Consciously Selfish

So, it’s a new year, and like many people, I pondered on whether or not I’d make resolutions, or if I would just opt for “being better”. Initially, I said, “being better”, but as I began to think about my year (especially the last 3 months), I decided that I needed to resolve not only to be better, but to do things differently. There were a lot of unhappy days for me in those last 3 months, and I vowed to never, ever, ever, be in that position again. I had my joy and peace back, God guiding my foot steps, so I was empowered to end the cycle.

The first thing I had to do was analyze everything that I was doing. Church, Sorority, Professional Societies, Socializing, etc…..but in everything that I was doing (outside of church) had very little to do with the upliftment of ME. So yes, I had a list of “to-do” items, but taking care of me was not on the list. I took care of everything and everyone very passionately, but I left myself out in the cold. So it shouldn’t have been a surprise that I ended up with a lot of sleepless nights….more tears than I could wipe away, and a feeling of emptiness. I was pouring out blessings and showering love on everything and everyone I loved, but NOT ME. How could I forget about me? After all, I’m the only me I have…..

I am, by omission, and extremely giving and caring person….to a fault. If there is a need, I want to meet the need, if there is an issue, I want to be the problem solver. That is how I was raised….you help those that can’t (or won’t) help themselves. You go out of your way to bless someone (even at your own expense), and God will bless you. But in all of that, no one ever told me to make sure I take care of myself. No one said “Theryl, I love you, but you must love you MORE than I do”. So I let myself fall…..if it came down to me taking some “me time” or giving that time to someone or something else that was more “deserving”, I always lost. The only time that I would take a break is if I had been stressed to the point of an anxiety attack….yes, it got that bad….I wouldn’t even acknowledge everything I was doing until I was in full attack, asking how I got to that place.

So after years and years of living this way, I’m fed up! I want to be a better person….I want to develop myself into the vessel that God wants me to be. I struggle with this decision, because, again, I am who I am. I can’t NOT be giving, caring, and selfless…but I can be MORE concerned about my own welfare. I can say “no” even when I really want to say “YES”. Most of my unhappiness about me (body image, career, goals, etc) was because I wasn’t spending enough time working on those very things. If I really wanted to have a better body image, I had to MAKE time for that….if I wanted to enhance my career, I had to MAKE time, to do things that would aid in that effort.

In 2010, my mantra will be “Consciously Selfish”. Now that may come of as harsh, or even self-serving, but at this point, I have to be #2 on my list (under God). There is no one else that will put me in that position in their lives, therefore, I must! I pray that when I am tempted to put myself aside, I read this blog…….