BEST laid plans to make them miserable, can be used to BETTER the person you are trying to destroy.
I learned the biggest and best lesson about “Letting GO” from my mother. My mother experienced the worst pain a young woman in love could possible experience. She fell in love with a man that loved her selfishly. So while my mother was taking care of her new child, and preparing for marriage, her fiance’ was starting a new life with another woman. So she has a child with this man, loves this man, wants this man, and yet, he walks away. I don’t exactly know what her reactions were (I was 10 mos old), but I don’t ever remember her being angry. Anyone that knew my mother knew that she had the sweetest spirit. Yes she was upset, and yes she no longer trusted him, but what she DID NOT do, was allow his actions to control her emotions and reaction. I’m sure there were many nights that she cried herself to sleep over the things he’d done to her, but that was between her and God. What I respect most about my mother is the way she handled adversity. She never allowed people to get into her spirit and distract her from what was important to her. (If I could get about 5% of that, I’d be AWESOME…lol). I wish I could share this lesson to some of the women that are in the media, obsessed (yes, that’s the word…not angry or “scorned”) with their exes. I just want to tell them to go to God with their worries and issues, and leave them there. Of course I’m single as the day is long, and there will be people that say I’m not qualified to speak on the covenant of marriage…and that may be true. But what I am, and do have, is experience with life and anger. No matter what form, pissed off is pissed off….and we all have to learn how to handle and control our emotions.
What bothers me most is the level that some of the ladies are descending to in order to “prove” that there ex is no good. Ok, and then what? There’s a good chance that everyone knew that BUT YOU. Or maybe you knew, and took those vows anyway….so where is your responsibility in that? Either way, what does that do for you? Once it’s out, and once you give the SAME interview 50-11 times, then what? Do you feel better because of the names you called him, or does that hole in your heart still ache? Do you really feel pity on the “new wife”, or do you envy her? I just don’t understand. Because if I’m truly upset with someone, why would I give them free publicity? What I’m trying to say ladies, is we are the matriarchs of our family….we are the first teachers to our children…we MUST show them that despite what happens to us, we can always choose to RISE ABOVE. Of course I’m not saying that ANY type of abuse should be tolerated, but what I am saying is that we can choose how to deal with these situations. We can be examples of God’s teachings on adversity. One thing we are promised is trials and tribulations….you can’t spend your life fighting battles that do not belong to you. LET IT GO….
I learned the biggest and best lesson about “Letting GO” from my mother. My mother experienced the worst pain a young woman in love could possible experience. She fell in love with a man that loved her selfishly. So while my mother was taking care of her new child, and preparing for marriage, her fiance’ was starting a new life with another woman. So she has a child with this man, loves this man, wants this man, and yet, he walks away. I don’t exactly know what her reactions were (I was 10 mos old), but I don’t ever remember her being angry. Anyone that knew my mother knew that she had the sweetest spirit. Yes she was upset, and yes she no longer trusted him, but what she DID NOT do, was allow his actions to control her emotions and reaction. I’m sure there were many nights that she cried herself to sleep over the things he’d done to her, but that was between her and God. What I respect most about my mother is the way she handled adversity. She never allowed people to get into her spirit and distract her from what was important to her. (If I could get about 5% of that, I’d be AWESOME…lol). I wish I could share this lesson to some of the women that are in the media, obsessed (yes, that’s the word…not angry or “scorned”) with their exes. I just want to tell them to go to God with their worries and issues, and leave them there. Of course I’m single as the day is long, and there will be people that say I’m not qualified to speak on the covenant of marriage…and that may be true. But what I am, and do have, is experience with life and anger. No matter what form, pissed off is pissed off….and we all have to learn how to handle and control our emotions.
What bothers me most is the level that some of the ladies are descending to in order to “prove” that there ex is no good. Ok, and then what? There’s a good chance that everyone knew that BUT YOU. Or maybe you knew, and took those vows anyway….so where is your responsibility in that? Either way, what does that do for you? Once it’s out, and once you give the SAME interview 50-11 times, then what? Do you feel better because of the names you called him, or does that hole in your heart still ache? Do you really feel pity on the “new wife”, or do you envy her? I just don’t understand. Because if I’m truly upset with someone, why would I give them free publicity? What I’m trying to say ladies, is we are the matriarchs of our family….we are the first teachers to our children…we MUST show them that despite what happens to us, we can always choose to RISE ABOVE. Of course I’m not saying that ANY type of abuse should be tolerated, but what I am saying is that we can choose how to deal with these situations. We can be examples of God’s teachings on adversity. One thing we are promised is trials and tribulations….you can’t spend your life fighting battles that do not belong to you. LET IT GO….
Saturday, January 8, 2011
The LAST Year of My 20s
Well I’m back again…back on my grind with the blog. I’m really proud that I have a rhythm back. When you really enjoy doing something, and it actually HELPS your progress, it makes you feel amazing to be on your ish! LOL
As most of you know, I’m approaching 29! I can’t even believe that I typed that, much less will be experiencing it in 14 days!! I used to think 25 was old, and now, I don’t even remember what I did at 25! LOL. I’ve promised myself that this year, the last year of my 20s, will be EPIC. I want to do things that will be memorable for a lifetime, pray like I’ve never prayed before, and be the best ME I can be. I don’t want to spend this last year of my 20s filled with “shoulda coulda woulda.” I want to make this one count…not that I haven’t tried to do this in past years, but I figured out what was really holding me back….M-E. I have been holding myself back from actually experiencing life for a long time now. Unlike most people, I know exactly the date and time that I stopped living my life…April 4, 2008, 9:49am. That’s the day that Miss Faye (the best damn mother this side of creation) went to be with God. On that day, my life stopped being important. Of course I wanted to continue living, but I misplaced the word “living” for simply existing. Every day that I could wake up, get out of the bed, and complete tasks without a complete emotional breakdown was a day well lived. Happiness was misplaced with complacency, and my joy was gone. As each day pressed forward, I was able to begin to put the pieces back together, and there were times where I laughed, and FELT happy, but I looking back on those years, I held back. I held back on life because I didn’t want to be TOO happy, because my best friend wasn’t here (physically) to enjoy my happiness with me. I didn’t want to rock the boat too much and actively pursue my joy, because who would tell me “You are my favorite daughter, I love you so much?” I needed to hear that, because that is what made me want MORE. If I’m honest with myself, I STILL need to hear that. But now, I understand that I can STILL hear that…from my HEAVENLY FATHER. I serve a God that has comforted me, wiped my tears, soothed my ailments, disciplined me when I was wrong, and most importantly, called me HIS OWN. (Excuse me while I shout)
So it’s time for me to start LIVING again. I have to live so that I can do and be what is laid out for me. I have to live this year like no other, because I’ve been blessed abundantly. I have to take this final year of my 20s as a time to recount every lesson I learned, every time I repeated that lesson, and each time I forgot what I learned the first time. No, I don’t want perfection, but I do want to be better than I was before. This final year of my 20s is going to be the year that I discover what I should have been doing!
On my short list of things for this last year:
• Move to a new city (see my previous blog)
• Go back to NYC (Me and Mom’s favorite city to visit)
• Become a red-head (or some variation thereof…..blonde is fun, let’s see what red will be like)
• LIVE
As most of you know, I’m approaching 29! I can’t even believe that I typed that, much less will be experiencing it in 14 days!! I used to think 25 was old, and now, I don’t even remember what I did at 25! LOL. I’ve promised myself that this year, the last year of my 20s, will be EPIC. I want to do things that will be memorable for a lifetime, pray like I’ve never prayed before, and be the best ME I can be. I don’t want to spend this last year of my 20s filled with “shoulda coulda woulda.” I want to make this one count…not that I haven’t tried to do this in past years, but I figured out what was really holding me back….M-E. I have been holding myself back from actually experiencing life for a long time now. Unlike most people, I know exactly the date and time that I stopped living my life…April 4, 2008, 9:49am. That’s the day that Miss Faye (the best damn mother this side of creation) went to be with God. On that day, my life stopped being important. Of course I wanted to continue living, but I misplaced the word “living” for simply existing. Every day that I could wake up, get out of the bed, and complete tasks without a complete emotional breakdown was a day well lived. Happiness was misplaced with complacency, and my joy was gone. As each day pressed forward, I was able to begin to put the pieces back together, and there were times where I laughed, and FELT happy, but I looking back on those years, I held back. I held back on life because I didn’t want to be TOO happy, because my best friend wasn’t here (physically) to enjoy my happiness with me. I didn’t want to rock the boat too much and actively pursue my joy, because who would tell me “You are my favorite daughter, I love you so much?” I needed to hear that, because that is what made me want MORE. If I’m honest with myself, I STILL need to hear that. But now, I understand that I can STILL hear that…from my HEAVENLY FATHER. I serve a God that has comforted me, wiped my tears, soothed my ailments, disciplined me when I was wrong, and most importantly, called me HIS OWN. (Excuse me while I shout)
So it’s time for me to start LIVING again. I have to live so that I can do and be what is laid out for me. I have to live this year like no other, because I’ve been blessed abundantly. I have to take this final year of my 20s as a time to recount every lesson I learned, every time I repeated that lesson, and each time I forgot what I learned the first time. No, I don’t want perfection, but I do want to be better than I was before. This final year of my 20s is going to be the year that I discover what I should have been doing!
On my short list of things for this last year:
• Move to a new city (see my previous blog)
• Go back to NYC (Me and Mom’s favorite city to visit)
• Become a red-head (or some variation thereof…..blonde is fun, let’s see what red will be like)
• LIVE
Monday, January 3, 2011
It's What I Signed Up For
I've always wondered why the life of a Christian seemed so "hard." As a child, it seemed that all the kids that DIDN'T listen to their parents and did whatever they wanted, got whatever they wanted. Meanwhile, I was scared to go home with a "C" because Faye and Jeffrie were my parents…'nuff said! When I got older, things seemed to stay the same…good people suffered, and those that weren't necessarily "good", got what they wanted. For a long time, I questioned God about that. What was the point of living a life of good, and do His works if we were just going to catch hell? I mean, really? I'm going to deny myself, and take up my cross, AND still not get a reward? God had some explaining to do…
I was watching something on TV, and Kirk Franklin was featured. He was speaking to a group of young men about living the life God wants for them, and one of them asked why it was so hard? Kirk's response was simple, but so profound, it's stayed with me …"It's what you signed up for". I could have been knocked over by a feather! When I pledged my life to God, and received salvation, I signed up for life filled with trials and tribulations. If you look at Christ's life, it was filled with that very thing…he was not believed to be the Messiah, his own disciples had issues with disbelief, and then, to top it all off, he was crucified on false accusations. Although we may not go through those exact situations, and we may not be physically killed, our spirits are wounded all the time! We are lied on, mistreated, criticized, lied to, unappreciated, deceived, tested, tried, and broken…..but it's at that moment…the moment of utter broken-ness that God can most effectively use us. The trials come so that we can see God's work through us, and then so we can show off his work to others….that's a lot to take in. Sometimes we don't even "go thru" for our own blessings or upliftment. Sometimes we are put to the test so that someone near us can be blessed and edified by God's works. How selfless is that? In a society where self is number one, this is HARD to accept. My suffering MAY NOT be for me, but for my brother….chew on that one for a little while. I'm still chewing…..
What I've learned is that we can't adequately show God's favor over us, if we are never put to the test. If we never go through something, how can we brought out? How can we obtain spiritual maturity if we don't experience growing pains? Just like learning something new on your job, or taking up a new hobby, it's going to be frustrating, and sometimes difficult. We may even quit, and dismiss the whole idea, but nothing worth having comes easily or cheap. My relationship with God (JC to me) has been a battle, to say the least. But in that battle, God has done beautiful things for me, to me, and to those around me. I've been able to be a blessing to people, that otherwise may not have seen the love of JC. It has not always been comfortable, but I always find comfort in Him….he is my very best friend. And like real friends, I can tell him how I feel…I tell him what I like and don't like, what I'm struggling with, and even what I'm fearful of. And like a real friend, he listens to me, holds me, comforts me, chews me out, and sends me on my way, better than I started. I'm so thankful for my journey. As the old folks say "I wouldn't take NOTHIN' for my journey now!" God is still working on me, and I'm still working on how to be better for him. And when the storm comes (trust me, it will come), rest easily in him…not because you don't have to fight, but because you know you've already won! This is not an easy life….sometimes it's not fun, and I don't always like what I have to do…but it is what I signed up for.
I was watching something on TV, and Kirk Franklin was featured. He was speaking to a group of young men about living the life God wants for them, and one of them asked why it was so hard? Kirk's response was simple, but so profound, it's stayed with me …"It's what you signed up for". I could have been knocked over by a feather! When I pledged my life to God, and received salvation, I signed up for life filled with trials and tribulations. If you look at Christ's life, it was filled with that very thing…he was not believed to be the Messiah, his own disciples had issues with disbelief, and then, to top it all off, he was crucified on false accusations. Although we may not go through those exact situations, and we may not be physically killed, our spirits are wounded all the time! We are lied on, mistreated, criticized, lied to, unappreciated, deceived, tested, tried, and broken…..but it's at that moment…the moment of utter broken-ness that God can most effectively use us. The trials come so that we can see God's work through us, and then so we can show off his work to others….that's a lot to take in. Sometimes we don't even "go thru" for our own blessings or upliftment. Sometimes we are put to the test so that someone near us can be blessed and edified by God's works. How selfless is that? In a society where self is number one, this is HARD to accept. My suffering MAY NOT be for me, but for my brother….chew on that one for a little while. I'm still chewing…..
What I've learned is that we can't adequately show God's favor over us, if we are never put to the test. If we never go through something, how can we brought out? How can we obtain spiritual maturity if we don't experience growing pains? Just like learning something new on your job, or taking up a new hobby, it's going to be frustrating, and sometimes difficult. We may even quit, and dismiss the whole idea, but nothing worth having comes easily or cheap. My relationship with God (JC to me) has been a battle, to say the least. But in that battle, God has done beautiful things for me, to me, and to those around me. I've been able to be a blessing to people, that otherwise may not have seen the love of JC. It has not always been comfortable, but I always find comfort in Him….he is my very best friend. And like real friends, I can tell him how I feel…I tell him what I like and don't like, what I'm struggling with, and even what I'm fearful of. And like a real friend, he listens to me, holds me, comforts me, chews me out, and sends me on my way, better than I started. I'm so thankful for my journey. As the old folks say "I wouldn't take NOTHIN' for my journey now!" God is still working on me, and I'm still working on how to be better for him. And when the storm comes (trust me, it will come), rest easily in him…not because you don't have to fight, but because you know you've already won! This is not an easy life….sometimes it's not fun, and I don't always like what I have to do…but it is what I signed up for.
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