Daddy Dearest........

So once again, I’m taking to the blog to let out some stuff. I thought I had it all out, and I was cool, but a while back, some things reached the surface….I thought they were buried and gone.

Those of you that know me, know this story, so just bear with me. I’m the product of Dwanna F. Raney Jones and Nathaniel Dyer. I was born January 22, 1982, to these proud parents. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t grow up with both parents. For whatever reason (I’ve been given a few over the y ears), my biological father (BF for short) decided that the whole “family” gig was too much for him, and he needed O-U-T. So, out he went…….never looking back….never asking to be back…..just GONE.

Fast forward to 2003…….I’ve been raised by Dwanna & Jeffrie Jones (RIP), I’m in college…doing my thing. The phone rings, and it’s my mom….she tells me, “your aunt saw Nat today”. My first thought was “Who the devil is Nat?”. Then it hit me….it was him, my BF. Just like that, he was back on the scene…..after not seeing his first born child for 19 years, he was there. Apparently, his job had moved him to my Mother’s home town (see how God has JOKES), and my aunt saw him in the store. After thoroughly blessing his soul for being a sorry excuse for a father (yay Auntie!), she took his number and passed it along to my mother. The very fact that my mother was WILLING to pass on this information just further proves her character. This man left her alone, with a sick child, and started another life….and NOT ONE TIME did she bad mouth him, speak ill of him, or even degrade him. Her only response to me was “Baby, he just wasn’t ready.”

I have this phone number…..after all these year, I have the power to reconnect to a person who I’m genetically linked to. A million questions ran thru my head……I was bursting with excitement. I really thought I’d have a “Daddy” again. Since my Daddy passed away in 1999 (way too soon), I had this hole in my heart that was nagging at me. I desperately wanted to be a Daddy’s Girl again. I wanted someone to protect me….to badger me about boys and my grades, and not driving to fast. Could I really have this again? Am I really that lucky? To have TWO MEN to be my Daddy? I closed my eyes, and I said a prayer….and I dialed the number…..

That initial conversation with my BF was very awkward. I don’t believe he thought my mother would give the information to me. After exchanging pleasantries, he instantly apologized for being a bad parent. I thought we were off to a great start! We already agreed on something! (LOL). We went on to discuss the past, and how things unfolded, and though he was careful not to blame my mother, he never really accepted much blame for himself. His excuse was that he didn’t have an excuse…things just happened because they did. Now, as an analytical person, I wasn’t buyin that AT ALL. I truly believe that everything in this world happens for a reason. Whether it’s our own free will, or divine intervention, there is always a cause. I should have known at that very moment that the relationship with my BF would NOT be what I was hoping for.

Over the next few years, I tried extremely hard to be his “little girl.” I called to check on him, I asked to get in contact with my siblings (yep, that’s right, I really wasn’t an only child….I have a brother and a sister!), I wanted him to visit me in my new city……but with each phone call, and each suggestion, there was always a bit of disappointment. There was never enough excitement about me….he was very nonchalant about a lot of my accomplishments, and he never called me. That always bothered me. I don’t think my BF has EVER initiated a conversation with me. Wasn’t the parent supposed to stalk the child? LOL. The grits really hit the fan when I needed my wisdom teeth pulled. Although I was covered on my Mother’s health insurance, there was a fee to the oral surgeon to anesthetize me. We were unaware of this fee, and not prepared to pay it. So, my first instinct is to call my BF….after all, parents take care of their children. That’s what my Mom always did….that’s what my Daddy always did….and this was my BF….so surely he would do the same. After much reluctance, my mother called him and asked him to pay the bill. His response was “No….I don’t have it”. Not, “hold on, let me try”, or “Where is the nearest Western Union”. Now, to play devil’s advocate, he might not have had it, but I SERIOUSLY doubt it. Once again, he was opting out of parenthood.

So to say the LEAST, the lack of relationship with my BF has caused me much anguish and pain. I’ve felt inadequate, unworthy, unwanted, and brokenhearted, all at the hands of my BF. It’s amazing to me how much power our parents have over our future. I never thought that I’d have issues with abandonment and neglect, because after all, I did have a Daddy. But having a Daddy, never answered those questions that often ran through my head “Why didn’t you love me enough to stay?”……”Why didn’t you choose me?” These feelings cause me to doubt if it’s possible that I’ll ever really be loved unconditionally by a male. If my own father, the man that is genetically responsible for me, chose not to love me unconditionally, how can I expect a stranger to? I once posed that question to a male friend of mine, and he said “But you did have that….your Dad married your mom, and became your Daddy…..in one day, he went from an outsider with no children, to a married man, with a daughter…he stepped up”. And yes, he’s absolutely right……….but I never understood his love for me either. I knew it was there, and I miss it terribly….but I don’t comprehend its existence.

But most of all, what really, really makes me angry, is that I don’t have the relationship I desire with my siblings. My brother is almost 19 and my sister is 7 (you do the math…LOL). I didn’t have the privilege of growing up with them……I wasn’t able to be a “big sister” to them. I don’t have childhood memories with them, I don’t have pictures with them, I don’t even know what their favorite and least favorite meals are. That hurts me…..every brother and sister, regardless of how they are related, should grow up together. I shouldn’t have to play “let’s get to know each other” with my siblings. I’m angry about that. I don’t even know where my sister is. All I know is her name, age, and birthday. Strangely enough, all of my BF’s children are born in January, within the same 1.5 weeks (Jan. 22, Jan. 23, and Jan. 31).

It goes without saying that I’ve been forever changed by this experience. I’m sure God chose me as a vessel to experience this, so I could be a light to someone else, but that responsibility is HEAVY. I’m thankful to have made it through that storm unscathed, and polished, but the journey was ROUGH.

So how do I feel now about my BF? Most days, I don’t……..I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel anything about him personally. His actions have caused me pain, but there is no connection between us. It has been nearly a year since we last spoke, and I’m ok with that. Do I still yearn to be in relationship with him? No….I’ve moved passed that time in my life. I don’t believe he can be what I need him to be. I will always acknowledge and respect him as my BF, because God commands me to do so. I’m just glad God didn’t add in “and you also have to like it”…..otherwise, I’d have some issues…..