I’m writing this blog because once again, grief has knocked me completely down. It’s been 1 year, 7 months, and 6 days since I lost the most precious and wonderful gift I could ever receive….my mother. As I sit here, I’m so overwhelmed by what I’ve gone through and what’s to come. So many awesome memories of what we shared, yet so many memories that she will not be apart of. So, I took to the blogs to release….to let this out, and hopefully, to help someone that is grieving. Although the premise for my blog is about the loss of my mother, I truly believe that grief is stagnant….it does not change. I do not have a degree in Psychology or Psychiatry….this is just from my own personal experiences
Stage 1: “Am I Being Punked?”: I believe this is the stage of disbelief…that whatever you’ve lost or about to lose is not yet a reality for you. Although you know it’s very real, this is bigger than you could ever imagine, and you really don’t know what to do to make it better. It’s like you are waiting for a director to yell “Cut, take 10”….because surely this is a scripted version of your life and NOT the real thing!
Stage 2: “Nothing”: During this stage, I felt absolutely nothing…..there was no emotion there, I didn’t have thoughts, I didn’t have opinions, I simply existed. I had to be reminded to do simple things like eat, sleep, make arrangements to get home. I couldn’t even cry, because I was still holding on to the “Am I Being Punked” stage…so I didn’t want to cry, and then realize that it really was all a dream. “Nothing” is a very strange stage, because it’s like you are watching yourself from outside yourself.
Stage 3: “Auto-Pilot”: This is the pick-up-and-go/do stage for me. While I was planning my mother’s services, I just did what needed to be done….I had a list of things, and I did them, nothing more, nothing less. I was still at the ending of the “Nothing” phase, so that was my protection from losing my mind. I picked out her clothes, her jewelry, her casket, even how I wanted her hair….things that I look back on now and think “how in the world did you do that?”…..but it was easy, because I just set all my emotions on auto-pilot. Every time someone came up to me with tears in their eyes, I switched to “Auto-Pilot”, and said something polite or comforting to them! Imagine that….me, comforting my mother’s friends as they fall to pieces in my arms, and not shedding a tear. I made it through her services, her burial, and even her mourners….all because I didn’t absorb any of what was going on…..now yes, I did cry at the site of my mother in a coffin, because I knew she was truly gone. But honestly, there is very little I actually remember about that time. This stage lasted a long time…..I got through laying her to rest, and then went right into work. Luckily, my beloved Church and Sorority always has something going on, so I jumped in HEAD FIRST. My doctor gave me some time off because she was very concerned with my mental state……so I had nothing but time. I booked days and days of tasks…..I was NOT about to let this “grief” pull me down….no sir, not me……I was going to be FINE.
Stage 4: “The Breakdown”: What I didn’t know was that yes, I was going to be fine, until something snapped me out of “Auto-Pilot”. I remember the day perfectly. I was waiting and waiting to receive my mother’s death certificates, to finish the business end of her departure. (Side Note: There is SO MUCH PAPERWORK involved in death. How many times do you want me to write her birthday and the day of her death???? Really, it’s OOC….Out of Control! Somebody needs to regulate this!). And FINALLY, they came in the mail……and I took the package out of the mailbox….and I put it on the table….and I just looked at it. The contents of that package meant that the State of Louisiana was acknowledging that yes, Dwanna Faye Raney Jones of Kenner, Louisiana, had “expired” on April 4, 2008, 9:16am. I tried to open it, but it was too much…..I literally fell apart, right there in my living room. I cried, and cried, and cried, and cried. I cried for about 2 hours, non-stop. I called out for her, I begged God to bring her back, I pleaded with him to take it back…..but it was REAL. My mama was gone, and I wasn’t. My best friend, my biggest cheerleader, my comforter, my strength, was with God….yet I was here on earth…….
Stage 5: “The Blame Game”: So after I spent many, many days and nights crying myself in and out of sleep, I started replaying the conditions of my mother’s sickness that led to her death. “If only I’d been in Louisiana when she got sick, I would have forced her to go to the doctor SOONER”. “If she had come to Peoria earlier, I would have noticed something was wrong, and all of this could have been prevented”. The list went on and on about how I should have been a better daughter to her. I felt like I failed her…..all my life, she rescued me, she nursed me back to health, she prevented me from falling….and yet, when she needed me, I failed. I FAILED HER. This stage was very, very hard for me. By this time, this whole business of grief was too much! I needed to talk to someone. My Pastor encouraged me to get grief counseling, and I did. It was VERY HARD initially, but after a few sessions I was able to see things a lot clearer. The only thing I didn’t know was that I transferred the guilt and “blame” I had to my father……the one biological parent I have left. So, I blamed him. As crazy as it sounds, I blamed my earthly father and I blamed my Heavenly Father. I blamed my earthly father because I felt like it should have been him. Now I know how ugly and mean, and harsh that is, but that’s exactly how I felt. There is no love between us, no relationship, no bond. We share DNA, and features, but that’s it. So really, there wouldn’t be anything missing had he passed away, because there is nothing there to begin with. Then, to add insult to injury, I blamed my Heavenly Father because he took my Mama away….the one person who loved me and would cherish me, appreciate me, and left me with a “Father” who doesn’t even remember how old I am……so yeah, I was pissed off at both of them. But GOD…….the beauty about a relationship with God is that he knows your heart, and sees past all the anger and hurt, and shame…..and knows that you are hurting. Even in my darkest hour, and even in my blaming him for my hurt, God STILL wrapped me in his arms, and cared for me…….
Stage 6: “The New Normal”: So now that I’m not “Dwanna’s Daughter”, who am I? And if I can’t call her 3x’s a day and say “Girl, what are you doing?”, then what am I supposed to do? And if we can’t go to New York every year, then where will I go? And If she won’t be here to see me get married and have children, is it worth it anyway? These are all the questions I ask myself very often. It’s apart of figuring out how my “new” life will be. Because I firmly believe that once you experience loss of any kind, your are forever changed. I happened to LOVE the person I was before my mother’s illness and death, so this whole “change” thing DID NOT go over well. I was 24 years old, and just getting this “I’m Grown” thing down…..so I thought it was SO UNFAIR to hit me with all these LIFE LESSONS and SPIRITUAL GROWTHS SO SOON……couldn’t I take the remedial courses later? Like when I’m old and gray? I still struggle with this “new normal”…..I still have those “what if” questions…….for now, I believe this is never-ending phase….
Stage 7: “REALity”: So what’s real is that I miss my mama everyday. But everyday is not a “bad” day……I can finally listen to her favorite music and smile (Luther is playing right now on Pandora to give me the motivation to write this), I can still hear her voice. I dream about her very often….and the dreams are very VIVID. She is so happy in my dreams…..and she’s always telling me “Everything is ok”……but there are still some things that I can’t do. I cannot go to her burial site…..I cannot see her name, her birthday, and a “dash” with an ending year…..I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see that. It’s very hard for me to think about marriage and children, because these are the two things that my mother EXCELED at! She was the best wife and mother anyone could ask for. So part of me is excited to do these things, because my mama did them…..but the other part of me is so scared because she’s not here to guide me. It is still very difficult to go home for the holidays. I love New Orleans….and my grandparents are still there, but I just can’t go. I can’t face it…..thankfully, I’ve been blessed with family in Peoria, IL, so I can actually celebrate the holidays. But this much I know for sure…….if I can be an eighth of the woman she was, I will be PHENOMENAL!
I hope this helps someone……it helped me!
Stage 1: “Am I Being Punked?”: I believe this is the stage of disbelief…that whatever you’ve lost or about to lose is not yet a reality for you. Although you know it’s very real, this is bigger than you could ever imagine, and you really don’t know what to do to make it better. It’s like you are waiting for a director to yell “Cut, take 10”….because surely this is a scripted version of your life and NOT the real thing!
Stage 2: “Nothing”: During this stage, I felt absolutely nothing…..there was no emotion there, I didn’t have thoughts, I didn’t have opinions, I simply existed. I had to be reminded to do simple things like eat, sleep, make arrangements to get home. I couldn’t even cry, because I was still holding on to the “Am I Being Punked” stage…so I didn’t want to cry, and then realize that it really was all a dream. “Nothing” is a very strange stage, because it’s like you are watching yourself from outside yourself.
Stage 3: “Auto-Pilot”: This is the pick-up-and-go/do stage for me. While I was planning my mother’s services, I just did what needed to be done….I had a list of things, and I did them, nothing more, nothing less. I was still at the ending of the “Nothing” phase, so that was my protection from losing my mind. I picked out her clothes, her jewelry, her casket, even how I wanted her hair….things that I look back on now and think “how in the world did you do that?”…..but it was easy, because I just set all my emotions on auto-pilot. Every time someone came up to me with tears in their eyes, I switched to “Auto-Pilot”, and said something polite or comforting to them! Imagine that….me, comforting my mother’s friends as they fall to pieces in my arms, and not shedding a tear. I made it through her services, her burial, and even her mourners….all because I didn’t absorb any of what was going on…..now yes, I did cry at the site of my mother in a coffin, because I knew she was truly gone. But honestly, there is very little I actually remember about that time. This stage lasted a long time…..I got through laying her to rest, and then went right into work. Luckily, my beloved Church and Sorority always has something going on, so I jumped in HEAD FIRST. My doctor gave me some time off because she was very concerned with my mental state……so I had nothing but time. I booked days and days of tasks…..I was NOT about to let this “grief” pull me down….no sir, not me……I was going to be FINE.
Stage 4: “The Breakdown”: What I didn’t know was that yes, I was going to be fine, until something snapped me out of “Auto-Pilot”. I remember the day perfectly. I was waiting and waiting to receive my mother’s death certificates, to finish the business end of her departure. (Side Note: There is SO MUCH PAPERWORK involved in death. How many times do you want me to write her birthday and the day of her death???? Really, it’s OOC….Out of Control! Somebody needs to regulate this!). And FINALLY, they came in the mail……and I took the package out of the mailbox….and I put it on the table….and I just looked at it. The contents of that package meant that the State of Louisiana was acknowledging that yes, Dwanna Faye Raney Jones of Kenner, Louisiana, had “expired” on April 4, 2008, 9:16am. I tried to open it, but it was too much…..I literally fell apart, right there in my living room. I cried, and cried, and cried, and cried. I cried for about 2 hours, non-stop. I called out for her, I begged God to bring her back, I pleaded with him to take it back…..but it was REAL. My mama was gone, and I wasn’t. My best friend, my biggest cheerleader, my comforter, my strength, was with God….yet I was here on earth…….
Stage 5: “The Blame Game”: So after I spent many, many days and nights crying myself in and out of sleep, I started replaying the conditions of my mother’s sickness that led to her death. “If only I’d been in Louisiana when she got sick, I would have forced her to go to the doctor SOONER”. “If she had come to Peoria earlier, I would have noticed something was wrong, and all of this could have been prevented”. The list went on and on about how I should have been a better daughter to her. I felt like I failed her…..all my life, she rescued me, she nursed me back to health, she prevented me from falling….and yet, when she needed me, I failed. I FAILED HER. This stage was very, very hard for me. By this time, this whole business of grief was too much! I needed to talk to someone. My Pastor encouraged me to get grief counseling, and I did. It was VERY HARD initially, but after a few sessions I was able to see things a lot clearer. The only thing I didn’t know was that I transferred the guilt and “blame” I had to my father……the one biological parent I have left. So, I blamed him. As crazy as it sounds, I blamed my earthly father and I blamed my Heavenly Father. I blamed my earthly father because I felt like it should have been him. Now I know how ugly and mean, and harsh that is, but that’s exactly how I felt. There is no love between us, no relationship, no bond. We share DNA, and features, but that’s it. So really, there wouldn’t be anything missing had he passed away, because there is nothing there to begin with. Then, to add insult to injury, I blamed my Heavenly Father because he took my Mama away….the one person who loved me and would cherish me, appreciate me, and left me with a “Father” who doesn’t even remember how old I am……so yeah, I was pissed off at both of them. But GOD…….the beauty about a relationship with God is that he knows your heart, and sees past all the anger and hurt, and shame…..and knows that you are hurting. Even in my darkest hour, and even in my blaming him for my hurt, God STILL wrapped me in his arms, and cared for me…….
Stage 6: “The New Normal”: So now that I’m not “Dwanna’s Daughter”, who am I? And if I can’t call her 3x’s a day and say “Girl, what are you doing?”, then what am I supposed to do? And if we can’t go to New York every year, then where will I go? And If she won’t be here to see me get married and have children, is it worth it anyway? These are all the questions I ask myself very often. It’s apart of figuring out how my “new” life will be. Because I firmly believe that once you experience loss of any kind, your are forever changed. I happened to LOVE the person I was before my mother’s illness and death, so this whole “change” thing DID NOT go over well. I was 24 years old, and just getting this “I’m Grown” thing down…..so I thought it was SO UNFAIR to hit me with all these LIFE LESSONS and SPIRITUAL GROWTHS SO SOON……couldn’t I take the remedial courses later? Like when I’m old and gray? I still struggle with this “new normal”…..I still have those “what if” questions…….for now, I believe this is never-ending phase….
Stage 7: “REALity”: So what’s real is that I miss my mama everyday. But everyday is not a “bad” day……I can finally listen to her favorite music and smile (Luther is playing right now on Pandora to give me the motivation to write this), I can still hear her voice. I dream about her very often….and the dreams are very VIVID. She is so happy in my dreams…..and she’s always telling me “Everything is ok”……but there are still some things that I can’t do. I cannot go to her burial site…..I cannot see her name, her birthday, and a “dash” with an ending year…..I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see that. It’s very hard for me to think about marriage and children, because these are the two things that my mother EXCELED at! She was the best wife and mother anyone could ask for. So part of me is excited to do these things, because my mama did them…..but the other part of me is so scared because she’s not here to guide me. It is still very difficult to go home for the holidays. I love New Orleans….and my grandparents are still there, but I just can’t go. I can’t face it…..thankfully, I’ve been blessed with family in Peoria, IL, so I can actually celebrate the holidays. But this much I know for sure…….if I can be an eighth of the woman she was, I will be PHENOMENAL!
I hope this helps someone……it helped me!
