I'm Scared of Lonely

First, let me apologize for not blogging in such a LONG TIME. My faithful readers (the few that I have), actually missed me, and have said I need to get back on it. (Shout out to Lamarr for the “encouragement”…LOL) So here I am…back on it. LOL. I’ve been so busy, that I really haven’t had time to feel/see/observe too much, but what I have been able to take in, I will share with you all in my next 3 blogs. I hope you enjoy the journey….and if not, at least take what you did enjoy with you!

There’s a lot to be said about having a lot of things on your plate. Something is always going on, something is always due, and someone always needs you. But one thing is for sure, you can have all of those things, and still be lonely. I’ve been introduced to lonely for quiet some time now, and I am NOT pleased to make his acquaintance. (For whatever reason, my lonely is a he….maybe I’ll blog about that later.) Lonely came into my life about 6 mos ago, and try as I did, I could not get rid of him. And he shows up at the most unexpected times…..when I have 17 million things to do, my mind is lonely for companionship. When I have a weekend full of “fun stuff”, I’d rather be at home, “hair tied, chillin wit no make up on”, with my boo, and him telling me “You’re the best”. But that’s just the problem….there is no boo….like I said, not to thrilled about Lonely.

I’m scared of lonely. Yes, I’m using Beyonce’s lyric’s! The statement is so powerful, and so fitting. I’m scared of my current existence, mainly because there is no end in sight. I can’t figure out if this is the way it will always be, or if this is temporary. My faith teaches me that God will grant me the desires of my heart, as long as they align with His will. My question is, how do I know that God’s will for me is to NOT be single?”. And furthermore, am I ok with that? N-O! But the reality is, it’s very possible. The plan for me could begin and end with me…..and that scares me. I want a husband (God-sent, God fearing…etc….), children….I want all of those things. Those are the desires of my heart. But is that apart of the plan??? I keep telling myself that God’s will is what I want for my life, but that’s not exactly true, and it’s not false either. I want what God wants for me, to be what I want for me….if that makes any sense. But what I do know, is that it doesn’t always work out that way. What if God says that I’m better off serving him as a single woman, than married? What happens to my desires for marriage and children? And what if I opt to do something about it……? Is it ok for me to have a back-up plan? If I can’t get the husband, can I at least get the children?? Is that selfish of me to want to bring a child/children into the world where there is only one permanent parent in the home? I was raised by a single parent (most of my life), and she did a helluva job!

So yeah, I’ve been getting to know lonely for a while now. And he doesn’t show up until Friday night, about 8pm, when all the homies have something else to do (and since most of my friends are married, they are doing married ppl stuff). Sometimes, I can give lonely a good fight, and still have some peace about the situation, and then other times, I succumb….to the fear, the anxiety, the worry of it all……I’m scared of lonely ya’ll….