I’m back at it again…I really love that I’m being faithful to my blog. Last year, I treated this blog as the “side piece”, only coming to it when everything else failed…this year, I’m determined to make it my one and only! LOL. I’m on the heels of a 21 Day Financial Fast with my church family. Every year in January, we embark on some sort of fast to help us grow spiritually. We’ve done traditional fasts where we don’t eat food from 6am-6pm, media fasts (yes, media…ALL MEDIA not work related…thank goodness I didn’t have FB or Twitter then…I would have #FAILED..LOL), and finally, the Financial Fast. Initially, I really didn’t pay much attention to the Fast because I had a lot of things going on. It was in the back of my mind, and I knew we would eventually start, but it wasn’t a priority of mine. All I knew was that I had to shop till I dropped before January 9. LOL. After that, all bets were off. The details of the fast were:
1. Only necessary purchases can be made (meaning if you won’t die without purchasing, it’s a NO!)
2. CASH ONLY…yep, that’s right..no credit card, no debt cards, just good ol’ cash
3. Read and journal daily about the devotional readings throughout the book.
For those of you that know me personally, you know that I have a strong liking to eBay and Amazon (you say addiction, I say “strong liking”..LOL). I am a sucker for a good deal. I RARELY purchase things at the retail price, and if I do, you can bet that it’s a WONDERFUL deal, or it’s super last minute and I didn’t plan properly. I’m not ashamed AT ALL to admit that some of the best purchases that I’ve made for myself and others have come off the ‘net. Someone else’s “stuff” is always my treasure. I love the fact that I can also be “wise” (or so I thought) with my money by saving on purchases I made. So in my head, if I’m being wise about the purchases that I make, spending less than what the item is really worth, and STILL getting great quality, then I’m WINNING right? I’ll take “wrong as hell for $200, Alex!”
As an aide to the 21 Day Fast, our pastor introduced us to “The Power to Prosper, 21 Days to Financial Freedom” by Michelle Singletary. He is an avid reader, so we always have reference points, books, and articles to help us along. As a good steward, I purchased the book, and dove right into this fast. And then, like a thief in the night, I was slapped upside the head with conviction, sadness, and defeat. I realized very early on in the book that the way I lived and treated my finances were the complete OPPOSITE of everything God said about money. Traditionally, I tithed, gave my offerings, and even contributed to our “Bridging The Gap” campaign to enlarge our ministry. But I still had the wrong ideas about money. I treated money as if it was entitled to me…something that I was always supposed to have because I work everyday and DESERVE it. I understood that God was my ultimate provider, but I didn’t treat him that way with my money. God was not first on the list if I got extra money, or if I got a bonus. I infamously made lists of things to purchase or pay off from the last purchase, and God never quite made the list.
As I continued through the book, I realized that a lot of the trials and tribulations that I encountered prior to the fast were direct reflections of my views. God tells us that if we are not faithful over little, we cannot be faithful over much. In other words, why would God bless you financially, with an increase, if you can’t manage what you have currently? DEEP, I KNOW! The other realization I came to was that I was obsessively spoiled as a child. We were by no means rich, but there was very little that I “wanted” for. What I did want for was as a result of my mother just saying “no, you don’t need that”. Otherwise, it was mine for the taking. My grandfather made it his business for me to always feel like his baby girl…his princess. I had all the love that 10 little girls could stand…and the toys too! LOL. As an adult, I realize how much that affected my mentality. In my mind, there was NO LIMIT to the things I could obtain. As long as my bills were paid, and there was a positive balance in my checking account, WHY NOT? This fast helped me understand that I had a mentality of entitlement and excess….MORE, MORE, MORE. I never really knew how I got the things that I got (of course I knew SOMEBODY paid for them, but I didn’t know to what extent they went to secure that purchase), and I never really bothered to find out. Make no mistake, I don’t fault my family AT ALL for how I was raised…they did a wonderful job. All they wanted for me was more than they had for themselves, and I applaud their efforts.
After crying out to God for forgiveness, and asking for a clean heart and a right spirit, I knew I could no longer live the same way. I could not continue to treat money as if it would last forever, and I HAD to make God my 1st priority in everything and in every way. I asked God to show me myself, and to rid me of what needed to go! This is HARD, I will not lie, but it is so rewarding. I am seeing how God works when you are obedient. Because I am denying MYSELF, and following HIM, I am being blessed abundantly. The blessings are coming in all shapes and sizes, yet I recognize them because I’m more in synch with what I’m SUPPOSED to be doing.
So am I forever cured? I’m not sure. Will I continue to purchase on eBay? Absolutely. But now, I examine these purchases thoroughly, and SAVE for what I want. No more impulse purchases (as of now), and no more shopping out of boredom. What I can say is that I’m a work in progress…
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Let It GO
Well it’s about that time again….time for a new blog entry. Anyone with access to blogs or social media has been exposed to the latest “Revenge Fest” going on by wives/ex-wives of athletes, entertainers, and celebrities. So at first glance, I’m like ok, cool….you reap what you sow. So if at some point in your relationship, you broke your vows, or you betrayed your partner, or even led them astray, then this is only getting that same crop. But then, as with all things social media, there began to be an extreme emphasis on bringing the spouse or ex DOWN…not just with putting them “on blast” in an interview or two…but now we are going to court and suing folks, making videos and uploading them onto the WORLD WIDE WEB. Both examples are open and available for public viewing, indefinitely, so basically, what you say today, lasts forever. Please do not get me wrong, or misunderstand, I have been HURT, disappointed, deceived, led astray, and out right LIED TO. BUT, in all of that, and in all of my anger, the thought of causing that person pain (in whatever form), didn’t make me feel better…not permanently. Sure, the thought of making them feel the pain I’m feeling SOUNDS appealing, but here’s the catch: We are all individuals, and we all react differently. So your BEST laid plans to make them miserable, can be used to BETTER the person you are trying to destroy.
I learned the biggest and best lesson about “Letting GO” from my mother. My mother experienced the worst pain a young woman in love could possible experience. She fell in love with a man that loved her selfishly. So while my mother was taking care of her new child, and preparing for marriage, her fiance’ was starting a new life with another woman. So she has a child with this man, loves this man, wants this man, and yet, he walks away. I don’t exactly know what her reactions were (I was 10 mos old), but I don’t ever remember her being angry. Anyone that knew my mother knew that she had the sweetest spirit. Yes she was upset, and yes she no longer trusted him, but what she DID NOT do, was allow his actions to control her emotions and reaction. I’m sure there were many nights that she cried herself to sleep over the things he’d done to her, but that was between her and God. What I respect most about my mother is the way she handled adversity. She never allowed people to get into her spirit and distract her from what was important to her. (If I could get about 5% of that, I’d be AWESOME…lol). I wish I could share this lesson to some of the women that are in the media, obsessed (yes, that’s the word…not angry or “scorned”) with their exes. I just want to tell them to go to God with their worries and issues, and leave them there. Of course I’m single as the day is long, and there will be people that say I’m not qualified to speak on the covenant of marriage…and that may be true. But what I am, and do have, is experience with life and anger. No matter what form, pissed off is pissed off….and we all have to learn how to handle and control our emotions.
What bothers me most is the level that some of the ladies are descending to in order to “prove” that there ex is no good. Ok, and then what? There’s a good chance that everyone knew that BUT YOU. Or maybe you knew, and took those vows anyway….so where is your responsibility in that? Either way, what does that do for you? Once it’s out, and once you give the SAME interview 50-11 times, then what? Do you feel better because of the names you called him, or does that hole in your heart still ache? Do you really feel pity on the “new wife”, or do you envy her? I just don’t understand. Because if I’m truly upset with someone, why would I give them free publicity? What I’m trying to say ladies, is we are the matriarchs of our family….we are the first teachers to our children…we MUST show them that despite what happens to us, we can always choose to RISE ABOVE. Of course I’m not saying that ANY type of abuse should be tolerated, but what I am saying is that we can choose how to deal with these situations. We can be examples of God’s teachings on adversity. One thing we are promised is trials and tribulations….you can’t spend your life fighting battles that do not belong to you. LET IT GO….
I learned the biggest and best lesson about “Letting GO” from my mother. My mother experienced the worst pain a young woman in love could possible experience. She fell in love with a man that loved her selfishly. So while my mother was taking care of her new child, and preparing for marriage, her fiance’ was starting a new life with another woman. So she has a child with this man, loves this man, wants this man, and yet, he walks away. I don’t exactly know what her reactions were (I was 10 mos old), but I don’t ever remember her being angry. Anyone that knew my mother knew that she had the sweetest spirit. Yes she was upset, and yes she no longer trusted him, but what she DID NOT do, was allow his actions to control her emotions and reaction. I’m sure there were many nights that she cried herself to sleep over the things he’d done to her, but that was between her and God. What I respect most about my mother is the way she handled adversity. She never allowed people to get into her spirit and distract her from what was important to her. (If I could get about 5% of that, I’d be AWESOME…lol). I wish I could share this lesson to some of the women that are in the media, obsessed (yes, that’s the word…not angry or “scorned”) with their exes. I just want to tell them to go to God with their worries and issues, and leave them there. Of course I’m single as the day is long, and there will be people that say I’m not qualified to speak on the covenant of marriage…and that may be true. But what I am, and do have, is experience with life and anger. No matter what form, pissed off is pissed off….and we all have to learn how to handle and control our emotions.
What bothers me most is the level that some of the ladies are descending to in order to “prove” that there ex is no good. Ok, and then what? There’s a good chance that everyone knew that BUT YOU. Or maybe you knew, and took those vows anyway….so where is your responsibility in that? Either way, what does that do for you? Once it’s out, and once you give the SAME interview 50-11 times, then what? Do you feel better because of the names you called him, or does that hole in your heart still ache? Do you really feel pity on the “new wife”, or do you envy her? I just don’t understand. Because if I’m truly upset with someone, why would I give them free publicity? What I’m trying to say ladies, is we are the matriarchs of our family….we are the first teachers to our children…we MUST show them that despite what happens to us, we can always choose to RISE ABOVE. Of course I’m not saying that ANY type of abuse should be tolerated, but what I am saying is that we can choose how to deal with these situations. We can be examples of God’s teachings on adversity. One thing we are promised is trials and tribulations….you can’t spend your life fighting battles that do not belong to you. LET IT GO….
Saturday, January 8, 2011
The LAST Year of My 20s
Well I’m back again…back on my grind with the blog. I’m really proud that I have a rhythm back. When you really enjoy doing something, and it actually HELPS your progress, it makes you feel amazing to be on your ish! LOL
As most of you know, I’m approaching 29! I can’t even believe that I typed that, much less will be experiencing it in 14 days!! I used to think 25 was old, and now, I don’t even remember what I did at 25! LOL. I’ve promised myself that this year, the last year of my 20s, will be EPIC. I want to do things that will be memorable for a lifetime, pray like I’ve never prayed before, and be the best ME I can be. I don’t want to spend this last year of my 20s filled with “shoulda coulda woulda.” I want to make this one count…not that I haven’t tried to do this in past years, but I figured out what was really holding me back….M-E. I have been holding myself back from actually experiencing life for a long time now. Unlike most people, I know exactly the date and time that I stopped living my life…April 4, 2008, 9:49am. That’s the day that Miss Faye (the best damn mother this side of creation) went to be with God. On that day, my life stopped being important. Of course I wanted to continue living, but I misplaced the word “living” for simply existing. Every day that I could wake up, get out of the bed, and complete tasks without a complete emotional breakdown was a day well lived. Happiness was misplaced with complacency, and my joy was gone. As each day pressed forward, I was able to begin to put the pieces back together, and there were times where I laughed, and FELT happy, but I looking back on those years, I held back. I held back on life because I didn’t want to be TOO happy, because my best friend wasn’t here (physically) to enjoy my happiness with me. I didn’t want to rock the boat too much and actively pursue my joy, because who would tell me “You are my favorite daughter, I love you so much?” I needed to hear that, because that is what made me want MORE. If I’m honest with myself, I STILL need to hear that. But now, I understand that I can STILL hear that…from my HEAVENLY FATHER. I serve a God that has comforted me, wiped my tears, soothed my ailments, disciplined me when I was wrong, and most importantly, called me HIS OWN. (Excuse me while I shout)
So it’s time for me to start LIVING again. I have to live so that I can do and be what is laid out for me. I have to live this year like no other, because I’ve been blessed abundantly. I have to take this final year of my 20s as a time to recount every lesson I learned, every time I repeated that lesson, and each time I forgot what I learned the first time. No, I don’t want perfection, but I do want to be better than I was before. This final year of my 20s is going to be the year that I discover what I should have been doing!
On my short list of things for this last year:
• Move to a new city (see my previous blog)
• Go back to NYC (Me and Mom’s favorite city to visit)
• Become a red-head (or some variation thereof…..blonde is fun, let’s see what red will be like)
• LIVE
As most of you know, I’m approaching 29! I can’t even believe that I typed that, much less will be experiencing it in 14 days!! I used to think 25 was old, and now, I don’t even remember what I did at 25! LOL. I’ve promised myself that this year, the last year of my 20s, will be EPIC. I want to do things that will be memorable for a lifetime, pray like I’ve never prayed before, and be the best ME I can be. I don’t want to spend this last year of my 20s filled with “shoulda coulda woulda.” I want to make this one count…not that I haven’t tried to do this in past years, but I figured out what was really holding me back….M-E. I have been holding myself back from actually experiencing life for a long time now. Unlike most people, I know exactly the date and time that I stopped living my life…April 4, 2008, 9:49am. That’s the day that Miss Faye (the best damn mother this side of creation) went to be with God. On that day, my life stopped being important. Of course I wanted to continue living, but I misplaced the word “living” for simply existing. Every day that I could wake up, get out of the bed, and complete tasks without a complete emotional breakdown was a day well lived. Happiness was misplaced with complacency, and my joy was gone. As each day pressed forward, I was able to begin to put the pieces back together, and there were times where I laughed, and FELT happy, but I looking back on those years, I held back. I held back on life because I didn’t want to be TOO happy, because my best friend wasn’t here (physically) to enjoy my happiness with me. I didn’t want to rock the boat too much and actively pursue my joy, because who would tell me “You are my favorite daughter, I love you so much?” I needed to hear that, because that is what made me want MORE. If I’m honest with myself, I STILL need to hear that. But now, I understand that I can STILL hear that…from my HEAVENLY FATHER. I serve a God that has comforted me, wiped my tears, soothed my ailments, disciplined me when I was wrong, and most importantly, called me HIS OWN. (Excuse me while I shout)
So it’s time for me to start LIVING again. I have to live so that I can do and be what is laid out for me. I have to live this year like no other, because I’ve been blessed abundantly. I have to take this final year of my 20s as a time to recount every lesson I learned, every time I repeated that lesson, and each time I forgot what I learned the first time. No, I don’t want perfection, but I do want to be better than I was before. This final year of my 20s is going to be the year that I discover what I should have been doing!
On my short list of things for this last year:
• Move to a new city (see my previous blog)
• Go back to NYC (Me and Mom’s favorite city to visit)
• Become a red-head (or some variation thereof…..blonde is fun, let’s see what red will be like)
• LIVE
Monday, January 3, 2011
It's What I Signed Up For
I've always wondered why the life of a Christian seemed so "hard." As a child, it seemed that all the kids that DIDN'T listen to their parents and did whatever they wanted, got whatever they wanted. Meanwhile, I was scared to go home with a "C" because Faye and Jeffrie were my parents…'nuff said! When I got older, things seemed to stay the same…good people suffered, and those that weren't necessarily "good", got what they wanted. For a long time, I questioned God about that. What was the point of living a life of good, and do His works if we were just going to catch hell? I mean, really? I'm going to deny myself, and take up my cross, AND still not get a reward? God had some explaining to do…
I was watching something on TV, and Kirk Franklin was featured. He was speaking to a group of young men about living the life God wants for them, and one of them asked why it was so hard? Kirk's response was simple, but so profound, it's stayed with me …"It's what you signed up for". I could have been knocked over by a feather! When I pledged my life to God, and received salvation, I signed up for life filled with trials and tribulations. If you look at Christ's life, it was filled with that very thing…he was not believed to be the Messiah, his own disciples had issues with disbelief, and then, to top it all off, he was crucified on false accusations. Although we may not go through those exact situations, and we may not be physically killed, our spirits are wounded all the time! We are lied on, mistreated, criticized, lied to, unappreciated, deceived, tested, tried, and broken…..but it's at that moment…the moment of utter broken-ness that God can most effectively use us. The trials come so that we can see God's work through us, and then so we can show off his work to others….that's a lot to take in. Sometimes we don't even "go thru" for our own blessings or upliftment. Sometimes we are put to the test so that someone near us can be blessed and edified by God's works. How selfless is that? In a society where self is number one, this is HARD to accept. My suffering MAY NOT be for me, but for my brother….chew on that one for a little while. I'm still chewing…..
What I've learned is that we can't adequately show God's favor over us, if we are never put to the test. If we never go through something, how can we brought out? How can we obtain spiritual maturity if we don't experience growing pains? Just like learning something new on your job, or taking up a new hobby, it's going to be frustrating, and sometimes difficult. We may even quit, and dismiss the whole idea, but nothing worth having comes easily or cheap. My relationship with God (JC to me) has been a battle, to say the least. But in that battle, God has done beautiful things for me, to me, and to those around me. I've been able to be a blessing to people, that otherwise may not have seen the love of JC. It has not always been comfortable, but I always find comfort in Him….he is my very best friend. And like real friends, I can tell him how I feel…I tell him what I like and don't like, what I'm struggling with, and even what I'm fearful of. And like a real friend, he listens to me, holds me, comforts me, chews me out, and sends me on my way, better than I started. I'm so thankful for my journey. As the old folks say "I wouldn't take NOTHIN' for my journey now!" God is still working on me, and I'm still working on how to be better for him. And when the storm comes (trust me, it will come), rest easily in him…not because you don't have to fight, but because you know you've already won! This is not an easy life….sometimes it's not fun, and I don't always like what I have to do…but it is what I signed up for.
I was watching something on TV, and Kirk Franklin was featured. He was speaking to a group of young men about living the life God wants for them, and one of them asked why it was so hard? Kirk's response was simple, but so profound, it's stayed with me …"It's what you signed up for". I could have been knocked over by a feather! When I pledged my life to God, and received salvation, I signed up for life filled with trials and tribulations. If you look at Christ's life, it was filled with that very thing…he was not believed to be the Messiah, his own disciples had issues with disbelief, and then, to top it all off, he was crucified on false accusations. Although we may not go through those exact situations, and we may not be physically killed, our spirits are wounded all the time! We are lied on, mistreated, criticized, lied to, unappreciated, deceived, tested, tried, and broken…..but it's at that moment…the moment of utter broken-ness that God can most effectively use us. The trials come so that we can see God's work through us, and then so we can show off his work to others….that's a lot to take in. Sometimes we don't even "go thru" for our own blessings or upliftment. Sometimes we are put to the test so that someone near us can be blessed and edified by God's works. How selfless is that? In a society where self is number one, this is HARD to accept. My suffering MAY NOT be for me, but for my brother….chew on that one for a little while. I'm still chewing…..
What I've learned is that we can't adequately show God's favor over us, if we are never put to the test. If we never go through something, how can we brought out? How can we obtain spiritual maturity if we don't experience growing pains? Just like learning something new on your job, or taking up a new hobby, it's going to be frustrating, and sometimes difficult. We may even quit, and dismiss the whole idea, but nothing worth having comes easily or cheap. My relationship with God (JC to me) has been a battle, to say the least. But in that battle, God has done beautiful things for me, to me, and to those around me. I've been able to be a blessing to people, that otherwise may not have seen the love of JC. It has not always been comfortable, but I always find comfort in Him….he is my very best friend. And like real friends, I can tell him how I feel…I tell him what I like and don't like, what I'm struggling with, and even what I'm fearful of. And like a real friend, he listens to me, holds me, comforts me, chews me out, and sends me on my way, better than I started. I'm so thankful for my journey. As the old folks say "I wouldn't take NOTHIN' for my journey now!" God is still working on me, and I'm still working on how to be better for him. And when the storm comes (trust me, it will come), rest easily in him…not because you don't have to fight, but because you know you've already won! This is not an easy life….sometimes it's not fun, and I don't always like what I have to do…but it is what I signed up for.
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