When It Hurt's So Bad.....

When it hurts so bad that what you take for granted every day becomes a task and a challenge. When you can’t muster up the energy or motivation to get out of the bed, you just accept that today is one of “them days”. But it’s so much more than that…it’s a fight for your life, literally. Clinical depression and Anxiety disorders are REAL people. I’m not going to spit a bunch of facts and statistics at you, because that’s not my story. My story has nothing to do with numbers, and facts, but of what I struggle with daily. At 19, I was diagnosed with an Anxiety Disorder. Basically, my mind and body absorb stress abnormally. There is no “shut down” for my mind, it just continues to think/worry/take in, whatever situation I’m in. At the time, I’d just completed my freshman year in college, and was trying to get approval for a surgery. Anyone that’s ever dealt with Insurance Companies can probably “Amen” how daunting and difficult a task it can be. I was working part-time, and so most of the “fight” (phone calls, etc) was on my hands. My family supported me tremendously, but I was the one at home, on the phones, praying that I could get this surgery. I’d been experiencing some weird stuff with my body. I felt like my blood sugar was low all the time, I had very little energy, and I felt like my “insides” were shaking at all times. It’s very difficult to explain, but imagine having seizure-like tremors going on inside of your body…you can’t see them, but you can feel it. This went on for about a week, and finally, IT HAPPENED. I had a full-on anxiety attack. Thankfully, my family was with me, but it was the scariest moment of my life. I could not control the tremors, and was crying uncontrollably. Of course the paramedics were called because no one knew what was going on. After following up with my doctor, she told me that I had this disorder, and I needed to go on meds ASAP. I absolutely refused! Medicine for “mental illness” in the African-American community was not only shunned, but it showed weakness. You can’t take a lil pressure? Only the STRONG SURVIVE? You MUST not be PRAYING ENOUGH! I bought into all of the hype…because I was the hype. I’d said those very things about people that I knew that were “crazy”, but it wasn’t until I was one of those people that I realized how hurtful and harmful these words are. Mental illness is REAL ya’ll! Not only is it REAL, but it’s genetic. My Maternal Grandmother’s sister suffered with similar symptoms for years, and we never knew what it was, or what to call it. My grandmother also has had anxiety attacks. To top it all off, it is suspected that my biological Paternal Grandmother suffered from some sort of Mental Illness. Because she was not officially diagnosed (to my knowledge), it is a toss up between Paranoid Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder. She suffered her entire life, acting out, and there was no help for her. There was no place outside of an insane asylum that she could get the help that she needed. Furthermore, when you are poor, your options are even more limited. It’s hard to get a penicillin shot, much less treatment for Mental Illness!

I lived with my disorder for a long time without seeking any type of medications. There would be times that I would have attacks, and afterwards, I’d take a nap (after all, a nap cures EVERYTHING, RIGHT? LOL), and get right back on my grind. It wasn’t until my mother’s illness, and then death, that things tipped over. I could no longer control what was going on. I couldn’t sleep at night, I cried uncontrollably; I distanced myself from family and friends, and often couldn’t get out of the bed. Yep, on top of my disorder, depression set in. Even though I had an ailing mother that was 1,000 miles away, I’m working a full time job, full time graduate student, trying to be Delta of the Year (shout out to my sorors!!! LOL), and hold the family down, I STILL couldn’t rationalize getting on any medicine. Now pay close attention, because this is what is important. Depression is not just mental, but it manifests itself in physical ways. For over a year, I had severe stomach issues. There would be this crippling pain that I felt in my upper GI track that could not be diagnosed. I’d been on several medications, and even through several tests, and everything came back normal. There would be these “flare-ups” that did not make sense. Finally, after suffering, my doctor sat me down and told me that this was Depression taking over my body. I was becoming physically ill because I was not mentally prepared to deal with all the things going on in my life. I could not mentally process things, so my body would physically process them through pain. Basically, the pain that my mind took in, my body felt. Thank GOD for Dr. Paige Murray! I truly believe that I became her patient so that she could help me get to a place where I could accept that I needed help. Why is that so hard for us to accept and take in? Life is HARD. Not just for me, but for people in general. We are but mere mortals, yet we expect to just be able to take LIFE on like superman. Jesus WEPT. He felt tremendous pain and suffering. So why do we NOT believe that we can’t feel these things? We suppress, and suppress, until one day it becomes too much and we either explode or implode, but the result is brokenness. My friends and I often talk about Mental Health in our community, and we all feel like everyone would be better off with a few sessions with a therapist. Yes, this means YOU. I’m sure you’ve dealt with some things in life that were hard, and it took you THROUGH. Please do not get me wrong, I’m a whole-hearted believer in prayer, and it’s power. But I also believe that God gives us what we need. If there were not a NEED for therapists and counselors, then they would not exist. God brings people to us for us to either help them, or for them to help us, it’s just that simple. What’s even more disappointing is that most Church’s don’t have any type of counseling available for their followers. They still believe that if you just put a lil Jesus on it, everything will be ok. Really? Is that so? So I can just put some Jesus on my problem (like I’m sprinkling season salt on some food), and that’s it? There aren’t any residual emotions that follow that? Jesus asked God to take the cup FROM HIM, before he went to the cross. So even He felt OVERWHELMED. Yes, I believe that God is my everything, and he can do everything! Can’t nobody tell me differently, but I also know that I’ve prayed that prayer, I’ve stood in the midst of my storm and told it to pass because God already claimed me victorious! I’ve stood up to Satan and told him that he was a liar, a thief, and he was NOT welcomed in my life. But even after all of that, I still had these residual feelings that came along with that. I still had to deal with these thoughts in my head, all the pain and emotion of my storm that was all still very, very real.

I eventually did begin a regimen of medication for my Anxiety Disorder because I could no longer live as if it did not exist. It was VERY scary to be on medicine because I was so afraid of the side effects. I did not want to lose my right mind, or to fall deeper than I already was. Thankfully, my doctor was super awesome, and did lots of research for me, and we got the right medicine with the right dosage, so that I could begin to actually cope. When you do have anxiety, you don’t really deal with the things that are going on with your life. You take them in, and you store them, but you don’t ever really bring them to surface because you can’t. You just hold on to all that “stuff.” I began my regimen in 2008, and I’m so thankful that I was brave enough to take that step. I no longer suffered in silence. I got the assistance that I needed. I’m sure some of you will read this and write me off as “crazy”…that’s cool. I understand your thought process, so no harm, no foul. My prayer is that someone will read this, and reach out to SOMEONE to get the help you need. There is no strength in silence. When you speak of what you feel, you are empowered to fight! Please reach out to your Pastor, a community center, a support group….but do not suffer in silence.

From a girl who came undone, but found the strength to put the pieces back together……