Why Do Women Like Dboys?

This post comes from a friend of mine...written by her. I hope you enjoy.....

While talking to a friend, we were trying to figure out why Dboys are so appealing to corporate women that got it together and have A LOT to lose. The memory of what you saw when you were that freshman in high school trying to do the right thing. I was a freshman back in the late 90’s when all the Dboys had a Lexus or a Jag. We all dreamed about being that thick, big-bootied senior that was able to land one and ride on the passenger side. Or, even sometimes get the keys and pick up your girls and “circle the block”. Not realizing that that was NOT what’s up! Is it because women feel secure around them? I.e. without them or any man for that matter, they feel insecure. Or, is it simply a lack of self esteem?

Dboys lend a sense of security because they got all the “protection” in the world. But we fail to realize that it’s actually the opposite. They actually lend all the DANGER in the world. We don’t pay attention to the examples that we have in front of us. All the situations where the female that has nothing to do with the transaction, ends up in the trunk of the car, are not enough to wake us up. I guess like DMX, “Why Do Good Girls like Bad Guys?”

Maybe Dboys are simply exciting? They have more fun than the typical straight-laced guy who actually has a W-2 with some benefits to top it off. Everything is carefree with no worries. The only worry is where the next stray bullet will come from or, whether the police are staked out outside the house. But that is all the thrill, right? It’s a lot more to it than what we see on the surface. This is when good old fashion self – esteem comes into the picture.

You have to know your worth. And that night, week, month, etc. of fun could actually be a detriment. Not only a detriment to your life, but your reputation and career. Which, if I must say so myself, are all very important. So why take the chance? Talk about Russian roulette.

We Can't Be Friends

I got my “blog jones” back, so the thoughts are firing off all over the place. As you will to come know, most of my blog topics come from discussions with friends. I bet if we really put our minds to it, we could save the world. We have some of the most intellectual conversations! It’s amazing what you can learn from a simple exchange of words. During a recent exchange, a male friend was telling me that he was working on being friends with his ex. I asked him if he really thought it was possible, and he proceeded to say he didn’t really know, but he wanted to try. Hmm….try to be friends with an ex? Maybe…..NOT. So here are my top 5 reasons I can’t be friends with an ex:

1. I Don’t Downgrade…….
Yep, I don’t give up the position I formerly held, for something LESS. Now, you might say that the friendship is more important or more worthy than the man-woman relationship we had, but let’s face it…we don’t really believe that. We like that title…at least I do…we like the commitment that comes along with “this is my girlfriend/boyfriend”. So when you say “oh, this is just my friend”, that’s like saying, this is “what’s her name, she’s not important to me AT ALL”. I just can’t handle that. I don’t want to go from going to the family outings, and talking on the phone to your Mama, to being “oh-what’s-her-name FRIEND”. If I’m going to get my pink slip, let’s just part ways and let it be. Don’t offer me the consolation prize of being your friend……nah, I’m not with that.
2. You Know Too MuchSo now that I’ve been your girlfriend/wife, I’ve become vulnerable to you. I’ve opened my spirit to yours, and let you in on things that I only speak to God about. You know all my likes, dislikes, needs, wants, and desires…and frankly, I don’t always let my friends in on all of that. Even my BESTIES don’t get ALL OF THAT about EVERYTHING. But when you are my man, it’s a different story…I’m supposed to share those secrets with you. But if we don’t make it, and we must part ways, I forever know that you KNOW ME. That means you can predict my next move without me even mentioning what it will be. I’m not comfortable in that zone. And now you want to be my friend? So you can use what you know about me to your advantage….nope, not happening….. (Ok, I know I’m a lil paranoid, but don’t judge me!)
3. Blurred VisionEvery relationship has boundaries, no matter what kind of relationship it is, there are rules in place to keep everyone in the happy zone. Now, if I’m trying to transition from being your girlfriend/wife, to your friend, there is a new set of boundaries to live by. I no longer have the right to ask “babe, who was that calling”, or “where were you this afternoon, we missed each other”…NOT ALLOWED. That is by far, breaking the “friends only” boundaries. At some point, we will forget about those boundaries, and end up arguing about something we argued about as a couple, and forgetting that none of that matters anymore. But we don’t know that because are attempting to be “friends” when really, we are WAY past that stage
4. I’m Not Over it YETEven though I might tell you “I’m over it…I’m good”, there is a really good chance I’m doing this to save face at the very moment. Trying my very best not to let you see me sweat…after all, we broke up, so I want to protect my vulnerability. And while it’s not the most honest thing in the world, I’m not going to let you think you got me like that (even if you still do. LOL). So while I’m still trying to cope with our breakup, and still playing every sad song I have on my iPod that expresses how I feel, I don’t want to be your damn friend! I don’t want to have to look at you and be like, that’s him…MY FRIEND. So unless and until I’m really, truly, over it, and I’ve moved on……I don’t want to be your friend…
5. I Don’t Do DramaI like to live my life as drama-free as possible. While I haven’t had the worst time in life, I’ve been dealt some really hard blows….I’ve vowed to live by simplicity at ALL COSTS. So having to sit down with an ex, and reconfigure our “new relationship” so that we can be “friends” seems like a waste of time and energy to me. And without a doubt, this will cause DRAMA. At some point, one party is going to say “see, this is why we broke up in the first place”, and you are back to #3…blurred vision. I’d much rather spend that time trying to see if we can make this work then trying to transform the relationship to the “friend zone”. I don’t want that uncomfortable public appearance drama……I don’t want any drama at all, so yeah, I’d rather let go all together, than to hold on to the drama….

Knowing Your Limits

Recently, I was having a discussion with a friend of mine, and I mentioned that I didn’t have any desire to date a professional athlete. I’d just watched “NBA Wives” on E! and there were far MORE UNHAPPY endings than happy endings. I’m good…I’ll pass. She went on to tell me that some of her friends were dating/marrying athletes, and they weren’t all bad. She has also dated an athlete (both in college, and after he went pro), and things did not go so well. Yet, still she said he was a good guy, but they weren’t right for each other. I immediately pointed out to her all the things that tipped the scale for her ex from “good guy” to “not-so-good guy”, and she told me my standards were TOO HIGH, and at some point, I’d have to put up with SOMETHING. She followed that up with “you will be single forever”.

Initially, I was like, yeah, ok, whatever, but then, I really thought about it. She was right…I would have to put up with something, but shouldn’t I get to pick what that something is? Isn’t it my right to say “No, this is unacceptable, I will not tolerate….”? Now I come from a family of women who are completely NO NONSENSE. When it comes to foolishness, we have very short attention spans, and even worse, if drama ensues, you will most likely get cussed out AND cut off. I can recall my Nanny having a boyfriend that I really liked. He was nice to me, very polite and respectful to my family, just an overall good guy…..and then he cheated and got caught. He was not invited to family gatherings, he did not come over anymore…he was done…Nanny put her foot down, and down it stayed. So when you see that type of behavior growing up, that is what you know. It is what you come to believe as truth. So no, cheating is not something that I think I can tolerate. I say “think” because I’ve never known an instance where I’ve been cheated on. I’ve really only had one serious relationship, so my numbers aren’t that high to begin with. But even if they were, I don’t think I could tolerate that.

I think what really got my attention is how many women I see settling for less than what they require, just to say “he’s mine….I have a man”. Ok, then what? Sure it’s nice to have someone on your arm, and it’s great to have “date night”, but if he’s not what you really want/need, then it’s all smoke and mirrors…an illusion. As women, I believe we need to stop settling, and start evaluating. I’m not saying you need to have a “mythical checklist” (shout out to Jozen for his blog on this topic…www.untiligetmarried.com) of what he should have, but you need to know what you will/will not tolerate. I observe my friends’ relationships, and I see the interaction between the couples…for the most part, I aspire to have relationships like they have…but even with them, I see things that I don’t think I can handle…and I put those things in my memory. And I’m not getting ready so I can turn someone down…I’m preparing myself to be able to pick out the “right one”. See, I already know what “wrong” looks like…LOL…I’ve gotten some experience in that department, so my theory is that “right” will stick out like a sore thumb. But even in seeing “right”, I believe that I owe it to myself to know my limits.

So for now, I’m still single….and that’s ok….I’m exploring my limits.

Surprise Attack

They say that when it rains it pours…..well I feel like the last 24 hours of my life has been a monsoon! I’ve always been a sensitive person, so I’m not surprised that I’m easily swayed by someone else’s emotions (I’m the person that will cry with you, just at the sight of you crying…LOL). But I thought I was a big girl….that I could pretty much handle whatever came my way! After the death of my mother, I realized that there was no greater pain that I would ever feel, and if I could survive that, then everybody else could bring their best shot…and I’d be the last woman standing. But in feeling confident that no one could really ever hurt me again, I let my guard down. And BAM! I got a surprise attack…not from the Enemy, but from someone very, very real, someone that I’ve loved my whole life. Why is it that the people that are closest to you, can hurt you so badly?

I don’t understand people. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t get how people operate. I don’t know how the mind can convince you of something that doesn’t really exist. But what I really don’t understand is how grief operates. I’ve written before about the different stages of grief, and how they affected ME. But what I don’t get his how grief affects other people. So hats off to the counselors and doctors that guide people through grief, because that’s a big bad ugly wolf to slay. I know in my own grief, I felt a lot of internal hurt, and I was angry at God, but I didn’t push that on to other people. So now that I see someone’s grief causing them to be angry at other people, I’m baffled. Maybe it’s not for me to understand, and that’s ok.

But what I won’t be is your victim. I experience the same grief that you experience, so we can grieve together. But again, I’m not going sit by, and let you lash out at me because you don’t know what else to do. I did nothing to you, but love you. I’ve tried to love you despite it all. So now, I have to put a lot of space between us. For my own sanity, I have part ways. I pray that one day, things will be different. Until then, I hope you find peace.

It Could All Be So Simple....

I remember when things were simple. Life was all about what I would wear to school, which sneakers would match what outfit, and if my parents were going to buy me that cross-colors outfit. (Hey, stop laughing….I’m an 80s baby who grew up in the 90s! LOL). Back then, if a boy liked you, you could tell because they either tormented you at recess (pulling your hair, pushing you down, etc), or they flat out said it. I remember the first time I got my first “Do you like me?” note…..I was SO EXCITED. Now, it didn’t matter that I was only in the 2nd grade, and the note was from a boy who had been held back a lot…all that mattered was that somebody liked me! Of course, I circled the “YES” option, and sent the note back. Of course, because we were so young (at least I was), we really didn’t know what else to do besides smile at each other in class, and sit next to each other at lunch time. Things were so simple then. The complexity was non-existent. There was no “drama”….it was just simple expressions of “like”.

Fast forward to 6th grade…middle school! I’m so excited because I’m at the “big kid’s school”, I have on the fresh jeans and t-shirt, and the fresh shoes! Even better, is that the selection of boys at John Quincy Adams Middle School is quite impressive! It wasn’t long before I got my first “Do you like me?” note. But this time, it meant so much more….because there was an In-School Dance coming up! I could not believe that of all people, Whitney (yes, his name was Whitney, and YES, he was super cute!) wanted me to go to the dance with him. Now this was easy to pull off…the dance was in-school, so I didn’t have to worry about the parental units! (I wasn’t allowed to talk to boys on the phone yet, but of course, I got around that!). Whitney and I were a couple…a real live couple. He bought my ticket to the dance, and he bought my soda. I don’t remember if we actually danced or not, but I was in HEAVEN! Our relationship didn’t last much longer than that dance, because of course, it was 6th grade. But looking back on it now, I really want to find Whitney! LOL. He was such a gentlemen, and very concerned with my well-being. At this point in my life, I don’t get that treatment very often. I’m the person most concerned about my well-being. So needless to say, the search for Whitney is ON. Maybe we can re-kindle our 6th Grade romance and live happily ever after….if anybody knows Whitney, and he’s SINGLE, tell him to holla at me! :)

I guess the real point is that I miss simplicity. I miss the days when it was “ok” for a boy to tell you he liked you, and it was “ok” for you to say “I like you too”. As an adult, I see how much we complicate the process. We have all the steps….and not to actually dating the person; these steps are just to COMMUNICATE with them. Who should call who first, and who should ask who out first, and should I call him right back, or will that look desperate, and should I call her the night she gives me the number, or should I wait so I don’t seem THIRSTY? I’m worn out just typing all that! Can we please just go back to those days when it was as simple as passing a note? When writing each other letters in class about your night (because you couldn’t talk to them on the phone) was the highlight of your day. When adding his name to your name on your notebook let the whole SCHOOL know that ya’ll were a couple. I miss that! I want that back! I don’t want to wonder if he’s going to call, or wonder if I should call him. I just want us to act on how we feel. Far too many times, we get caught up in what society thinks we should do, and we forget about how we feel, and what we WANT to do. If you want to call me and say “I just wanted to hear your voice”, that should be OK. We allow our pride to intercede our good judgment. No one wants to be vulnerable, or get “played”. But such is life. Everybody plays the fool; there is no exception to the rule! So my new philosophy on it all is to go for it….we only life once, and life is TOO SHORT to be caught up in the details.

Lauryn Hill penned a masterpiece when she said “It could all be so simple/but you’d rather make it hard”……….well Lauryn, I’m making it simple!

My Thoughts on Teenage Pregnancy

So, this blogging thing is really working! I’m back to one of my first loves (writing), and folks are actually reading it! Not only that, people are actually requesting it!!!! (Shout out to Kelly Red for REQUESTING this one…thanks KEL!) I didn’t actually start writing because I was looking for fans or followers, but because there were a lot of things I wanted to get off my chest…more like a release than anything. My latest “burning platform” is Teen Parents. I’ve become a fan of MTV’s “Teen Mom” and “16 & Pregnant”. Not because I’m so eager to see teenagers make poor decisions, but because of the way the network portrays the stories. Just like with any other “reality” show, I’m sure MTV could use a lot of the “things are GREAT since I had a baby at 16” footage, but instead, they show the baby crying while you are trying to study or sleep, not having a social life because that requires a babysitter, or something even more serious…not being able to get your GED because you dropped out of school….because you were pregnant. So first and foremost, hats off to MTV for really “keeping it real” with these stories.

What I really want to tell these teenagers is that YOU ARE WORTH THE WAIT. Now I know I might sound like an after school special, but hear me out: You are worthy, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Before you were yet formed in your mother’s womb, God KNEW YOU. No, I’m not about to start a sermon, but sometimes, it’s as simple as telling someone that they are worthy changes their life! If just one teenager reads this blog, and decides that they are worthy, and worth the wait, then my job is done. Far too often, we don’t give our kids the power to say “no”. We make it easy for them to fall victim/prey to deception. We don’t empower our children with enough love and support. While I have not done clinical studies to support my hypothesis, I’ve mentored enough young ladies to know that what they really need are boundaries, love, and support. They will thrive and bloom far better than expected when given the right tools. But yet, somehow, we are missing the mark. Our sons and daughters are searching for love and validation in the hearts of each other, and not only coming up empty-handed, but they are also bringing forth life, when they don’t even understand it! Imagine being hired for a job that you are severely under-qualified for…..now imagine having to do that job for the next 18-21 years. That’s the predicament our children are in when they become parents too soon.

By no means am I trying to imply that Teenage Pregnancy is the fault of the parent. In fact, I believe the complete opposite. While I do think that parents need to give their children the right tools for life, we are all born with free will. We have the opportunity everyday to make good or bad decisions. So, the “blame” (for lack of a better word) is on the people in the moment, deciding that they are ready to alter the rest of their lives. Now of course, they don’t think about it that way, which is why I wrote it that way. Every time a couple engages in sexual activity, they are attempting to pro-create. It’s that simple. I will re-state it: Every time a couple engages in sexual activity, they are attempting to pro-create. That is the biblical purpose for the act…to bring forth life. So if you engage in something that is MEANT to bring forth life, you are not allowed to be surprised at the ending that includes you, him, and a baby stroller! WAKE UP! You are not invincible! You are not outside, above, below, or around the RULES. Everything applies to YOU! Where do you think they get these statistics about teenage pregnancy? “Other people?”. NO! People who look like you, dress like you, talk like you, and sometimes, go to your school!

And as for the “happily ever after” that you THINK this baby will help you make? I can promise that the outcome you have planned is FAR different than what will actually happen. As my mother used to tell me “He will promise you the moon and the stars, and in the end, it will be the JUDGE that will give it to you!”. Now, you had to know my mother and her story to really appreciate that laugh break (I still LOL every time I say it), but she was RIGHT. People usually have the best intentions until LIFE HAPPENS….and it will. Life will take over, and the fantasy will be over, and the baby will be crying, and you will be out of money, but still needing diapers, and you and him are fighting but don’t know why……BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO YOUNG. You are NOT equipped (physically, mentally, spiritually, or emotionally) to raise a child, much less co-parent. I know ADULTS who can’t co-parent. There is a reason that it becomes SO HARD to deal with….you aren’t supposed to be dealing with these types of problems at 16…..you are not qualified.

So now what? That’s a good question….but only you have the answer. Just as I wrote my thoughts in this blog, you have the power to write your own story. You have the power of choice….deciding which path you will take. But please know, that whatever you do, and whatever you choose, you are WORTHY.